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I've been lurking on this forum on and off for a while now, and officially joined last summer. After sharing many stories here (which serves as a sort if journaling for me) and reading many experiences from others, I have slowly awakened to the fact that my husband is mentally ill.
I realized that what I thought were idiosyncrasies or quirks, were actually some type of mental disorder. I was searching the web for info on OCD, when I accidentally came across info for OCPD. I didn't know this type of personality disorder even existed, or how it differed from OCD, an anxiety disorder. I knew immediately that this was the "why" I've been searching for, for almost 8 years! It described my husband better than I could have.
Today I googled "OCPD sexless marriage" and Endthegame's story came up. I was surprised by my reaction to it, because I had recently read it, but this time I actually understood and absorbed what he was saying.
I read a few of his other posts too... the one that struck me the most was the "WTF Moment," because I am in the midst of experiencing one. I just had this epiphany regarding my husband's mental health, and my head is spinning with a rush of emotions.
I feel guilty and embarrassed that it took me so long to realize he was mentally ill, relieved because I finally understand that our SM isn't my fault, sick to my stomach, not because I was suffering abuse at the hands of his negativity and anger, but rather that I'd allowed my children to be victimized by him, and grief because I know that there is nothing for us to reconcile - our marriage is dead, just waiting for the coroner to call time of death.

Thanks for your contributions ETG, you have helped me more than you'll ever know.
Unjusted Unjusted 36-40, F 5 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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First off, there is absolutely no reason you should feel at all guilty or embarrassed at it having taken awhile for you to figure it out. Sometimes it just takes something new, coming at it from a different direction for a spark to flair and us to finally see certain things. Your human. :-)

"I feel guilty and embarrassed that it took me so long to realize he was mentally ill.." I bet he will never see psychiatrist, so no chance to be diagnosed... but even it happened many doctors quite reluctant to make a verdict...just say the person has "a difficult personality"... IMHO Personality Disorders are quite grey area (maybe the situation with diagnosis is better in US, but in UK it is absolutely hopeless) and not easy identifiable, it took me also about 8 years just to understand, that it is not me, who is insane (living with PD person you often question own sanity).... So nothing to be embarassed of...

Do you know about "Out of the Fog" - a personality disorder support group online? Their website is outofthefogdotnet. I think you might find this a helpful and supportive resource. {{{hugs}}}

Thank you, Enna for pointing to that website.Though I think I already know everything about my husband BPD ,a quick glance confirmed again I was right, despite he never was diagnosed and never accepted he has a problem...

Hi, thanks for your kind words. OCPD sucks for sure. But...

Finding OCPD allowed me to start moving on, in many positive ways. Take your time getting your head around this. In the same way a person in a wheelchair will never run up the stairs there are things that a person with OCPD will never be able to do, the trouble is we tend to hope, and hope is our enemy. Their life is dictated by 'rules' that we can not begin to imagine, based on moral absolutes. We base our understanding of life and how to approach it from a healthy base, OCPD sufferers do not. The pain and work it takes to re frame their own thinking is too much. Once I realised that my wife simply 'can not' do some things as her OCPD does not allow her to do so my world opened up. It is just easier to see a person in a wheelchair not walking and accept it than to see a person be unable to stack a dishwasher due to (insert rules here). Sometimes some things can not be done.

Intimacy, love, openness, sex, true togetherness can not happen with a person with OCPD. Sorry to say that.

Baz gives sound advice. If your husband has OCPD the only way you can move on to a healthy relationship is to leave.

PM me any time

Sometimes, you do actually find out the "why". And it doesn't actually help a real lot, because you can't do anything about it anyway - other than to make the call as to whether you can live with the behaviour the "why" causes, or not.

You are just as well served having made that call on whether you can live with the behaviour, or not, based solely on said behaviour alone, even without a known "why".

Either way, down to the two awful choices you come.

Feeling for you Sister U. But at one point you had an exit strategy and had developed a supprt network, so when you are ready, you are in better prepared shape than most.

Tread your own path.