FlatlineI've been lurking on this forum on and off for a while now, and officially joined last summer. After sharing many stories here (which serves as a sort if journaling for me) and reading many experiences from others, I have slowly awakened to the fact that my husband is mentally ill.
I realized that what I thought were idiosyncrasies or quirks, were actually some type of mental disorder. I was searching the web for info on OCD, when I accidentally came across info for OCPD. I didn't know this type of personality disorder even existed, or how it differed from OCD, an anxiety disorder. I knew immediately that this was the "why" I've been searching for, for almost 8 years! It described my husband better than I could have.
Today I googled "OCPD sexless marriage" and Endthegame's story came up. I was surprised by my reaction to it, because I had recently read it, but this time I actually understood and absorbed what he was saying.
I read a few of his other posts too... the one that struck me the most was the "WTF Moment," because I am in the midst of experiencing one. I just had this epiphany regarding my husband's mental health, and my head is spinning with a rush of emotions.
I feel guilty and embarrassed that it took me so long to realize he was mentally ill, relieved because I finally understand that our SM isn't my fault, sick to my stomach, not because I was suffering abuse at the hands of his negativity and anger, but rather that I'd allowed my children to be victimized by him, and grief because I know that there is nothing for us to reconcile - our marriage is dead, just waiting for the coroner to call time of death.
Thanks for your contributions ETG, you have helped me more than you'll ever know.