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Trying To Make Things Right In My Life.

Getting my life back

Years of being home with children, hidden from the rest of the world and unemployed have changed who I am, for better and worse.
The better:
I have become a loving mother of two. I've learned that the” unconditional love” I thought I knew, was nothing until I had my kids; to love so much that it hurts, I can’t explain it. I've learned to multitask beyond my wildest dreams. I can change diapers in the dark, and get stains out of anything. I can sew, adjust, and take in any garment.
I can buy groceries and price match saving hundreds of dollars. I can cook a decent meal out of anything, while baking and keeping the kids busy. I can clean the entire house in one hour, and I can go on with only four hours of sleep a night for years.
And this summer I even built my shed, yes I did it!!!! Thank you
The worse:
I have neither the time nor the interest to do anything for ME, to draw or paint, to meet a friend for coffee, to do any socializing at all. Actually, I dread it.
If a meeting or a dinner doesn’t have a purpose, then I shouldn‘t do it just for me.
The only time I go out is to go to work once or twice a month, and that’s only for the purpose of making money. I can admit it now and without guilt though; it’s a nice break from the kids.
I am not the strong independent bread winner I used to be.
I don’t see myself as attractive, but then I really never did. Now with the baby weight though, it’s even worse.
I have to ask for everything, and account for everything. I am not the free spirit I used to be, and I need to desperately find that again. I need to stop walking on egg shells and doing everything to please everyone.
I cry myself to sleep with a cold cloth on my eyes to reduce the swelling so It’s not as visible the day after, making me even more ashamed if myself.
I have become this petty, needy, whiny, weak, fragile soul. I have never felt so low in my life.                  
The truth is that if it weren’t for my kids, I’d have nothing to smile about during the day. NOTHING at all.
So when night comes and they are asleep, my world crumbles repeatedly and violently, crashing down on me, as I have NOTHING.
Last year I gave myself permission to join a forum, and to talk about my problems. Even though no one had the answer, I talked, and they listened.
I gave myself permission to talk to people and make friends for life, and I talk to them often. I even have one that I talk to from the moment I wake up till we go to bed  <-------------( this jerk mentioned here spell checked this story and added that burrito comment, for those of you who read it, I truly apologize)
I gave myself permission to start reading again, and I pretty much devoured book after book. I was starved of knowledge, of dreaming and hoping and of feeling.
I gave myself permission to go shopping after the kids were in bed, even just for a lipstick on clearance or a scratch and win ticket.
I gave myself permission to watch TV, and to follow a show once a week, and watch entire reruns.
I gave myself permission to go to sleep early and to say "**** the laundry and the picking up toys and the trying to get some love from my dear prince charming".
I gave myself permission to lock the door in the bathroom no matter how much the kids kick and scream. I deserve a pee with out and audience.
I gave my self permission to wash my face first thing in the morning and slap on some mascara.
I write “flowers for $5.00 or less” on the grocery list for my husband.
On  Christmas I even dared to ask for jewelry instead of cookware, and I’m glad I did.
This year I will start going back to church, and by the summer I am hoping to find work. I will enroll the kids in school in September so that I can work full time.
Keeping them home for this long was wonderful, YES, but it broke the bank and destroyed my marriage by us being together 24/7,  7days a eek, with no breaks in between.
I will get on track with the bills and pay off my credit card.
I will save for a rainy day, and I will live a little better knowing that I can provide for my kids the way they deserve. I will take the load back, because H never really took the load off.  He just loaded himself with stress and ammunition for excuses to come. Damn, I never met anyone so prepared to shoot an excuse so fast.
I have written my goals for the year, and I intend to follow through step by step.
I usually talk myself out of doing anything because I overload myself with all the steps to achieve the final goal.
So instead of  “leaving my husband” which sounds impossible (and it’s not even bout that), for once it’s not about anyone else but me.
I have made a list to make things right, to be who I want to be, and not what life has turned me into.
***I am not doing this to get my husband to like me again.***
I am doing this because I don’t like me, and I don’t like what life has turned me into, and I don’t want my daughter or son to think this is what life is all about.
I have actually started to let them do everything they want (within limits) because I want them to be as happy as  they can, for as long as I can control it. I don’t know what their future holds, and I can’t say I was happiest when I was a child, but I want my kids to be.
No one has ever done anything to make me happy but myself, so why am I expecting it from others now, why would anyone take the time when I can’t or refuse to.
Once I am strong back on my feet I will heal,  I will be free to be happy, whatever that means…..
To be continued.

