Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

So Last Night I Rounded Off The Tab & Presented Her With The Account Owing

Just an update to my previous story. Last Friday my wife had met someone at V8 Drive Race Day. I coudn't go with her as i had to work but i discovered her unfaithfullnes within three days of it happening. Refer to my Story My Painful Discovery Thank God I Have An Exit Plan.

After steweing on the discovery of my wifes infedelity all day yesterday i decided that when i got home i would confront her.

I am pleased to say that i took the Moral High Ground and remained calm but stern.

I originally told her that i knew what she had got up to Sunday and we needed to talk about it needless to say she denied it and started to try to make me feel bad with how dare i accuse her.

So after quickly realising that she would deny deny deny i went straight to the car and got the voice recorder as i was in no mood to play games.

At first she still denied it insisting it was not her. Than she went on a tantrum on how dare i spy on her and invade her privacy.

I stayed calm and informed her she could make any excuse she wants but she owns this. I also told her calmly you are mad because i know the truth and will no longer be fooled or obliged to support such an unfaithful spouse.

I truly believe that my calmness had shaken her up and taken her by surprise. She quickly realised that i was not playing around and that i meant every word.

I calmly informed her that this scenario was a deal breaker for me and i can now exit the marriage knowing i have done everything i can to salvage it.

Once this sunk in she pleaded for another chance, cut up her phone sim card swearing to get a new number, and even tried to seduce me and here is the bigge offered me sex every day for the next month as long as i reconsider and work it out with her.

I stayed true to myself and told her i had too much pride for that and perhaps she should focus her sexual efforts on someone new. Its amazing how she would trcikle sex to once a fortnight but than offer up an open tab.

So end of the day i told her just how much she had hurt me, that she owned her choice to be unfaithful and she now had to take responsibility for the consequences her choices bring.

I stated that when our children returned from holidays with her parents she is now a co parent and needs to contribute to the house hold expenses.

She made a half attempt in offering to move out so i called her bluff and said if she wanted to do that i would call Child Support and have them work out what she is owed. Surprise Surprise she turned me down.

Thanks to everyone for your support the response has been overwhelming. I have made the decision that i will just communicate as little as possible with her as she is extremely manipulative and let my lawyers deal with whoever she eventually hires.
Frustrated1978 Frustrated1978 31-35, M 16 Responses Jan 21, 2013

Your Response


What would you want from her to make a difference and make your marriage to work?

Bravo !!! Assess the situation, make a clear plan towards a well defined goal, then execute.
Your logs are sure to help others who find themselves in similar circumstances.

Hey there - as someone who has been there, I'd like to commend you on your choices thus far. I dealt with a very similar situation, and always tried to take the high ground - and in the long run it served me well. One day, the two of you will not be at odds anymore - and when that day comes, you'll be glad you took this road.<br />
<br />
Remember - because you have kids together, you will be in a relationship (of one kind or another) with her for the rest of your lives - better not to poison the waters any more than they already are. I'm 12+ years down the road from my own divorce, and I'm here to tell you that it gets better - especially as the kids get older. But hurts to be where you are right now...and it will for a while. But it won't always - hang in there.<br />
<br />
I found this book very useful when I was going through the worst of it - you might check it out (I hope it is ok to post links!):<br />
<br /><br />
<br />
Best of luck - AMM

You really had the attitude I would need for myself. You did extremely great IMHO. Your stbx is very... well, words not enough to describe the offering of a "let's have a month of sex and no questions asked". Oh my GOD!

Yes unfortunately she is one of those that thinks her putting out some sex will fix all her

Well not this i have too much pride for that. Its about someone held her responsible for her decisions as she seems to have cruised through life with no consequences.

For crying out loud her own sisters dont speak to her.

"offered me sex every day for the next month as long as i reconsider and work it out with her."

If that doesn't highlight her attitude that sex is a manipulative tool, then nothing does.

You are onto bigger and better things, and hopefully soon-to-be-NOT-frustrated1978!

You did great!

