Nearly Sexless Marriage.

My first post. I am a sex addict that has at best 'troubled' sex when my wife is williMy first post. I am not sure what to say.
First the 'clinical side'.
I am a sex addict with my addiction at the point that I don't cheat or **********. Though I want to, I do attend meetings, so I don't.
When I do convince my wife to have sex it is at best 'troubled' sex. It is very unsatisfying as I ********* without organism as often as not and my erection is about 75% of normal. I fear the conditioning of what a great problem it is to convince my wife to have sex is a big part of this. I have norm 'night time' erections so I realize it is not a physical problem. At a point in my marriage we had sex like ***** stars and often. My wife has substance abuse addictions. She is very over weight as a result and uses her, “I don't like my body” as a good way to not have sex.
I hope that wasn't TMI.

Now the emotional side.
I have considered taking the anti-depressant Effexor as that will compress my emotional life so I am never very sad nor very happy. A sort of half-smile of neutral feelings. And convince my doctor to chemically castrate me. Sounds crazy and radical when I write it, but it seems like a 'happier' life not containing the feelings that currently plague me. I hate the weight gain that will occur.I even consider suicide at an intellectually level. Not at an emotional level. I think about it I don't contemplate it. It does seem hopeless and I can't imagine living like this for years and years.

I would prefer something closer to normal. Not feeling depressed ,having normal sexual desires, normal sexual responses, a normal frequency of sex and a sober wife. I have been trying for two years, with increased effort for the last 4 months, to achieve this.

sa8132 sa8132
56-60, M
9 Responses Jan 21, 2013

I was a little crazy when I posted this. I had just read a post by someone that did just what I described above and said it was the best thing he ever did.
My wife and I had a conversation last night that cleared a few things up. More to do but maybe one step closer to a better situation for me.

"I am a sex addict with my addiction at the point that I don't cheat or **********." It does not sound to me like sex addict... and sex addicts usually do not stay in long sexless marriages... but wishing to be chemically castrated is the sign of self harming behaviour... Your testosterone is the ultimate thing in your male's body, precious and priceless... IMHO ************, ****, sex with prostitutes, one night stands is million time better (and healthier) than slow tortured chemical castration of the body and the brain(lack of testosterone effect your brain as well) a healthy normal man! Change your wife, she is destroying you!

I have to agree with TheFullMoon...when reading that you thought you were a sex addict and never cheated or ********** didn't sound like you addict to sex.

Your statement:"My wife has substance abuse addictions. She is very over weight as a result and uses her, “I don't like my body” as a good way to not have sex.

Wondering if you both need to go into therapy. It sound as if she has problem with her image and using "I don't like my body" as a excuse to reject you sexually.

Wanting chemically castration sounds like a last resort and one that most men would not even consider. Therapy is need more than castration.

As TheFullMoon stated above ************, **** sex etc would be more healthier than the castration. I'm just wondering why your doctor would even consider going along with that...he should be pointing you towards a therapist.

I wonder if you'd be willing to read some other views of the validity of the sexual addiction label, an easy place to start is the Wikipedia article, which references the huge problems with the concept (e.g. Marty Klein's Sex Addiction: A dangerous clinical concept).

As well, it's often useful to consider Cui Bono. IOW, who gains, in your case by this diagnosis?

Your therapist and other "professionals" - they are earning money.

Ideologies - labelling what is principally a male "condition" as a defect in males which needs to be treated and controlled - great for man-haters.

Your wife - she must be in 7th heaven over this diagnosis which you've acquiesced in. It lets her off the hook completely. She can cast you as in the wrong, has every justification she needs for refusing to feed your "addiction", and hey, if you start wanting more sex, that's a symptom of your addiction, which must of course be weaned.

And then, if you deny you're addicted, well that's a terrible sign you're not owning your defect.

Now, and most importantly, how do this benefit YOU? You're pejoratively labelling yourself at the identity level. You're getting virtually no sex from your wife and you can't even **** according to your programme. I've no idea what the undesirable behaviors you had, but FFS, there appear to be no real upsides for you here!!!

And then you're talking chemical castration.

Please take seriously the contary view, that your head has been screwed, probably by your master refuser - and you need to save yourself.