oceansun oceansun 36-40, F 41 Responses Jan 22, 2013

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<p>i just got out from under a refuser relationship, where we were together 24/7--- 365 for nearly 4 years....</p><p>it drove me nuts he sat in back of the den, so he even watched my every move as i watched TV !!!!</p>

Made me cry straight up karma coming your way for sure woman..,

Good karma I hope....

Wow, sounds like you really understand who you are and who you want to be. I hope you keep turning the pages of your life.

Loving your kids doesn't mean being with them 24/7. That's being a martyr. smothering your kids, and treating yourself badly. You need to build in time to nurture and love yourself. No one can be the best parent or person they can be if they are running on empty.


Surely,it may take quite a long time to change your life to a different and better one.But it worth making all the efforts to make it come true.It will be a nirvana.Keep the positive energy in your soul do not ever be beaten down by difficulties whatever they are.Wish you good luck.And stay strong.

Always. thank you

Yea you!


You HAVE to take care of yourself as much as you do the kids. You have to learn what is important and what is just more work you are creating for yourself. I feel the biggest problem with many marriages is that the spouses lose who THEY are. The sole focus becomes the kids, the bills, the job and they lose THEMSELVES. Then the kids grow up and no longer need all your attention and you are lost. The husband/wife you have ignored all these years has changed and your no longer on the same page. You have grown apart. My experience tells me that you have to have your own FREE time for YOU and you have to allow your husband some time for him. In between you take care of the kids and you make time for the spouse. This is a fragile balancing act that needs to be walked or your marriage is doomed. This is of course my opinion. I am not a doctor and I am not a bricklayer. Just a common guy who has learned some of lifes lessons the hard way. : )

Yes, but when he has no intentions of putting any US time in, then it is what it is I'm afraid.
Thanks Rob

I can tell you from experience it takes two to make a marriage. One can destroy it, but TWO are needed to keep it growing.

Wow, this is amazing. I am sorry you feel like you lost yourself & you don't like the person you became - I can sense (and empathize with) the pain you wrote out here. But the amazing thing is that you realized that you have the power to make it change. You are in the process of getting back to *you* and it will lead to incredible things.

Thank you, these things may seem small and silly, but they are important, I need to put me back on top of the what matter list.
I hope I don't fall off the wagon, feels like I have every thing working against me right now.

Yes. I completely feel am lot of what you are talking about!


I'm glad you are finding your way and I wish you become the happiness you seek.

I can somewhat understand. After 5 years of marriage, I convinced my wife to move to a small town and join my families business. It was a lodging business where we lived right at work and pretty much were involved in it 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We were always around each other. As you can imagine, the financial pressure and just the issue of always being around each other took it's toll. The work also took her away from many of the things that she loved to do in life. After 13 years in the biz we separated, now going on 2 years.
She lost much of who she was, what she loved, all to follow her husband. What I've learned is that it is important to focus on what you want to do in life, BUT, you must not lose sight of all that is going on around you.
It's too bad that your husband didn't recognize what you were going though or you were not able to talk about it with him. Maybe he could have sat-in for you a couple of times a week for you to do something or enjoy something. Even get a friend to come over a couple of nights a month to allow your husband and you to get away for a couple of hours...a date night.
You are are are are doing. Impressive.

This coming from a guy that lost sight of what was going on around him.

