Putting It Out To The UniverseMy closest cousin called from Panama yesterday to chat. We talked about 'putting things out to the universe.' I've been putting out an SOS of sorts, also known as, "i need to deal with with my marriage" message.
Even though I already got some sound advice from HL42, I've been in avoidance mode for a few weeks.
I have already admitted the EP community that I strayed at Christmas time. A one-off fling. The only problem is that I engaged in an ongoing "conversation" with somebody else in the New Year. A gorgeous, successful single father. And we planned to have an affair.
BUT yesterday I knew that I couldn't. As did he. So when he sent me a gentle rejection (weighed heavy on his conscience, couldn't get involved while I am married), it was not a surprise.
And it's okay. I have had misgivings, too, about proceeding with an "affair." I even started to write my own, "I can't do this to you" email yesterday. Didn't send it because in the struggle between right and wrong, I was swayed by REALLY wanting to do the "wrong" thing with him.
I know that an affair is nothing more than a distraction, a band aid; it would serve only to allow me to avoid facing the problem and, at the same time, highlight was is wrong in my marriage. And too many people get hurt by it. Things are messy enough. Don't really need more mess.
I am disappointed, but I think that's because I probably would have liked him for more than just mind-blowing sex. :)
I guess what I am trying to say is that it's important to be receptive to the messages of the "universe" (or God, or the goddess, or whatever). Distractions will be there, but one is always led back to where they are supposed to be.
So here I am.
Which is ironic, I don't really want to "be" here. BUT I know that I need to face this. I have no choice but to face it.
I am lacking courage. I committed to writing my husband a letter... I guess that's the first step. And I have an app't with a counselor on Wednesday afternoon.
How does one muster the courage to do this? To move forward?
TrulyMadlyDeeply38 41-45, F 13 Responses 5 Jan 21, 2013