I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Putting It Out To The Universe

By: TrulyMadlyDeeply38

Written on January 21st, 2013

My closest cousin called from Panama yesterday to chat. We talked about 'putting things out to the universe.' I've been putting out an SOS of sorts, also known as, "i need to deal with with my marriage" message.

******
Even though I already got some sound advice from HL42, I've been in avoidance mode for a few weeks.

I have already admitted the EP community that I strayed at Christmas time. A one-off fling. The only problem is that I engaged in an ongoing "conversation" with somebody else in the New Year. A gorgeous, successful single father. And we planned to have an affair.

BUT yesterday I knew that I couldn't. As did he. So when he sent me a gentle rejection (weighed heavy on his conscience, couldn't get involved while I am married), it was not a surprise.

And it's okay. I have had misgivings, too, about proceeding with an "affair." I even started to write my own, "I can't do this to you" email yesterday. Didn't send it because in the struggle between right and wrong, I was swayed by REALLY wanting to do the "wrong" thing with him.

I know that an affair is nothing more than a distraction, a band aid; it would serve only to allow me to avoid facing the problem and, at the same time, highlight was is wrong in my marriage. And too many people get hurt by it. Things are messy enough. Don't really need more mess.

I am disappointed, but I think that's because I probably would have liked him for more than just mind-blowing sex. :)
*****

I guess what I am trying to say is that it's important to be receptive to the messages of the "universe" (or God, or the goddess, or whatever). Distractions will be there, but one is always led back to where they are supposed to be.

So here I am.

Which is ironic, I don't really want to "be" here. BUT I know that I need to face this. I have no choice but to face it.

I am lacking courage. I committed to writing my husband a letter... I guess that's the first step. And I have an app't with a counselor on Wednesday afternoon.

How does one muster the courage to do this? To move forward?

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By: TrulyMadlyDeeply38

Age: 41-45 , Female

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31 responses

Sharpie7

Move forward with conviction, but be patient as you do so. Know yourself, your values and core beliefs, and don't compromise them. All the things you want will be yours if you love yourself. YOU have to be your greatest lover!

Feb 5
2 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Agreed. :)
  
  Feb 10
  1 like
stranded7

It"s not easy, but seem to be doing the right thing,writing a letter to your husband is the first,but hardest way to start to end your unhappy life.

Feb 4
1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Have you done so? It's been a few weeks, and I tried to write something out and it just didn't come together. I think I'm preparing to talk to him instead. At least start there and let him know what's going on and what I want to see happen.
  
  Feb 4
  1 like
xxnsnxx

With God. Talk to God everyday. The best counselor one can have. Take time each day. Where God will lead you will be mind-blowing. May you be blessed always.

Jan 28
1 like
harveyspecter

I wish I knew how to muster the courage. I'm a few steps behind you. I was definitely nodding in the "been there, done that" motion when reading how you got really close to an affair and it didn't happen.
Today is Wednesday. I hope the counseling went better than expected.

Jan 23
1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Counselling was good. I, obviously, don't have a clear direction, but feel like I might be able to get to one.
  It was reaffirming to have a third-party acknowledge that my H is passive. He knows that I am "unsettled," but won't ask me about it ("it" being why I am upset about our SM). If I don't have the courage to say anything, then we will be able to avoid this FOREVER.
  Okay. Maybe not. I'm too tenacious to continue to accept the status quo.
  As for you, HS, you'll get there if you want to. Baby steps.
  
  Jan 23
  1 like
SCOTTYSDAD

I held off on the affair portion for years and did the self growth. It was worth it to me than just hopping in and I am better for it. Then you grow and learn and recognize the emotions and societal judgments and expectations and things that really no longer serve you in certain unanticipated circumstances. You step into your authentic self and allow yourself the permission to be happy in all areas of your life. You embrace your self love, you embrace yourself. You eventually stop judging anything as good or bad, even the sexless marriage and the refuser. Nothing is either good or bad, everything just simply.....is.
Would imploding the family home one way vs another way, make any difference in the end? And if so, then how is it that the refuser puts such a risk on the table even if the refused stays faithful but eventually walks away anyhow?
To repress yourself in many ways, physically, mentally, emotionally, is not living. To think it gains any leverage at the end is even more futile.
Stay and accept it totally(for real)
cheat and accept that it is what it is until it isn't
leave and accept the fallout along the various timelines
The Catch 22, it will always be.

Develop the self growth and self love, become at peace over all, detach from the refuser and any outcome completely, face the fears and embrace your love and allow yourself permission to live again, no matter which choice you choose. Anything else, is the definition of insanity.