Sorry about your story.
Yes I would follow him to the end of the world, and he'd probably hate me for it.
I have lost who I am, he probably doesn't remember why he fell in love with me years ago, and neither do I.
All along I have been doing all the right things for him and the kids, and nothing changed, I figured what do I have to lose, maybe I'll try doing ME and no matter what, I will be better and come out on top.

Thanks for this. I had wanted my wife to quit work when our baby was born. I am glad she stood her ground, especially after reading this. It sounds to me like you are on the right track. And, WOW, you are an amazing woman and much stronger than you think.

Thank you so much, don't get me wrong, seeing my kids progress everyday, watching them play and learn and take in like sponges, is the best experience in the world. Had I gone to work, I would have missed out on a lot of things, yes everything else got sidetracked, but after all it was for my own kids.
It's never too late to get your life back, and rebuild relationships or make new ones. I hope you're right about my strength, my fingers are crossed as I challenge myself to do whats right every day.

You wrote; "I've learned that the” unconditional love” I thought I knew, was nothing until I had my kids; to love so much that it hurts, I can’t explain it." I love to see that I am not alone in feeling this way!: ). When I was pregnant with my son, my husband, who had two kids already (with his ex wife) said to me, "I am excited for you because when our baby is born, you will know what love is really about." My response was, "what do you mean? I know what love is, as I love you!" He went on to say that I will learn alot about love, and will understand when our Angel Baby is born. Our son is 11 years old now. I certainly understand what Hubby was trying to explain. I had no idea how little I knew about true, sincere, unconditional love. My son taught me this. I have always had a hard time putting into words how much I love my son. My love for him is so strong. I feel it physically as well as emotionally. I have always said that I love my Angel Boy so much it almost hurts

Yes, it's does hurt to love that hard, but it's the best feeling int he world.

Same as when we are so proud and happy just to be watching them play, that it makes you cry.

You are brave to share your struggles & making efforts to take action balancing your life. I did stay home w/ my 1st two kids & had a business working from home so i do remember what that was like, but my ex-husband lost his job which pushed me back to the work force to bring home a better pay check to support the family while he was sitting on his butt playing video games & collecting unemployment...... We can be easily pushed down that bitter road......time went by and at the end of the day I've learned whether we are single parent or as a team, we need to be healthy w/ mental, spirit & physical & well rounded & maintain balance mainly that's how we set examples for the well we manage life & cope w/ crises ......your story touched me & brings back some painful memories. I'll cheer you on & pray for your success & that you'll meet your goals & keep them


Thank you so much.


Well done! Remember these times without bitterness and know that the changes that you make for yourself are not selfish, they are necessary. I am a mom of adult children now and am working , happy Healthy ( not always the case) and will always be grateful for decisions, although hard at the time to prepare for my own future. My daughters admire me and aspire to be like me. My marriage is definitely better all these years later and it's because I took time for myself and recognised the need to change as you have.
I wish you lots of love and success.

Thank you my dear, they are necessary tough decisions we need to make if we want to raise kids the right way, away from dysfunction.
Best of luck to you as well

"I am doing this because I don’t like me, and I don’t like what life has turned me into, and I don’t want my daughter or son to think this is what life is all about."

this is the #1 reason in the world to change.

They are totally worth it.

Sunday 10 am, half awake with only 4 hours sleep, my 2 children and I were freezing, sitting in church waiting for mass, I can't believe I got this done.
It wasn't easy but I did it, and I look forward to doing it again, and hopefully volunteering too.
First thing on my "to do list"........check.
Oh and I have started working out and boxing stuff, want the house sold by summer.
Thank you all.

You had a lot of responses to your story - there are a lot of nice friends here on EP. I missed this reply of yours - I'm glad you made it to church with the kids. You're taking great steps to improve your life - keep it up!

There are a lot of good people here, we are lucky to have found each other that's for sure.

Same here! Thank you for posting!

So true to so many of us mothers. Good for you to strive for better for yourself. Good luck darling I hope it all works out for you.

I am in the same boat. thanx. I am "rediscovering" myself.

