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He Left 4 Days Ago - The Day Of Reckoning Is Near (update)

My husband came back after the disappearing act. We didn't really talk and after 22 years of marriage, the status quo for the last 7 years things are not going to change. We have become expert at living within our dysfunctional marriage; at some level, he is satisfied. But I have this persistent notion that someday, I could find a man my age who would love (and make love to) me.
(Members of this group usually refer to it as sex but, really it should be making love, because it should be more than *******. Anyway.....

This week we had an offer on our house. A low ball offer from a tenant. My husband said what he always says "it's your house, do whatever you want" This is very kind of him and it is also true. (I rebuilt the house over the last two decades, handled the expenses for the last 7 or so.) So I am free to do whatever I should decide to do with our house and our little boy. This also means that I am alone in whatever decision I make. I am exhausted as it is and I am scared of all the responsibility.( Even though I probably have been pretty much alone for many years)

So knowing that I would not make the wrong financial decision and sell the house, I needed to take action to shore finances up. Here's my problem, in moments like these, I feel like my back is to the wall and I have to step up for our children's future. But he just sits down and makes himself a cup of tea. And then I try to explain...you have responsibilities please don't leave me alone to fend for our children's and my life. After a couple days of my demand that he work, he leaves.

So I start making plans on the finances and go to work to earn a living. Today, I have a business appointment but, I don't know whether he will show up to watch our son or not. I am trying to push through my fear to take action to support our family.

But that old fashion notion of mine about having a man who loves, makes love to me and sees me as a woman who is somewhat fragile and in need of some support persists.


amithecrazyone amithecrazyone 46-50, F 6 Responses Jan 21, 2013

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Why do you say he is"very kind" because he acknowledges you put all the effort and cost into sustaining/maintaining the house? It seems more like a factual understanding; to be generous, it could be called fair. As for taking that attitude with the children, well, it may be easier because you don't have to fight him over those decisions, but in the end he has simply divested himself of any and all responsibility. This also is not exactly kind. I'd describe it as callous. The fact that he calmly sips tea while you carry the weight of the situation on your shoulders is making the burden that much heavier. Essentially, you are carrying double the load. When he is out of the picture, you will only be carrying your own. Strength for the journey.

Theremustbe: Your post means so much to me. I have to let go of some things in order to make some critical decisions. including a whole bunch of guilt. I also realize that I am going to have to seek out and accept help.

AITCO,I appreciate your situation because it is very similar to mine. Work occupies so much of my h's time, attention, and energy, that he has nothing left over for our life together. Today I am stuck at the last minute with him suddenly not knowing if he will be missing a major holiday, leaving me and the offspring alone. If I had known ahead of time, I could have made other plans entirely. Overall I am stuck with a large household to manage and make decisions over and a child with special needs to raise. Similar to you, my family of origin is useless, so I'm doing all of this on my own. A few years ago we moved from a life I had built for myself in a place with excellent supports for my offspring, on my own because h. was working so much, on the promise of having him be a real partner in all of this. So I was stuck in an area with zero professional opportunity starting from scratch, having set up a life for two when I wound up being responsible for all of it. The offspring is finally in a decent place, but I may now be much too old to retrain for anything that will produce a reliable income stream. And if I divorce, I then still have all the decisions to make in disposing of this household which may not be objectively massive, but is too massive for me.

Hi Theremustbe:
I understand so much more about you now. Okay, you did everything for your baby. I know this because I did too. In regards to this, and I am not saying this lightly, you must take care of yourself. This means that you have to take care of yourself emotionally as well as physically. If you are like me, anytime I did anything for myself, I felt guilty. But, Child(ren) needs are constant as they are endless; in the course of running that Marathon, your needs also must be attended to. I hope that you are taking care of yourself. (yoga, organic foods, a dermatologist, whatever) I know that the economic part of these situations is always scary but, you can take things one step at a time. I always fare better if I try to take care of one thing at a time. Are getting ready to walk? BTW, the compassion that you showed me regarding my family of origin, really helped me accept things. If one could feel worse about separation, I guess not having a family to turn to for support. Life is not always fair but that does make a person culpable for their station. You are a good person...best

