Living In A Sexless Marriage

I have been married 40 years. My wife and I were raised in a blackbelt fundamentalist religion where sex was a sin, even dancing was sinful. We were good members of this horrible religion. We didn't touch other than holding hands. And then on our wedding night, all that was forbidden was ok.

When I tried to enter her it hurt and I pulled back. We didn't have sex on our wedding night, nor did we have sex on the second day of our marriage. On our third day she told me to go ahead and do it even if it hurt. I did.

She was so happy to "have done it." When I pulled out and looked down between her legs there was a pool of blood on the bed. No one can know how much blood there was. It was shocking. I thought I might have to call for an ambulance. She lay on the bathroom floor and I mopped up blood. I went and got Kotext pads and she put that on. She was too embarrassed to go to the ER.

We were both traumatized by that. I felt like I'd stabbed her.

Sex for us was never easy after that.

We had sex maybe a dozen times a year for the first few years. Then she came down with endometriosis. She had a hysterectomy and after that she complained that the sex was painful.

For the past 20 years we have not had sex. I will not leave my wife and I will not be unfaithful, unless you count internet **** and ************ being unfaithful. I'm very unhappy. I've struggled with depression for years. I sometimes hate myself for wanting to have sex. I gave up on god.

What kind of god gives you a sex drive and then pulls a fast one on you like this? Why would god put a waste disposal pipe down what is often a popular recreational area? I feel my life is coming to an end, and the one thing I wanted so badly as a Christian prisoner, was to have a sex life. I love my wife and I understand why sex is so unappealing to her. It is hard not to feel like I'm the one that is unappealing. I understand that sex has always been painful so why would she "like it?" Nevertheless, I feel sure I'll die unhappy.
NormanDixon NormanDixon
61-65
7 Responses Jan 22, 2013

You will probably survive the sexlessness (because people of all religions face that), but you will never make it with a religion like that.

Our Earth is a very, very difficult place to live. God would not have sent you here if you could not handle it...so you do have the power to make it through.

There are a lot of different ways that you could handle this situation, starting with a marriage counselor and a couple sex therapist.

If you wife has not desire to change things, then it would be BETTER for BOTH OF YOU to go your separate ways. I'll say that again...if you and your wife cannot work together to regain your intimacy, you are BOTH BETTER OFF divorced (or you could permanently separate, if getting divorced is too much)!!!

Good luck!

I suspect that it is possible that you and I grew up in the same or an affiliated religion background. However my wife and I were always the rebels so there was more than hand-holding going on....

I think perhaps the issue here has less to do with religion and more to do with something that your wife would need to see a doctor (psychologist and physical)...in order to correct.

The sad part is that mine has now decided that this is how it is supposed to work....you age and when the bio-clock runs out...so does the need for physical intimacy. There is something broken within the understanding of Love (my definition and needs are very different from hers and discussion is all but impossible and laced with opportunity to expand into a very verbally nasty fight).

Your story sounds like there is more broken in the understanding of sex...and your wife not knowing perhaps even how to open the subject of seeking help for what could be a medical answer to a physical problem...that is manifesting itself as both. If you can talk to her about this and there not be a fight you may be able to gently nudge her to seek the answer. If you can no longer communicate even verbally....the physical will be forever out of reach and this is unlikely to change. I can't tell you how to deal with that - because I cannot either. There is only can I live with this or not left after that.

I don't know what advice I could give.


All I know is that your story is extremely sad.

Did she ever talk to her doc about why sex was so painful? I think there are hormones she could take after a hysterectomy. And, not to be graphic, but I don't think she should have bled THAT much her first time. I didn't. Sounds like there is a medical issue.

I'm no doc. Just sayin'. Good luck.

I am going to answer your story as if writing to someone with no knowledge of sex & surrounding medical issues & culture; if that is not the case, feel free to ignore. And nothing will happen without your wife's consent, obviously, but if she could be made aware that there might be pleasure for her, rather than shame and pain, that might be a step in the direction to reclaim both your lives.

There are two BIG reasons your wife might have pain during sex: 1. physical and 2. psychological.

For the physical, I would urge you to consult a GOOD doctor - one who is open and friendly - perhaps even a sex therapist. There are lubricants; there are techniques; there are many things that could make sex PLEASURABLE for your wife. There are also things you can do together that do not involve penis-in-vagina penetration, so that you can both get pleasure. Examples includes mutual mast.u.rbation, oral, sex toys, sensual massage, etc.

For the psychological - oh that one is far, far trickier. That one might stop you before you even get started. That one might be the deal breaker for both of you. Because if she's internalized that sex can never bring her pleasure, that it is not even worth trying to fix, you are stuck. Not only has she been brought up in a completely repressive way, but she also had the negative, painful first experiences. If you've already waited 20 years, if you are adamant that you are not leaving at the moment, perhaps a little further kindness and patience will get you somewhere - but if she's really internalized this, it may not, and I do feel sorry for the both of you.

As for god(s) and their existence or lack thereof, there is a whole thread on the topic in the forums section. For myself, I do not partake in religion; however, in your case, I believe you are mixing up god's will and the will of your particular community. If you do care to search, there are as many definitions of gods as there are people, and many groups reach out to gods that are so much more humane and kind than the one your community seems to believe exists. Although you will find no argument from me if you choose to deny the existence of any of the gods - I suggest the exploration of alternatives only as a way through to another belief, if it would make you happy.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

If you have "given up" on your God, you sure do still mention him / her a lot.

If you have "given up" on your God, I doubt that whatever he / she was reputed to have advised you via your old church would by now not be looming very large in your mind at all.

Maybe hearing from a 'new' church, and that new church's interpretation of the word of God might spark you along a bit. Maybe your missus too.

You got something to lose by exploring this ??

Meantime, by torpedoing the cheating and leaving options, you have left yourself no-where to go really. You can always re-think this, and challenge your thinking about it any time you like. The gift of free will was bestowed upon us somehow. There is no shame in using said gift - wherever it originated from.

Tread your own path.