I hope we wont be dis appointed once we do LOL

tell me about it

Thanks for sharing... We have all been guilty of putting others needs in front of ours... I feel I lost myself in my marriage making sure I said the right things whether I believed in it or not, have dinner ready, do all chores expected of me all while working full time. Feels like the past 11 years of my life went by in a blink of an eye. Wishing you all the best as you rediscover yourself.

Yes, time has just flown by, no wonder they say kids grow up fast, I think every parent goes through this, they lose them selves for the kids the house their spouse, and it's ok to priorities, but it's not to put our selves so low down that list that we're pretty much off the list.
Good luck on your journey.

That was so hard for me too. I always put all their needs and happiness on my shoulders. I clean the house, pay the bills, mow the lawns and did nothing for myself.
I work part time now, I have a great relationship with my kids, I go to church and bible studies and am working on how I react to others.

Thanks so much for sharing.

I hope your life gets better hun.

Thank you. I have been through tougher battles and was hoping this would just pass too.

touched by this genuine heartfelt story....perhaps at some point every women feel that way cause she compromise so much for her family at the cost of "self".This is woman....she knows that this would come in later stages still she makes same choices....I do not find reasons....does that mean " emotions" overpower her "self worth"? don't know

I don't know what to say. :'(

Wow,thts nyc evryone deserves to b happy

I understand how you feel ,but can no longer claim to contribute financially( for the last few years )
What i do feel is , what happened to ME , when i had kids ? I love my kids , and my husband , but where did i go ?

Just start by doing one thing for you.
one thing at a time till you get your self esteem back and know your worth.
good luck.

Hi I am guy but i can understand your story well.
I became stay home dad looking after 2 children 2010.
I found i lost myself and have become stuck at home..
my life seems have been forgot .
Read my blog if you like .
hope life get better

Thank you I will read them.

A lot of it is being afraid of things and people being negative towards us when we mess up. your doing fine and don't need others approval :) its hard theirs just mean people out there

I like the way you started and ended your post - getting your life back, by turning the page and moving to the rest of the book. You've got a great attitude, and you're making things happen for yourself. You're a wonderful writer too, and I'm looking forward to reading your happy sequel!

Fingers crossed, thank you for your support.

Thank you for sharing your story! Even though I am not at the right age to give any advice, I hope that all of your goals this year will be achieved!!!

There is no age for that, as a matter of fact I consider my self very immature, so please go ahead.

Keep Smiling, It's Beautiful!

From what I read, it appears that you are fetting things under control with your life. My theropist advised me to take a holiday away from everyone and everything, and don't come back until you really don't care about going back. I did this, and it really helped. I found out that the world operate without me, others will make do for themselves. Perhaps you may consider doing this.

Yes, a friend of mine told me, you just turn it off and stop giving a ****.
Not sure if that's what I am doing, still hurts, but I am caring less and less each day.
As for going away, that is out of my reach, at least for the next 30 years.
thank yoy

This isn't about being in a sexless marriage anymore,
this isn't a marriage, as a matter of fact I don't know what this is.

Im 43 years old. Its been like 3 years my husband hasn't kissed me. I've gotten so use to it. I think we're just together for the sake of my grandson. That is the only thing we agree on his wellbeing. We have been through so much hardship with custody issues. My life just revolves around my grandson. My daughter who is 25 years old always tells me to go with her to get pamperd, I just don't have the energy or the exciment to leave the house. My 23 years old son always tells me that I look younger and some of his friends thought that I was his sister. Sometimes I feel like if my love ones woyld even notice if I disapear.

They would notice, I feel that same way sometimes.
But you need to start finding reasons to do things to do things,
and not the other way around, the kids, the grandson, how about YOU?
Do things for YOU for your sake.
whats next the great grand kids, when you going to brake this?
Not telling you to get a divorce or anything just telling you to live a little, or even a lot.
good luck

What you are doing is a necessary stage of growth in any long term relationship. You have reached a point where you realize, correctly, that it is time to differentiate yourself.