Stepping towards the edge of an affair and scaring yourself back happens to most people, it just means that there is more for you to process. A year or so later, once processed, you see things more clearly, more deliberately. Even more so IF /when you realize the refuser was really fully conscious with nothing to remedy them of.

Jan 23
1 like
lohla

I hate that you're hurting so bad. I know how it feels to be on the brink of an affair and that clouded mushy hopeful feeling that goes with it. You've been neglected in the worst way, by your spouse, so no judgments here- even if you had gone through with it.
As far as the letter, I agree about being cautious about things you put into writing and only you TRULY know if your husband would use your pain against you if this falls through. And if you DON'T know if he would- well, obviously put a hold on that.
When I wrote my letter, I had already opened the conversation but I feel like I put things out there better in writing. In my case, this was such an embarrassing subject for my husband already that I knew it wasn't about to be made public in any way when I wrote it. If you have any doubts- hold off. But at the same time, if you have doubts that you can even talk to him, then isn't it already over? Ugh. My heart just aches for you. It feels terrible.
I don't have much to offer except support. My inbox is open anytime you need it and I hope you gain strength in any and all decisions you come to.

Jan 22
1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  You are so sweet; your support appreciated. I think I've been hiding the "hurt" for some time now. I am not usually emotional until I read responses here (be it my or someone else's story). I believe it's just the start of the "pain."
  I read a book quite a few years ago called, "Care of the Soul," by Thomas Moore. The gist of it? Sometimes one needs to be in a dark place, to surface anew.
  We (you, me, others) will be alright, right? The key is to not give up or quit trying to create authenticity, and to make choices as needed, modifying along the way. Otherwise, we stay exactly where we are. Stuck.
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Think what I was trying to say is that even though this hurts, I'm willing to feel it, in the hopes of (re)surfacing.
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
- lohla
  I've been looking for a new motivational book to read lately and that sounds just like something I would enjoy. Definitely going to check that out!
  I really agree with that line of thinking and believe if there's anything we can take from all ..*this*.. it should be lesson learned and motivation to move forward positively. :)
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
smithy8015

truly, i would first question whether the underlying relationship is, really, respectful. IMO, a spouse who ignores their partner's pain for prolonged periods of time....ain't really respectful of, or caring about, their partner.
how to get started? baby steps which tend to build. Seeing an atty. checking in to your (joint) and (separate) finances. where you (or he) would wind up living. research---lots of it.
as for how to tell him, unless you are 100 percent positive he will have only your best interests at heart (see first paragraph, above)? i wouldn't put *anything* in writing. have a face to face conversation. AFTER you have consulted an atty and are confident you have a viable plan, should your h erupt.
baby steps first. good luck and lots of it your way.

Jan 22
2 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  You are right, smithy. I feel like I bear the responsibility for most of this, because of my behaviour early in the marriage. But you are SO right. I don't know why he's avoided intimacy. I can't answer for him. All I know is that it hurts deeply.
  I've tried multiple times to write a letter; I wanted to express how A.L.O.N.E. I am; how I crave intimacy. BUT I am not sure I crave it with him now. And I can't seem to get the words out. I'm struggling over how I got here. I had no intentions of leaving his marriage in December. I thought an affair would be just the solution. I realize now that it is not.
  And I don't know if we can overcome this huge gap in intimacy. I don't make any sense. I'm so fuzzy today. Not clear on anything.
  But I appreciate your thoughts. Need to absorb some more.
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
actionjake

Not sure I would write the letter to husband just yet. Talk to counsler first .

Jan 22
2 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Will do.
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
amithecrazyone

Hey Pretty Girl:
I don't think "mind-blowing sex" is good enough for you. Am I projecting my own thoughts or do you want to be actually loved by a man? For me, the mind blowing sex follows respect, trust and love for a man. If I feel that for him, I am going to get wild with him...

Jan 22
2 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  LOL. I know. It's not good enough. I think this guy and I both realized that there was A LOT more at stake. That's why it won't happen. And I'm okay with that.
  I crave an intimate, respectful relationship; I want it desperately. I have the respectful relationship part. Just not the intimacy.
  First things first, deal with what's in front of me. One foot in front of the other. Though today I'd rather curl into a ball and avoid everything.
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
- amithecrazyone
  Me too! Fight it girl, fight that feeling! Opps, found myself talking to myself again.
  Hey Bazaar, copy me in on that comment. Need to hear the truth.....need the motivation, any kind of motivation even the negative.
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  I am a wet noodle today; no fight in me. Maybe tomorrow? :)
  HL42 wrote a response somewhere on EP that I copied to my computer so that I could think about it. When I'm home later, I will find it and post it here. It's sort of like a beacon, drawing one out from underneath the rock (which is where you will find me, if you're looking). ((insert a sort of chuckle))
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Here it is. I am embarrassed that I don't remember where I found it on EP. But it resonates:
  "On my deathbed, if there's anything I'll regret, it's not acting sooner. The years when I was not expressing myself and connecting with love and intimacy were barren and wasted. For me, the meaning of "sex" is huge, it's part of who I am and what makes life worthwhile - for me." -- HL42, EP member
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  I hope to be able to convey this to my husband.
  
