No More Quiet Desperation - Thoughts On Intimacy And Other StuffMy long five day weekend is coming to close. I am writing in part to squelch the anxiety I feel in my heart about returning to "the house" and also in part to regain my focus and commitment to actively create my life as I want it. I am not sure what I am going to walk into today. My hunch is not a word will be spoken about our marriage. It will be awkward. I may end up moving early to my friend's house. I don't see how I will be able to spend the night there.
The other day I texted him to see how he was. He replied hours later with "peachy." Then hours again with "no tears today yet, you?" I didn't respond. I don't even know what that means. No tears over the dog is my guess. Is he still not acknowledging the end of our marriage? And, actually, I have had a few tears everyday over both.
Decisions have been made on my part. I am going to move in with my friend with the dogs. I freaked out at the thought of "rooming" with strangers. I can't afford rent on my own at this particular moment unless it's a dump. I told my friend I can't dog-sit and I also probably won't be much fun as I am busy and may not be home much. She agreed and understood but still wants me to have the room if I want it. It's a gorgeous house on a lake, still close to my gym, so yes. I can trust her. She won't steal, etc. And we do get along. I can't imagine living with 20-somethings or who knows what you may end up with. At least I know in this situation.
He and I still have to work out terms over a few things. We don't have a ton of "assets" so to speak -- it's more a matter of splitting debt (oh joy). Who gets the new car (in my name, he paid $1000 on it from his PTO).. etc. I just don't know if he's ready to go there yet, I will see what happens when I get home. I am soooo anxiety-filled about it for some reason.
I know for certain I can't live in a small town again. This weekend was brutal. I need my coffee shops, restaurants, hiking, photography, skiing, biking, and kayaking groups, and also kettlebell, boxing and bootcamp. None of that is in this town -- not even a coffee shop. Seriously, that's crazy. I can be single in the city -- take my laptop to work on things and get coffee, see people, say hi, smile - small talk. Up here it's just total isolation. No thanks. I am glad I found that out as I was almost seriously considering moving closer to family.
It has been a lonnnnnnng weekend. I want normalcy. I want to establish a routine - work, working out, friends, passions, hobbies, healthy eating. I am SICK of emotions and feelings and being in my head.
The one thing I am not sure about right now is where I am sleeping tonight, but I feel I need to make that decision. In the guest room in that house? I just don't think I should. I may go to my friends early. I feel sick to my stomach about the thought of walking back into that house. ugh.
Okay -- I just realized this didn't go where I thought it would -- I had some thoughts on intimacy and such -- that's the part that will keep me focused when I return home. A marriage without shared intimacy is a friendship. I do not want a monogamous friendship. I didn't feel safe enough in our relationship to turn to him in the morning to wake him up to share a moment together. That's not the kind of partnership I want. I put so much emphasis on "the amount of years" we spent together -- forgetting that QUALITY (or lack of quality) actually trumps quantity in this case (for me anyway).
I spent far too many years in quiet desperation longing for something I knew might exist but wasn't entirely sure. I have been learning that it can exist (whenever,however and with whomever -- but it can exist) and never ever will in this marriage. There is something very special about shared intimacy and it is what MAKES the relationship unique from others. With one partner not getting that important fact, it's hopeless. My H has said often he doesn't get why it's so important. He has said often he doesn't need touch. He has said often he is not interested in making sex complicated (pursuing my desires was complicating for him). So the years matter not --- only where we are now and where I plan on going with my life. It's over. It's done. I am moving on.