Over time, marriage and parenthood grinds away the things that make us unique and special - that make us interesting individuals in our own right. We give those things up to make room, and to prioritize areas of mutual endeavor, but if we lose who we are, it's important to note that our spouse also loses who we are.

If you choose a life that ensures you don't appear as anything more than a mother and a wife to yourself, then what is there for anyone else to seek in you? That tension that results from the chase, the pursuit, the mystery -- that results in heat, desire, passion.

Personal growth outward, for your own reasons - that's good for you, and while it is always unsettling in a marriage (is my partner growing away from me?) it's also the thing that can help to pull a slack connection tighter, as a side benefit.

You are right, and no matter how many times people told me to do this, and we all do it to new members here too, it's just has to happen with in.
Something clicked in my brain one night, after hours of crying in bed I finally told God, "fine I take it all back, I won't ask for anything ever again, I get it, I'm on my own", I asked my mom if this was it, is this Gods plan for me, she said NO.
I said if I fight it, then I'm not accepting my path and I'm an ungreatful child and God might give me a taste of how bad "BAD" can really be' and if I settle and take it then I'm a sheep, so how am I a free child, how am I suppose to do anything when in the back of my mind I have to fear Gods wrath.
The moment I questioned my faith and God and my life was the turning point, I realized that I really wasn't doing anything at all, I prayed and expected God to fix it for me, not changing anything myself.
I even blamed my mom for making us believe that taking **** from dad was ok, because he loves her in other ways. **** that, I'm done taking **** and I'm done pointing fingers, things happened and it's no ones fault "**** happens", but if I want things to change I have to change them, no one else.

For me, the point where I largely agree with Brother Baz's general tactical advice ("seek legal knowledge, understand your options, and cut bait") is that it's about "me" thinking rather than "we" thinking.

"Me" thinking can take many forms, and needn't jump straight to separation though. I think that is but one tactical example of Me thinking. Folks come here for years, without ever doing any Me thinking. Sometimes it requires a shift in perspective and something external to prompt them to want more, to grow.

For years, I looked to my wife for "the answer" - and for years she did her best to lay out her prescriptions and pre-reqs. Made it even worse as I jumped through every hoop. The only times I've gotten traction at all, were when I extended outward with new interests things that challenged her pat notions of who I am and who we are. Uncomfortable? You bet! Terrifying even, for both of us - and I don't yet know the outcome.

And yet, not knowing that outcome, I see that every time I put it all on the line and push back, showing and enjoying my own autonomy, I feel stronger and more attractive, and, it appears she clutches me closer.

Growth doesn't happen together. It's uncomfortable and frightening. It is spurred through one person striking new ground and taking a first step. Stagnancy results when partners hold still waiting, trading growth for the false assurances of permanency that you exchanged on your wedding day.

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Beautiful. I know where you coming from. I identify with your story. You just forgot to include you are superwoman; never get sick, you know the ansewr for everything and you have fairies that magically clean the entire house. I hope you write another story. Grandkids is another beautiful challenge that I'am at now.Thank you for your story

Yes LOL, I am the fairy, the washing machine, the one with the magic booboo kisses and so on.
Grand kids are a blessing and a treasure, make you lose sleep and feel all those emotions again.
God Bless


You are doing GREAT!!! I know you don't feel that way, but you are SO insightful and SO on the right track.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Giving kids leeway to make their own decisions (and mistakes) is a good idea; giving boundaries where necessary is also valuable, don't forget to do that too (i.e., they still have to follow SOME rules, rules that make sense, like safety etc).

Oh and this: "I can change diapers in the dark" I thought I was the only one LOL

i also learned to pee one handed while holding an infant in the other, was so often on my own at that stage in our lives. used to joke about all the things i could do with a baby on my hip--at the time thought it was cute.

in retrospect, it's an incredibly sad commentary on how much he avoided. much he lost out on.