Thanks. I've been working on an exit plan for two years now. Last year's college plan (mine, that is) ended with a rejected application. This year I have been rejected at two out of three, and am waiting on the third, so I am very much on edge. As much as I have been working on developing interests and friends, I feel so stuck I can barely move. Literally. Which is not good for physical wellbeing. Foot surgery did not help matters, but that is healing, albeit slowly. In a weird way, things are getting better and worse all at the same time.

Theremustbe: This sounds so much like my experience as well as my recently D'd girlfriend. She decided that she would go back to school Law School and she did very well on the LSAT's but, did not gain entry.mmm? Age related, probably. Anyway, the happy news is that someone came into her life, quite unexpectedly, he gave her the courage to work. She moved to a new town and found work. It really wasn't about law school at all, it was about a way out. It's hard to maintain hope and confidence when you have been down so long - negative feelings take over and one loses perspective. I am glad to hear that you are reaching out. Because even one connection might change the direction of your life.

Theremustbe: I just read your response to me below. Your insight is really quite poignant. I am guessing that there are many people who could benefit.Are you considering going into counseling? Just curious

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Oh my, I so hear you on the "And then I try to explain...you have responsibilities please don't leave me alone to fend for our children's and my life.". I could have written that.

Oh the ex is fine with buying them presents from the dollar store. Planning for their education? Saving for their dental work? Ensuring the house is not a death trap? Not so good at those things. Getting them up, dressed, fed, and off to school? I did it all - until he got too sick to work, and then too sick to do much else.

So I make ALL the decisions about our lives - and get ALL the blame for "mistakes", while he shares the benefits of the house, the car, the savings, the organization.

The fact I realized is, WHEN he's finally gone, it will be EASIER. I will still be making all the decisions, but noone will shove the "mistakes" in my face - and I get to reap ALL the reward. Noone will be fighting me every step of the way - passive aggressive BS, hoarding, jealousy at my accomplishments - all behind me.

and soon behind you too.

I think you are much less "fragile" than you realize. To me, you are brave and strong for making many difficult decisions in order to make a better, amazing love-filled life for yourself (and your children).

Truly: Thank you. In the middle of chaos, you can't imagine how much words of support mean. It must be the nature of marriages like mine that the dysfunctional gets normalized. I am not strong, truth be told, I am scared Shitless and I assume most of us on this board are. I keep running over every possible move I might make and the possible consequences to death. I feel like I am in a burning building and I know that I have to jump But, if I jump I might break my neck, suppose I waited a little longer may be a fireman would show up and save me....Bla, bla, bla. Thank you, if you ever need some encouragement write to me!

AITCO, you are much further ahead in this "journey" than I am. The cliff that I am on is the one in which I need to tell my husband how unhappy I am, and that I don't see hope for the future in this marriage. I've been on the edge for a while...

I keep telling myself that the girls will be okay. That *if* things change, they'll have a happier, lighter mommy -- somebody they can really look up to. I hope that's the case.

Yes, I am also scared shitless. Scared so much that I've been stuck for weeks. After a while, though, it gets redundant. Time to make a move.

Sending you some extra, virtual "bravery" for your next step.

He has progressively made himself irrelevant to you and your life. He is a non contributer. There is no "we" anymore (if indeed there ever was).

There is "me" (you) and your responsibilities to your kids. If you get any help or assistance from "him" regard it as a bonus (and a hugely unexpected one at that)

He doesn't see you as "a woman who is somewhat fragile and in need of some support" because he is running his "me" agenda, in which you don't actually count.

Tread your own path.