Neither accept harm from others, nor accept notions of harming yourself.

<p>As a long term taker of Effexor I can tell you that your comment that it "will compress my emotional life so I am never very sad nor very happy" is absolute BULLSHIT! I have no idea where you got such a warped idea but it is wrong.</p>

That is exactly what it did for the 10 years I was on it.
I quit it for 5 months and had to get on something else.
Save for the lousy sex side effects it was great for me to live in a little emotional net.

AND thanks for your comments. I appreciate the feedback.

I can't post a link here so (if interested) do a search KW's 'sex addict 20 questions' and read them ...I answer yes to too many of those, that is how I know I am SA.

I am not acting out or doing things that I once did. I have most of my flaws under control. My lust and anger and resentment flare when my wife says NO. AND I don't ask for or expect sex constantly either.

Counseling has been of little use because I can't find one who doesn't tend to say everything is OK to do if I want too. It isn't. I need limitations.

And co-dependent relationships are my fave kind!!! (I wish there was asarcasm font)

hmmmm.... I'm not a doctor but that list seems fishy. It seems to mostly revolve around experiencing shame due to sexual behavior. I could see how a person brought up in a repressive environment could experience a lot of shame and that it is the shame, and not the sex, that is the problem..
However, you know yourself. If you say you are a sex addict, then I believe you are.

Hey !! I did the quiz. And, I am a sex addict !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How sobering. I thought I was a reasonably well functioning bloke. Best I change my life completely on the basis of an internet quiz I guess.

I have a male friend that struggles with sex addiction and I'm telling ya- it doesn't sound like you have it. Think of a heroin junkie- have you ever heard of one that didn't actually USE heroin? no. That doesn't exist.
The sex addict I know will go to any lengths in order to have sex. He puts himself in positions that make him feel overwhelming shame after the fact. Orgies with strangers, paying for prostitutes, inability to be faithful for any real length of time. It CONSUMES him. **** non stop etc. The list just goes on. It's caused him financial crisis, job less, STD's. It's a for a real addiction.
Don't diagnose yourself. Please. That doesn't do YOU any real favors.

Thanks for at least going to the site and reading the questions. It is a very subjective and at the same time objective thing. Two people could take that quiz and answer many questions the same way and one truly not be an SA. However some questions (like number 20) should at least cause the quiz take to consider they might just have some behaviors that need to be re-examined.

1 More Response

There is a whole lot going on here. I'm with ICCTP, what makes you think you are a sex addict? Wanting a lot of sex is not addiction. You have a problem if you are doing things like risking your job, getting into dangerous situations, spend all your money on prostitutes, or are unable to perform your daily routine. First and foremost, you can not really address this issue with your wife as long as she is using. She needs to deal with that problem before she will be capable of handling the rest of her life. I am also concerned that your inclination is to turn to pharmaceuticals to solve your problems. I think you need counseling to learn to deal with your feelings.

I never rented prostitutes but the rest of the 'risky' stuff, I did it.
Would you consider asking a co-worker to go for a drive and watch me 'do' things normal. I did once and but I don't now.

I would completely do that right now, if said co-worker was hot and I thought they were into it. Of course, I've been repressed for many years.

They were not into the idea. One thing I did before I sorted out that I am an SA is think that every women thought the way I did and wanted sex the way I did. Even when I got in trouble for what I asked I still thought that person had the problem and was wrong. IMHO.

I am sorry ICCTP is an acronym for?

Yeah, sexual harassment is not OK. Having heard the details of the situation I wish your "got in trouble" meant got fired.

I can count to potato - the person who posted below me

3 More Responses

What makes you think you are a sex addict?

Dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, and get you making uninformed choices that feed back into the dysfunctional loop.

Your story is "Poster Boy" stuff to make this point.

It looks like there is way more going on in your particular situation than just a disengaged missus.

It is terribly difficult to see what real and tangible benefit there is in the relationship for either of you. Maybe that's exactly it. Co-Dependency.

Are you (both) in counselling ? I reckon your particular dynamic has very little chance of improving much if you are just relying on each other to sort it out. Maybe an objective outside party might help.

Tread your own path.