I was very impressed with this too and the way you rationalized through this! Consequently I read more of your stories Frustrated (you're quite the writer, I hope you're using that talent.) and am sorry to hear about what sounds like the slow and painful deterioration of what was once a great partnership. Purely as a bystander (seen this with my own parent's marriage) and someone with a healthy fear of commitment on that level, I have to ask: Why is it a deal breaker if your wife cheats on you, yet you both tried to work things out when you had an affair? Obviously there's some egregious violations of respect going on here, and no, you two probably cannot be healthy for each other at this point. But it seems to be an interesting pattern I see often. 1 affair, that's a strike. Affairs on both parties? they're out.

FewWords makes a very valid point about the affairs - working it out when you did it, but not your wife. I believe I had forgotten that you had an affair.

Honestly, the fact that you caught her should be a blessing in disguise. When I look back at all your stories, every single title is hateful, angry, and demeaning to your wife. Yes, yes....I understand what this group is and the pain we all feel because our spouse's withhold sex. This does indeed make us angry. But in all of your stories, I've never seen any love for her. In fact, in one story you said outright, "I hate my wife. I hate her." Horrible person, horrible wife, horrible mom, etc. I can't even understand why you both stayed married for as long as you have.

Seriously -- this is your "get out of jail free card." Now you can marinate in your hate for your wife even more. Perhaps, as you referenced in your prior story, you were only hanging on for the money? I dunno. Seems like there's been little to no love or respect for a very long time from either of you.

I think her having an affair and also refusing her husband sex is the dealbreaker. She had sex with someone else but not with him. He had an affair after a sexless marriage of many years.

Yes i did have an affair and i own that. I did that after many months of a sexless marriage and have owned that ever since.

My wife however has done many things in the past which have not been mentioned on these pages. She used to meet up with men behind my back under the pretense of being mates and i had caught her out before a couple of years back when she rang me one day to say she was going out with a friend after work that day for drinks.

She did not get home until 12 midnight. The very next day i was meeting up with a friend of mine at 8.30am at his house. I asked where his wife was only to be told she had a girls sleep over at house of the person my wife supposedly went out with.

When i asked him was my wife with them he looked at me like a stunned mullett. She always use to deny she did anything in the past and i just swallowed it becuase it was convenient.

And yes Miss Lee i was very angry at her but not any more. I'm not perfect but in large despite recent events i really did do my best to give her everything.

The why it is a deal breaker for me is that when she asked me previously to get back together this very issued had been discussed extensively. We both spoke about the above things and agreed to certain conditions if the marrige was to stay alive.

I kept those promises. In return i got nothing but accusations, contempt, and constant digging up of the past, to only find out it was her that needed watching all along and i was supporting a liar.

Anyway whats done is done. And yes at one point i loved her very much and would of done anything for her. Somewhere along the line she changed and i become harder.

Well done to stay so calm. Good luck.

I just want to tell you that I'm in awe by your compure and I hope that if I ever find myself in this situation, that I can look back at how maturely you have handled things and that it would help me (or anyone else following your story) if in your shoes.
You are going to be more than okay. I can just tell. Stay strong and keep this compure throughout and I hope nothing but good comes your way.

composure* wow, I have ADD fingers today!

I know this must be really tough for you but I'm proud of how you're handling this sorry mess - with grace and dignity!
God bless you.

I am very very very proud of you my friend! I am sorry that this happend to you too but hey better now than later. If you need me msg me,.

I am so sad for you:-(. God hates a divorce but He approves on the grounds of adultery. I hope you can get through this and also be a source of comfort to your children who will be shattered.

So you have a direct line to god now? Hey everyone, elvPresleylover - the next messiah right here!

The children do not have to be shattered unless someone decides to divulge the affair to them. I guess if one affair is exposed, the other ought be.

agree, miss lee, if one affair is exposed, the other ought to be, as well.

in any event, none of these details should be fodder for the children. the children should be shielded, as much as humanly possible, from any and all animosity/negativity.

I absolutely agree with you, smithy. The children should be kept from the dirty details.

