Iliasssm - Ultimatum For My Sexless Same-sex Marriage - HelpNever posted here before. First of all thank you all for your stories -- finding this gave me the words for what I was going through and some of the courage and self-esteem that I needed to make this drastic step.
I'll try to put just the essential, because so much of what I feel has been said more eloquently elsewhere in this forum, but it's still long, bear with me:
I am a gay man, early 30s, I think I am really quite cute, I stay in good shape, doing sports and going to the gym. Of course tastes differ but there is no particular reason to reject me, and I never lacked boyfriends. Two years ago, I started dating a guy and we practically moved in together in less than a month (I was also feeling REALLY vulnerable after an unpleasant career change -- did it affect my judgment, I now wonder). I had a few qualms about his lifestyle -- so much drinking and partying, not much ambition -- but he was fun and affectionate and a wonderful cook and I just went along with it. He was the exact same age as me and I thought he was hot, definitely the most handsome guy I had dated. Sex was PRETTY GOOD -- not the best of my life -- but it was enough and good enough to keep me going. He initiated it as often as I did. We had sex several times a week which was enough for me, sometimes I even turned him down, imagine! Seems like another lifetime. I had some doubts about some aspects of the relationship but let's stick with the sex part, I don't think all the rest is relevant.
Flash forward to a year later: I suppress my doubts and we actually get married. A lot of it was romance, but there was also the fact that his student visa was running out so if we didn't get married he would have to leave the country (Canada). So we certainly got married out of love, but with a little more urgency and a little faster than we may have otherwise. I started sponsoring him for immigration to Canada, and spousal sponsorship can take a year and a half to complete here.
About six months into the relationship and about six months before the marriage, sex started to dwindle. A little bit at first: he started a tough physical job, we both liked to drink and party so sometimes on the weekends we would be hung over and even though I would still have been be up for sex, he would brush me off saying he felt like crap and he didn't feel like it. I was disappointed but OK. Then during the week we were both tired from work. Again I would have wanted sex but I let it go. The days would just fly by without sex, and suddenly it was once a week or once every two weeks. In parallel, he also seemed less affectionate - fewer hugs, fewer carresses. I was embarrassed to talk about sex directly, but I started insisting that I needed more. I asked him if he was bored or didn't find me attractive anymore. I asked him if he wanted to mix it up, change the way we had sex. He response was absolutely not but that he wanted some things from me, he wanted me to clean more -- even though I work twice as many hours as he does and I pay 2/3 of the rent. But I said I would make an effort to do it, I set up a schedule for myself. But that was the first alarm bell - he's using sex as a kind of ***-for-tat negotiation -- as if he is doing me a favor by having sex with me. So if I don't clean enough, it is OK to withhold sex as a punishment? For me, affection and sex are the basis of the relationship -- our "bad habits" that we can negotiate about should be separate.
The wedding comes and goes. I am making a bit effort to clean and do things he asked and still no sex and no other changes I asked for. So I stop holding up my side of the "changes". I start fighting more, reproaching him. I tell him he is killing me with his rejection, and my anger grows with the weeks of forced abstinence punctuated by once-monthly or twice-monthly, half-hearted sex. I make an extra effort to look good whenever he is around, I dress well, I look good, nothing. I try being sweet, I try getting angry, I try threatening, I try saying nothing. Nothing works. When we are alone he barely even turns to look at me, or talks to me he is just on the computer all the time. If I touch him he says "What are you doing" or has an excuse, either a hangover or tired from work, or saving his energy because he's going to work the next day. All BS excuses I am starting to think. He is constantly belittling and criticizing me, including in front of our friends. When we fight he destroys my stuff and doesn't replace it. If I tell him about things I need in the relationship his answers are like "oh shut up", "**** off", etc. In comparison, if he criticizes something about me I say okay I will try to fix it. I accuse him of playing some kind of passive-aggressive mind game with me but he says no he is just stressed out from work, immigration, etc. Again sounds like excuses to me -- those things were more stressful and less resolved a year ago.
For a long time I felt I couldn't leave because if we separate I am taking away his immigration rights. He would have to leave Canada. I gave him my word after all. But if I sponsor him I am legally responsible for him for three years, if he goes on welfare or something I will be billed. Right now I have a card in my hands and he treats me like garbage, but as soon as the immigration goes through he will have all the power and I will be able to do nothing about it. That scares me.
My psychologist tells me that I have low self-esteem, that I can't stand up for myself. He's right.
Then last week after three more weeks of sexual rejection and fighting, something snapped in me. Maybe reading this forum. I took our pets and I moved out to a friend's house. I texted him and called him every name in the book, told me that I am not his doormat and he has rejected me one too many times. I've been gone a week and we have an appointment with a couple's therapist. I told my spouse that I am not going to stay in a sexless loveless marriage and that I am not going to sponsor him for immigration and be legally responsible for him for years when he treats me like *$ and I get nothing in return. I told him that I was freezing the immigration application (not true, I don't have the guts and it seems too cruel).
So here I am sleeping on an air mattress at a friend's house. My husband is more social than me so a lot of our friends are originally his friends, I was afraid of losing my whole social circle if I leave. But some of our friend's reactions to my action have been surprisingly positive, like "teach him a lesson". Everyone expects us to get back together and I guess I do too.
I feel stronger now, like I could potentially handle it on my own. I feel less shame at disappointing everyone's expectations so soon after the wedding. I don't want to be forced to stay with him for the immigration thing, I have so much resentment over his sexual rejection that I am almost ready to face the option of filing for a divorce and cancelling the application if it doesn't work out.
So we are going to meet with the couples therapist several times in the near two weeks. I have told him and my spouse all this and my question to you is: what do I do in the next two weeks? I told my husband I won't come back unless things change, but I can't stay at my friend's forever. My spouse is shocked by what I have done and let's say he becomes a little nicer and more sexual. How do I know the change is real?If we try to reconcile, how do I do it, should I try and visit him for sex, or have him visit me? Just move back home right away and try it? If I just go back and he starts the rejection again, he'll just dismiss me as being emotional and acting out. But I want a real change or to end it.
I don't know what to do !!! What exactly should I ask for concretely before moving back? What should count as "a real change"? I'm so confused, and scared of the future. I don't want it to end, I don't want to ruin his life, but I don't want to ruin mine either!
Your advice would be much appreciated.
JeanVeux 31-35, M 9 Responses 0 Jan 22, 2013