Tipped The Boat Over – And It Sank!

Two weeks ago – I filed for divorce and had my wife served on a Friday morning. This was my “tipping the boat over” event that Bazzar often recommends to posters on this forum. Before I tell you exactly what has happened as a result of capsizing the marital boat – let me first say for the possible benefit of others, that I have been preparing for this event for months. For me, the refused and rejected, it took a long time to prepare to file and serve her – to accept that I needed to do this. So, I instructed my attorney to file after the first of the year. The grounds for divorce is based on 1.) Irreconcilable differences and 2.) unprovoked and prolonged mental cruelty. I especially agree with number #2. I have been telling my wife this day would be coming, but was repeatedly met with indifference. So, that morning – I told her in the kitchen that I filed for divorce and that she would be served within the hour and that I would be taking the kids out for breakfast so she would be alone (the kids do not know yet). I sat at Dunkin Donuts eating a cinnamon roll, having some fun conversation with the kids, and watching the clock, knowing exactly when it would happen…and waiting for verification via a phone call that the deed was done. Afterwards, I dropped the kids off at home and left for work. She was leaving for a week-long business trip, so I would not see her until the following Friday night. Filing and serving her was not something I felt good about, in fact – a tremendous sense of guilt descended upon me in the days that followed. It was so bad, that I stayed at home for three days sick and barely able to move. For me, I think this guilt and accompanying depression was the last hurdle for me to accept the truth….the truth that my marriage was dead. I was also worried about how she would react….would she actually fight for the marriage? This possibility haunted me a bit because if she did that, fight for the marriage, what would I do? I worked too hard to get to a safe place – if she fought to right the boat, then I would be confronted with a very serious dilemma. While she was gone, I also moved to a spare bedroom in the basement and began doing my own laundry. I transitioned to 100% roommate status. When she got home a week later, I asked for some alone time to discuss next steps. She granted my request and we went out to have coffee and discuss the dissolution of our marriage. Our conversation was nearly all business. I was so very calm. It was obvious within seconds that she would not be fighting to save the marital boat. I was so relieved to actually know the truth – it was over! As I sat there listening to her, I realized I do not want to be with this person anymore and that we are indeed finally on the same page. Now, a couple weeks later I am posting on EP to let you all know that tipping the boat over was relatively easy compared to all the preparations that preceded the event. Now, I am safely swimming to a new shore and she now “owns” the consequences of her actions and inactions. I am content knowing I have done everything humanly possible to save the marriage (that’s a big one!).

I am now feeling pretty good. I am planning for a better future. I am confident that I have been granted a second chance in life and I am going to take full advantage of it. All the pain and suffering I have endured for the past several years in a sexless dysfunctional marriage have had a profound effect upon me. I know myself better, I have gained confidence, and the lessons learned will result in a new relationship someday that will transcend anything I have ever experienced. My journey to the other side is far from over, but wanted you all to know that ‘tipping the boat over’ was a relief and has allowed me to focus on the future rather than on the past. Thanks to all on this forum who post regularly and with sincere desire to help others who are struggling in SMs. I will post again when I have something significant to share. I hope to be in a new house as a single father by the end of summer. I kinda picture myself acting like Tom Cruise in Risky Business that first weekend alone.
Buroak Buroak
51-55, M
10 Responses Jan 21, 2013

Hi Buroak,
Rated up again! I hope you know how much your support has helped me a long the way. I'm still treading water, but I can see the shore and it has never been more enticing.

I'm very glad to hear you are doing well UJ. Treading water sometimes is all we can do. Keep your chin up.

"Our conversation was nearly all business. I was so very calm. It was obvious within seconds that she would not be fighting to save the marital boat."

Why wouldn't it be anything else but business...that's obviously what she wanted...money.

"I am safely swimming to a new shore and she now “owns” the consequences of her actions and inactions"

She did not do her part in the marriage..she doesn't own any of the consequences only you're money. Apparently that doesn't trouble you.

Hi Buroak, thanks again for sharing your stories and offering support.
Hugs - UJ

Thank you so much for your post. I have not turned the boat over, but I have began making waves. Your encouragement is applauded.

It isn't easy taking that first step but you did & it is working out for you. That's awesome! Keep your chin up & look to the future.

I wish mine happened that easily. I asked for a divorce, moved out & all but 3 months later I was back. It was good for a couple weeks now we are back at no intimacy. We are best friends & everything else is great. We just don't have sex!

So I've decided for now to stay in the marriage & find affection elsewhere. I have stated to him my intentions & he says as long as I tell him he's ok with it. So what's a woman to do?

It's never easy to 'do the right thing' but you did it...you knew what you had to do for yourself, and you did it....that is commendable...best wishes to you and your children as you 'tread this new path'...

Brother Buroak well done. I myself tipped over my wifes boat last night after i discovered her cheating on me.

Why it came as a huge shock to her as to why i will not be fixing the marriage i do not know. Just like yourself i had been warning the missus for ages about her behavour and just like you i was met with in difference.

Nice to know you are in a better place and hoping i will come out of it fine too as i have prepared well for my rainy day.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thanks Frustrated,

I read your recent story after I posted mine...and my heart sank as I read it. There are no words of sympathy that can temper such pain, but it's all people can offer during such a difficult time of grieving. I hope that you find peace and comfort in executing your exit plan and taking back some control over how you will live your life. The pain of emotional betrayal and adultery are so very severe....take care of yourself first my friend!

The leaving option involves a real spike in the emotional pain level, but the hard unremmitting grind is the logistics.

If, as you did, you started on the logistics well before hand - when you were capable of objective unemotional thinking - it smooths the way a great deal.

But it is never "easy". Advance preparation does however make it "managable".

Tread your own path.

Hi Baz,
I didn't mean to imply that it was "easy"....far from it, but filing and serving her were easier steps than many others I have taken on this **** road. The reason being, perhaps, because tipping the boat over gives you an honest answer and gives you some control. The honest answer I got was she didn't care about our marriage anymore and the control gained was I initiated the legal disolution of our marriage. Being the one to initiate the divorce will have no impact on the outcome - but it does make me feel better.

Very well handled! I feel sure that your preparations went a LONG way to smoothing over the possible "eruptions" that this might have caused, had you not planned so well. It is a difficult time ahead - but the worst part is over. And you can beginning to plan the next phase of your life - as hl42 says, in "pleasantly warm waters" rather than the "polluted muck you were in before"!!! Every best wish for a happy and fulfilling future!!

My feeling about that analogy was that the boat was already underwater (or at least, fatally holed with the band possibly playing on) - and that you'd find the open water was pleasantly warm - and particularly by comparison with the polluted muck you were in before.

So, congratulations, and now you'll be able to steer your own course, and unmuddied because you got your answer so clearly.

Hi hl42,
yes....the boat certainly had some holes in it, but she was definitely still seaworthy...i.e., comfortable enough for her to just do nothing. So, now we are both in the water and the swim to shore is indeed a long one and I know I'm better prepared than she because I have done th hrd work....she hs done nothing. I wish her well and do hope she makes it to a safe shore. My focus though is no longer on her, but on me and my kids,