1 More Response

I just saw this after responding to other story:<br />
<br />
You need to give her consequences IMMEDIATELY. Asking her to get a job as punishment is a joke. Even if she could get one in this economy, that's just a way for her to meet more people and grow her independence, not dependence on you. Your goal now is to be respected, whether or not you take her back.<br />
<br />
At this point... If it were me, I would lock her in the bedroom for a month using her whenever I wanted... she's almost agreed to this anyways. During this month, you can use D/s techniques to break her, get inside her head, just take your frustration out on her body, and basically turn her into your personal servant (satisfying and effective). Do whatever you want with her, the more extreme the better and video tape it all. After this month, you can decide if she has changed enough or been honest enough or proven herself enough to stay. If not, kick her out day 32, boxes on lawn, and she will be shattered after spending that month as your slave.

There's more context.. another story with replies and this one were she offered herself daily. To clarify, I'm saying he should counteroffer with his own rules added. Then it's up to her to say yeah or nay. Not advocating kidnapping.

You are a sick, sick idiot.

Why the h*ll do you think what he's doing has anything to do with punishment in the first place? He's getting back his self-respect and getting himself AWAY from manipulative, twisted games, not partaking in them. For that he has MY respect.

YOU on the other hand, probably deserve to be with his STBX.

If he wanted to leave her, he would have kicked her out already. He's obviously trying to continue the relationship when he says she needs to get a job in a few weeks to pay her share. Again, when she offered to leave, he basically told her to stay. He is NOT getting himself away from her as you state.

He's staying and participating in the "twisted" games as you put it. I'm suggesting that if he's made that choice, at least go all out. Don't keep playing the patsy, the nice, understanding guy that tries to work it out. So far, that's what he's doing. Since he's made the choice to stay and work things out, how do YOU suggest he proceed while living with a manipulative lair?

BTW... That's why I don't deal with manipulators and liars anymore. The only way to stay in a relationship with them is to stay on top of them and that's not a good use of energy.

I agree he should have kept his mouth closed and let her move out, then just served her the child support papers... he missed his opportunity...

When you have children with one of these "liars/manipulators" it's really hard to know when to shut up - when that could lead to fights over the children, it's really, really hard to let the other parent "go there". Nothing to do with "wanting a relationship", IMHO.

nschildress you have no idea. I certainly do not want to continue the relationship with her.

Me telling her she has to cough up half the household expenses is me letting her know that she is on her own from now on and i wont be paying her way any longer now that she has been exposed.

As for tying her up and abusing her laws in Australia are such that even if you look at a women the wrong way if she complains to the police about it your arrested thrown out of the house until you have your day in court.

And even than its up to you to prove your innocence.

zsuzilowinger, I agree that there is no "right" move to make with manipulators. It's a constant game and my personal answer is to cut all ties. But it sure can be satisfying to gain the upper hand for a few days.

Frustrated1978, even if you don't want to continue the relationship with her, you actually are by staying in the house together. Why did you not let her leave when she offered? If the relationship is truly over, my first priority would be getting physically away from her, kicking her out or even leaving myself (what my brother had to do). To be honest, she probably heard the same thing I did... which was that she needs to get a job in a few weeks so that she is paying her own way in several months... plenty of time to play you and turn things around. Not even a slap on the wrist.

Also, since you mention it, staying in the house with her opens you up to all kinds of legal issues... what if you guys have a yelling match and she decides she wants to scrape your face off? Who do you think will go to jail (ask my brother)? Or some of your valuables start disappearing? If you are worried about the law, then all the more reason for separation.

BTW... I know it's easy to make these statements being an objective bystander.

I appreciate your input and i will clarify. My wife is one of the better manipulators life has to offer.

She would have never moved out that much i can guarantee. Also because i have kids and in Australia my lawyer said if i move out that would be classified as abandonment therefore opening the way for a 65 - 35 split in her favour becuase she will end up with kids.

I have hired a really good law firm with vast experience in these matters so i am just listening to their advice.

Either your laws are ****** or you have a bad law firm... over here, the law and lawyers understand the need for physical separation and deal with it accordingly. It doesn't need to be official... even over there I can't believe that staying with family for several days a week is abandonment, especially when you still paying for everything. Also, I guess I'm a fighter because if I wanted out, I would have called her bluff and physically moved her stuff out as the discussion continued... at least given her a run for her money.