Bazaar: I am always so eager to read your comments. I guess I know that I need to be smacked in the face with the truth before I leave. I have no idea why you tell people the truth; so many people don't want to hear it still, I am glad you. You know, I keep thinking that if a man I respected looked at me in the right way, I would melt into a puddle. Is there something wrong with that? Not the sexual aspect but, just wanting to be able to depend on a man. Is that what got me here in the first place?? You see all the mind ******* I do.

Sister mvcmvc is often prone to say that the way forward is to embrace people and situations that enhance your life, and discard people and situations that deplete your life.
Life enhancing people may or may not have testicles. At least half of them will have ovaries. Same for potential life depleters.

hi Bazz;
All I can say is that I think that I am growing testes. (Not willingly mind you) I just want a man in a man's body. I understand your point but, I just want to lay down with a man and wake up with one. Do you know what I mean?

Do I want to lie down with and wake up with a man ?????? um.... er.... not really...... not that there's anything wrong with that .......

Seriously though, yep, I get it.

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Stop relying on him for ANYTHING. The man seems to be incapable of being an adult. Stop expecting him to look after your child, offer any suggestions, give you support, etc. etc. Once you do this completely, you willrealise that only ONE thing has changed . . . .

You are now feeling calmer and happier because you no longer experience the huge anxiety and frustration you felt previously when he failed to live up to your (completely reasonable!) expectations!!

Amen.. It only hurts you when he does not live up to your needs. So take the bull by the horn and find you someone to take up where he fails you with the child care and the household duties. Let him see that you CAN do it alone and that you WILL do it alone.. You need to make plans for your future and you child's. Don't rely on him he can not handle it he sounds like mine its like you have another child you have to take care of. You are not his mother you are his wife. If he can not be a man you don't need him in your life. He is the one losing not you. maybe one day he will grow up but it maybe one day too late.

Enna: You are spot on. Showed up again today. He claims to be looking for a job because real estate will never work out. True real estate will not work out, if you don't invest your effort. He's been pursuing this phantom job for years now. But you see, since he is going to get this phantom job, he can't stay home and watch our son and allow me to work. It's like trying to tread water with one hand behind your back. You are so right about learning not to expect anything but, old belief sets are so hard to change. He was once a successful man know he wants to sit around in his underwear. It's depression...probably, my fault for not being as supportive as I should have been....may be...But, when does one need to take responsibility for their own life. I am so glad that I never truly realized that I was flying high without a safety net. I never could have taken the gambles I did. I always thought that I had a man behind me

Onmyway: I know that it is already to late. What you are saying is that "we have No Choice." From that perspective it really doesn't matter that it's unfair does it. The only thing that crying serves to do is relieve the immediate and constant stress. BTW, How can a man expect his wife to be his mother and still maintain the fantasy that he is a man? I am going back to the East Coast in June and I am going to sleep with a man. Not as a revenge affair but, just to feel like a woman who is desirable. Is there anything wrong with that?

That is one thing only you can decide. Let NO ONE here tell you its a bad thing if its what you feel you need and want.. I wish you luck. Be careful your heart is fragile you may want more that what you can get out of it. think twice before you let someone hurt you again.

Hi onmy: I can't even help how much I want to be with a man any longer. It's like I can't hold my breath any longer than a decade.

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Needing support is not "being fragile". Needing support is being human.

Forge on and do what you have to do to support yourself and your kid. Your husband's non actions have made him irrelevant as a credible spouse.

Keep moving forward, taking appropriate action - to improve the quality of you and your kid's life!

mvcmvc: Thank you for the encouragement. Given, my husband's refusal to take responsibility, I have no choice. My little boy is happy in the here and now. But what happens when he really needs something? Like a College education. I am the only one worried sick about that. If I take my little boy a way from his father, he will only feel the pain of separation from all that he has known since kindergarten. and this is only part of what torments me! I know that you already realize that there are hard realities like this to face. My husband has always said that the children are my children. I guess what this means is that I will do the right thing for them, even if it results in an unhappy life for me. Bazaar's right about that **** hole comment he makes about our shared situation.