Smithy, Amen. They are the ones losing out, I never understood why my mom keeps calling me a single mother, as I watch a movie alone at night with her on the other end of the phone.
Zsuz I hope I am on the right track, to look at the big picture is so painful and scary, but I don't want to stray away from this plan.
As long as I start it, this Saturday, as long as I go to church this Saturday, it will all have started officially.
Thanks for your support.

There is always mourning when there is death, and there is a death of a dream here, but there is I hope also the sense that you have done what you could, you have been a stay-at-home mom and given your ALL, JOB WELL DONE YOU, now if you put that effort into your next projects in life SURELY you will succeed!

So, this dream was not what you thought it would be. You haven't given up on life, you haven't receeded to the basement to sulk, you are in the thick of it, taking care of the little ones, taking care of yourself now too - very important - and working towards the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Sure it's hard. And you may still stray a little. And you may go down a few wrong alleys. But you ARE on the right path now... hang in there, this hard time will make you strong and ready for the next part.

Ms Oceansun, you have done what is most painful and what many people avoid - hold a mirror up to your soul and look into it long and hard at all of you. I've been there - it is a humbling and also wondrous place. You find parts of you which you thought long dead or forgotten and you can find a different kind of strength, malleable and nurturing for your soul and your heart. Just by daring to look inward, you are already changing, whatever unfolds as a consequence. Thank you for sharing this here. One life to live, live it with love, passion and intimacy. Be well.

Thank you Lao, it's was very hard, I questioned my faith, I stopped praying, I blamed everyone but me, and that didn't get me anywhere either.
If this doesn't work either, then I will truly be at loss.

well dang, now i wanna see the burrito comment!

good on you for drawing up a plan to reclaim yourself. i did that in '12 and am still in progress. it's amazing how far we change from our authentic selves in our quest to "make" our partners want/need/love/desire us.

please keep us posted on your self rediscovery journey. and hugs to you.

It was something random like "stuffing her burrito." LOL.I read it last night and it again. It was so out of place- I thought she had switched personalities for a second. haha (Sorry, oceansun!! LOL).

Anyway, I am glad you are taking some control of your life, Oceansun. :)

Thank you guys, Yes I settled in being a mom a little home maker thinking this is how it should be, and it would have been great had I not realized how isolated and lonely I became.
That ****** comment was "and hopefully one day I will become his senorita and he will over stuff my burrito" *******. LOL

I'm a big fan of this approach, and I am proud of you.
I've been turning up the gas lately, along the same line.

Thank you P.
I hope I don't fall off the wagon.

Looks like you are going to wean yourself off "we" thinking, and start out on a bit of "me" thinking.

If your marital dynamic is still pretty much as you have described it in the past, then I figure that you adopting a "me" position is the best of all possible things you could do.

If you do that, and make informed choices to that end, the only possible outcome longer term is you living a greatly enhanced life. Your marriage may or may not survive that process. Your "me" policy will either show that there is some "we" left in the union, or show you clearly that there's not.

Tread your own path.

I think in my heart, I know it wont go back to the way things were, ever!
I need to let that image go, of US and the way we were, cause we are not those people anymore.
I don't know what will happen, where this will lead me, but I wont be waiting around and pretending everything is fine.
Taking one step at a time.
Thanks Baz.

I hear you. Getting to the point that it's not about "us" (the relationship) anymore, it's about "me". <br />
<br />
Four kids, baking bread, crap wardrobe , my life.... I hear you.

You are right, I'm done talking and waiting and hoping and praying, I'm DOING.
*Sorry about the burrito comment by the way, my friend has a dirty sense of humor and I trusted him to spell check this and didn't read it before I posted it*

It WAS a little bit outta context, but I thought it was funny as hell. My mind spends a fair bit of time in the gutter too! Lol

He's in big trouble for that, what a turn, I can't believe I trusted him LOL
anyways sorry.

Thank you so much, I don't know why I give my self 'permission", I don't know why I even stopped doing all those things in the first place.
But it doesn't matter what I did anymore, it matter what I do from now on.
Thanks again

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