I also saw some of your other posts where I feel the initial stories were manipulative. You didn't mention cheating on her in them. Now in two consecutive posts, you use fear of the law as a reason for your actions even though you didn't seem to have this same fear when you committed adultery or recorded her without her permission. Maybe you are going easy on her because you set fire to your own house. I don't know and am getting the idea there's too much not being told to comment further.

"Either your laws are ****** or you have a bad law firm... "

I'm guessing you are not a lawyer. This law - that if you move out the other partner gets primary child access - is fairly consistent in many jurisdictions.

People, GO SEE A LAWYER because otherwise THIS is the type of advice you get online, the "I can't believe that" law advice.

I've had friends and acquaintances that moved out with no ill effects regarding child custody or finances (USA). Telling him to get a second opinion from another lawyer isn't legal advice. It's common sense.

And like I went on to stay, staying a few nights away every week isn't going to result in a legal judgement of abandonment (look at some statutes). He could get a separation agreement or take the kids with him regularly. If he wanted physical separation, he should explore his options further. There are lawyers that fight for what you want and lawyers that tell how to play it safe and easiest for them. Big difference.

Perhaps you missed the part where he says he lives in Australia. Their divorce laws may differ from America's.

We're aware. That's why the quote zsus... raised earlier says "your laws", and I wrote USA in parenthesis in my reply. zsus... brought up general custody law so I brought my limited knowledge on it in to demonstrate that there are obvious options. I'm sure there are some options in Australia too.

The guy is posting on EP and getting 100's of comments because he wants a variety of opinions. If he just wanted everyone to agree with him or his lawyer, he would never have posted anything.

Australian law is very similar in this matter to law in many other countries, including many States of the USA. I'm an Australian . . .

Following the LEGAL advice one receives from a qualified legal representative is likely to be in everyone's better interests than following the advice of nschildress.

10 More Responses

Kudos for taking the moral high ground!
The best possible way of handling it, if i ever be in a situation like this (even if i were to be the cheating wife) at the bottom of my heart I would still have huge respect for you. Well done!

Thank you for the update. Good that you stood your ground and remained calm and in control.

Keep moving forward towards a higher quality of life.

good going, congratulations on taking the strong, firm, high moral ground. you will look back on this (*your* behaviour) and you will be proud. rightfully so.

keep us posted. i have found much of value in your previous stories; and i am sure you know we have your back.

Geez you've done well Brother F.

In the not too far distant future, I think an evening of "Aussie Therapy" would be well in order for you. A couple of trusted mates, a couple of eskies full of tinnys, a locality where you will bother no-one, and a good old skinful of ****. A few laughs, and tears if that's where it leads.
I shall await my invite to this **** up !!!!!

A bit of a de-compress would do you no harm whatsoever pretty soon I reckon.

You have attended (brilliantly) to the immediate issue(s), and you will need re-charge for other problems as they emerge. A mindless evening on the ink seems well indicated to me. (Leave your mobile at home lest the temptation to make the odd drunken phone call strikes you)

And, stay plugged in here if it is helping.

Tread your own path.

Thanks Bazz

Being an active member here is helping. There is so much good advice on offer if one is willing to accept it.

Mate honestly your a credit to this board and i'm sure most here appreciate the wise advice you give.

A **** up! - When and where?

I didn't even understand the first half of bazz's reply, but I wholeheartedly agree with him!!!! :)

Translations for you Miss Lee
"Trusted Mates" = very close friends
"Eskie" = portable ice box
"Tinnys" = cylindrical metal containers of beer
"Skinful of ****" = replete with a surfeit of alcohol
"**** Up" = highly sophisticated social outing, usually of males

Haha...thanks. It was "Eskie, Tinnys, and "Skinful of ****" I had trouble with. ;-)

Yeah it's interesting how the word "pissed" means something completely different on the other side of the Pacific... as does "rooting" for the football team...

3 More Responses