Trying To Make Things Right In My Life.Getting my life back
Years of being home with children, hidden from the rest of the world and unemployed have changed who I am, for better and worse.
I have become a loving mother of two. I've learned that the” unconditional love” I thought I knew, was nothing until I had my kids; to love so much that it hurts, I can’t explain it. I've learned to multitask beyond my wildest dreams. I can change diapers in the dark, and get stains out of anything. I can sew, adjust, and take in any garment.
I can buy groceries and price match saving hundreds of dollars. I can cook a decent meal out of anything, while baking and keeping the kids busy. I can clean the entire house in one hour, and I can go on with only four hours of sleep a night for years.
And this summer I even built my shed, yes I did it!!!! Thank you
I have neither the time nor the interest to do anything for ME, to draw or paint, to meet a friend for coffee, to do any socializing at all. Actually, I dread it.
If a meeting or a dinner doesn’t have a purpose, then I shouldn‘t do it just for me.
The only time I go out is to go to work once or twice a month, and that’s only for the purpose of making money. I can admit it now and without guilt though; it’s a nice break from the kids.
I am not the strong independent bread winner I used to be.
I don’t see myself as attractive, but then I really never did. Now with the baby weight though, it’s even worse.
I have to ask for everything, and account for everything. I am not the free spirit I used to be, and I need to desperately find that again. I need to stop walking on egg shells and doing everything to please everyone.
I cry myself to sleep with a cold cloth on my eyes to reduce the swelling so It’s not as visible the day after, making me even more ashamed if myself.
I have become this petty, needy, whiny, weak, fragile soul. I have never felt so low in my life.
The truth is that if it weren’t for my kids, I’d have nothing to smile about during the day. NOTHING at all.
So when night comes and they are asleep, my world crumbles repeatedly and violently, crashing down on me, as I have NOTHING.
Last year I gave myself permission to join a forum, and to talk about my problems. Even though no one had the answer, I talked, and they listened.
I gave myself permission to talk to people and make friends for life, and I talk to them often. I even have one that I talk to from the moment I wake up till we go to bed <-------------( this jerk mentioned here spell checked this story and added that burrito comment, for those of you who read it, I truly apologize)
I gave myself permission to start reading again, and I pretty much devoured book after book. I was starved of knowledge, of dreaming and hoping and of feeling.
I gave myself permission to go shopping after the kids were in bed, even just for a lipstick on clearance or a scratch and win ticket.
I gave myself permission to watch TV, and to follow a show once a week, and watch entire reruns.
I gave myself permission to go to sleep early and to say "**** the laundry and the picking up toys and the trying to get some love from my dear prince charming".
I gave myself permission to lock the door in the bathroom no matter how much the kids kick and scream. I deserve a pee with out and audience.
I gave my self permission to wash my face first thing in the morning and slap on some mascara.
I write “flowers for $5.00 or less” on the grocery list for my husband.
On Christmas I even dared to ask for jewelry instead of cookware, and I’m glad I did.
This year I will start going back to church, and by the summer I am hoping to find work. I will enroll the kids in school in September so that I can work full time.
Keeping them home for this long was wonderful, YES, but it broke the bank and destroyed my marriage by us being together 24/7, 7days a eek, with no breaks in between.
I will get on track with the bills and pay off my credit card.
I will save for a rainy day, and I will live a little better knowing that I can provide for my kids the way they deserve. I will take the load back, because H never really took the load off. He just loaded himself with stress and ammunition for excuses to come. Damn, I never met anyone so prepared to shoot an excuse so fast.
I have written my goals for the year, and I intend to follow through step by step.
I usually talk myself out of doing anything because I overload myself with all the steps to achieve the final goal.
So instead of “leaving my husband” which sounds impossible (and it’s not even bout that), for once it’s not about anyone else but me.
I have made a list to make things right, to be who I want to be, and not what life has turned me into.
***I am not doing this to get my husband to like me again.***
I am doing this because I don’t like me, and I don’t like what life has turned me into, and I don’t want my daughter or son to think this is what life is all about.
I have actually started to let them do everything they want (within limits) because I want them to be as happy as they can, for as long as I can control it. I don’t know what their future holds, and I can’t say I was happiest when I was a child, but I want my kids to be.
No one has ever done anything to make me happy but myself, so why am I expecting it from others now, why would anyone take the time when I can’t or refuse to.
Once I am strong back on my feet I will heal, I will be free to be happy, whatever that means…..
To be continued.
oceansun 31-35 41 Responses 22 Jan 22, 2013