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Trying To Make Things Right In My Life.

Getting my life back

Years of being home with children, hidden from the rest of the world and unemployed have changed who I am, for better and worse.
The better:
I have become a loving mother of two. I've learned that the” unconditional love” I thought I knew, was nothing until I had my kids; to love so much that it hurts, I can’t explain it. I've learned to multitask beyond my wildest dreams. I can change diapers in the dark, and get stains out of anything. I can sew, adjust, and take in any garment.
I can buy groceries and price match saving hundreds of dollars. I can cook a decent meal out of anything, while baking and keeping the kids busy. I can clean the entire house in one hour, and I can go on with only four hours of sleep a night for years.
And this summer I even built my shed, yes I did it!!!! Thank you
 
The worse:
I have neither the time nor the interest to do anything for ME, to draw or paint, to meet a friend for coffee, to do any socializing at all. Actually, I dread it.
If a meeting or a dinner doesn’t have a purpose, then I shouldn‘t do it just for me.
The only time I go out is to go to work once or twice a month, and that’s only for the purpose of making money. I can admit it now and without guilt though; it’s a nice break from the kids.
I am not the strong independent bread winner I used to be.
I don’t see myself as attractive, but then I really never did. Now with the baby weight though, it’s even worse.
I have to ask for everything, and account for everything. I am not the free spirit I used to be, and I need to desperately find that again. I need to stop walking on egg shells and doing everything to please everyone.
I cry myself to sleep with a cold cloth on my eyes to reduce the swelling so It’s not as visible the day after, making me even more ashamed if myself.
I have become this petty, needy, whiny, weak, fragile soul. I have never felt so low in my life.                  
The truth is that if it weren’t for my kids, I’d have nothing to smile about during the day. NOTHING at all.
So when night comes and they are asleep, my world crumbles repeatedly and violently, crashing down on me, as I have NOTHING.
 
 
Last year I gave myself permission to join a forum, and to talk about my problems. Even though no one had the answer, I talked, and they listened.
I gave myself permission to talk to people and make friends for life, and I talk to them often. I even have one that I talk to from the moment I wake up till we go to bed  <-------------( this jerk mentioned here spell checked this story and added that burrito comment, for those of you who read it, I truly apologize)
I gave myself permission to start reading again, and I pretty much devoured book after book. I was starved of knowledge, of dreaming and hoping and of feeling.
I gave myself permission to go shopping after the kids were in bed, even just for a lipstick on clearance or a scratch and win ticket.
I gave myself permission to watch TV, and to follow a show once a week, and watch entire reruns.
I gave myself permission to go to sleep early and to say "**** the laundry and the picking up toys and the trying to get some love from my dear prince charming".
I gave myself permission to lock the door in the bathroom no matter how much the kids kick and scream. I deserve a pee with out and audience.
I gave my self permission to wash my face first thing in the morning and slap on some mascara.
I write “flowers for $5.00 or less” on the grocery list for my husband.
On  Christmas I even dared to ask for jewelry instead of cookware, and I’m glad I did.
 
This year I will start going back to church, and by the summer I am hoping to find work. I will enroll the kids in school in September so that I can work full time.
Keeping them home for this long was wonderful, YES, but it broke the bank and destroyed my marriage by us being together 24/7,  7days a eek, with no breaks in between.
I will get on track with the bills and pay off my credit card.
I will save for a rainy day, and I will live a little better knowing that I can provide for my kids the way they deserve. I will take the load back, because H never really took the load off.  He just loaded himself with stress and ammunition for excuses to come. Damn, I never met anyone so prepared to shoot an excuse so fast.
I have written my goals for the year, and I intend to follow through step by step.
I usually talk myself out of doing anything because I overload myself with all the steps to achieve the final goal.
So instead of  “leaving my husband” which sounds impossible (and it’s not even bout that), for once it’s not about anyone else but me.
I have made a list to make things right, to be who I want to be, and not what life has turned me into.
 
***I am not doing this to get my husband to like me again.***
I am doing this because I don’t like me, and I don’t like what life has turned me into, and I don’t want my daughter or son to think this is what life is all about.
I have actually started to let them do everything they want (within limits) because I want them to be as happy as  they can, for as long as I can control it. I don’t know what their future holds, and I can’t say I was happiest when I was a child, but I want my kids to be.
No one has ever done anything to make me happy but myself, so why am I expecting it from others now, why would anyone take the time when I can’t or refuse to.
Once I am strong back on my feet I will heal,  I will be free to be happy, whatever that means…..
 
 
 
To be continued.

oceansun oceansun 31-35 43 Responses Jan 22, 2013

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<p>i just got out from under a refuser relationship, where we were together 24/7--- 365 for nearly 4 years....</p><p>it drove me nuts he sat in back of the den, so he even watched my every move as i watched TV !!!!</p>

Made me cry straight up karma coming your way for sure woman..,

Good karma I hope....

good for you,,,,

Wow, sounds like you really understand who you are and who you want to be. I hope you keep turning the pages of your life.

Loving your kids doesn't mean being with them 24/7. That's being a martyr. smothering your kids, and treating yourself badly. You need to build in time to nurture and love yourself. No one can be the best parent or person they can be if they are running on empty.

agreed

Surely,it may take quite a long time to change your life to a different and better one.But it worth making all the efforts to make it come true.It will be a nirvana.Keep the positive energy in your soul do not ever be beaten down by difficulties whatever they are.Wish you good luck.And stay strong.