  Jan 22
  1 like
2 More Replies
bazzar

In the school of motivation there are two main drivers.
One is the fear of failure, which can be harnessed and converted into an attitude of working diligently to avoid failure.
One is the desire for success, which can be harnessed and converted into an attitude of working diligently to embrace better - as yet unknown - things.
But you have to be super diligent in scoping your position.
Example. You might regard staying married as a successful outcome to work toward. (ie, having a motive of fearing not being able to stay married) If you are in a typical ILIASM shithole, this would likely not actually be a successful outcome at all in the bigger scheme of you living an enhanced life.
A lot of times ones motivation is a bit of a mix of the two different aspects.
What do you want ???? What do you TRULY want ????
And are you fear driven, or success driven ? (Either is good, but you really need to know which motivation is your best fit, because then you can construct your life plan on a basis of truth to yourself.)
Me ? I was predominantly fear driven during my time in the spin dryer, but as that process unfolded, I made a gradual shift to a success motivation.
Tread your own path.

Jan 21
4 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Hmm, I come from a position of thinking a divorce means failure, the "easy way out." I swore I wouldn't get married if the outcome would be divorce. But I was younger then, and didn't think that sex was a high priority for a marriage (even though my gut told me I was wrong).
  So. I need to explore what I TRULY want. I have an idea. And it's funny, it goes straight to the core of who I am, who I *was.* I feel like I'm on the verge of a (re)awakening. As though I have been pretending to be somebody I'm not, for far too long.
  Which feels really deceptive. Though certainly not intentionally. But the possibilities excite me, and scare me, but in a good way, in ways I haven't dared to imagine.
  I am beginning to rely on you to be the voice of reason Mr. Bazzar. Thank you. :)
  
  Jan 21
  1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Oh goodness, and by no means do I think *anybody* takes the 'easy way out' with a divorce... just that's how I saw it for many years; that a couple didn't work hard enough to make it work, didn't make sacrifices or compromises needed to make it work.
  I realize now that when a person is at the point of a divorce, enough "work" has been done to eliminate any possible hope of a successful marriage.
  
  Jan 21
  1 like
- bazzar
  Nice "save" lol.
  Must admit, when I was a fair bit younger, and hadn't thought about the subject too much (ie "at all" !!!) I figured that people getting divorced were bits of weakies who baled out when it got a bit hot in the kitchen.
  A few trips around the block showed me different - that people stay in dead deals beyond what is healthy, for them or the other.
  THEN of course, came my turn in the spin dryer !!!!!
  And I hung in way beyond endurance.
  
  Jan 23
  1 like
- amithecrazyone
  Hi Bazaar: I am in the fear of failure camp.
  
  Jan 24
  1 like
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Know how you feel, AITCO! Woke up this AM thinking "I can't do this." SO scared. Even to explore; to find my "path."
  
  Jan 24
  1 like
2 More Replies
Stayandcheat

It depends where/what you feel 'forward' is?
You want to avoid an affair to keep the complications out so that leaves two options. Stay and attempt to fix or leave.
Write the letter, have the talk (possibly again), seek help etc. When you've done all you can then it maybe the moment to call time on a dead marriage and exit.

Jan 21
3 likes
- TrulyMadlyDeeply38
  Exactly. What is "forward?" It's not where I am right now, that's for certain.
  And I know that I cannot continue to be miserable, depressed, frustrated, angry, hurt, alone (how can somebody be "alone" in a marriage?) anymore. It's like acid eroding my person-hood; it's becoming destructive.
  Tomorrow morning I have quiet time to write the letter. I'll start there.
  And thank you, too, "stayandcheat" for your response.
  
  Jan 21
  1 like
- SCOTTYSDAD
  We all have to overcome the repression of our oppression(whether oppressed by the refuser or by our own selves).
  Stepping into our authentic self is great but, we also don't want to over identify with it. Don't be authentic......but BE authentic. said another way, don't seek authenticity, BE authenticity.
  
  Jan 23
  1 like

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