Always. thank you

Yea you!

What?

I understand your feelings. You posted on one of my anonymous stories. Sounds like we are in the same boat. I feel like I am living a double life, because none of my friends or coworkers know there is a problem. I do not let the lines get crossed. Perfect family in public, crumbling behind closed doors. The one friend who knows, has the answer of just leave, but doesn't take into account the feelings of my children and the strain of financial freedom.

Be strong.
we'll figure it out somehow.

You HAVE to take care of yourself as much as you do the kids. You have to learn what is important and what is just more work you are creating for yourself. I feel the biggest problem with many marriages is that the spouses lose who THEY are. The sole focus becomes the kids, the bills, the job and they lose THEMSELVES. Then the kids grow up and no longer need all your attention and you are lost. The husband/wife you have ignored all these years has changed and your no longer on the same page. You have grown apart. My experience tells me that you have to have your own FREE time for YOU and you have to allow your husband some time for him. In between you take care of the kids and you make time for the spouse. This is a fragile balancing act that needs to be walked or your marriage is doomed. This is of course my opinion. I am not a doctor and I am not a bricklayer. Just a common guy who has learned some of lifes lessons the hard way. : )

Yes, but when he has no intentions of putting any US time in, then it is what it is I'm afraid.
Thanks Rob

I can tell you from experience it takes two to make a marriage. One can destroy it, but TWO are needed to keep it growing.

Wow, this is amazing. I am sorry you feel like you lost yourself &amp; you don't like the person you became - I can sense (and empathize with) the pain you wrote out here. But the amazing thing is that you realized that you have the power to make it change. You are in the process of getting back to *you* and it will lead to incredible things.

Thank you, these things may seem small and silly, but they are important, I need to put me back on top of the what matter list.
I hope I don't fall off the wagon, feels like I have every thing working against me right now.

Yes. I completely feel am lot of what you are talking about!

Wow.

I'm glad you are finding your way and I wish you become the happiness you seek.

I can somewhat understand. After 5 years of marriage, I convinced my wife to move to a small town and join my families business. It was a lodging business where we lived right at work and pretty much were involved in it 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We were always around each other. As you can imagine, the financial pressure and just the issue of always being around each other took it's toll. The work also took her away from many of the things that she loved to do in life. After 13 years in the biz we separated, now going on 2 years.
She lost much of who she was, what she loved, all to follow her husband. What I've learned is that it is important to focus on what you want to do in life, BUT, you must not lose sight of all that is going on around you.
It's too bad that your husband didn't recognize what you were going though or you were not able to talk about it with him. Maybe he could have sat-in for you a couple of times a week for you to do something or enjoy something. Even get a friend to come over a couple of nights a month to allow your husband and you to get away for a couple of hours...a date night.
You are strong...you are aware...you are willing...you are doing. Impressive.

This coming from a guy that lost sight of what was going on around him.

Sorry about your story.
Yes I would follow him to the end of the world, and he'd probably hate me for it.
I have lost who I am, he probably doesn't remember why he fell in love with me years ago, and neither do I.
All along I have been doing all the right things for him and the kids, and nothing changed, I figured what do I have to lose, maybe I'll try doing ME and no matter what, I will be better and come out on top.

Thanks for this. I had wanted my wife to quit work when our baby was born. I am glad she stood her ground, especially after reading this. It sounds to me like you are on the right track. And, WOW, you are an amazing woman and much stronger than you think.

Thank you so much, don't get me wrong, seeing my kids progress everyday, watching them play and learn and take in like sponges, is the best experience in the world. Had I gone to work, I would have missed out on a lot of things, yes everything else got sidetracked, but after all it was for my own kids.
It's never too late to get your life back, and rebuild relationships or make new ones. I hope you're right about my strength, my fingers are crossed as I challenge myself to do whats right every day.

You wrote; "I've learned that the” unconditional love” I thought I knew, was nothing until I had my kids; to love so much that it hurts, I can’t explain it." I love to see that I am not alone in feeling this way!: ). When I was pregnant with my son, my husband, who had two kids already (with his ex wife) said to me, "I am excited for you because when our baby is born, you will know what love is really about." My response was, "what do you mean? I know what love is, as I love you!" He went on to say that I will learn alot about love, and will understand when our Angel Baby is born. Our son is 11 years old now. I certainly understand what Hubby was trying to explain. I had no idea how little I knew about true, sincere, unconditional love. My son taught me this. I have always had a hard time putting into words how much I love my son. My love for him is so strong. I feel it physically as well as emotionally. I have always said that I love my Angel Boy so much it almost hurts

Yes, it's does hurt to love that hard, but it's the best feeling int he world.

Same as when we are so proud and happy just to be watching them play, that it makes you cry.

You are brave to share your struggles &amp; making efforts to take action balancing your life. I did stay home w/ my 1st two kids &amp; had a business working from home so i do remember what that was like, but my ex-husband lost his job which pushed me back to the work force to bring home a better pay check to support the family while he was sitting on his butt playing video games &amp; collecting unemployment...... We can be easily pushed down that bitter road......time went by and at the end of the day I've learned whether we are single parent or as a team, we need to be healthy w/ mental, spirit &amp; physical &amp; well rounded &amp; maintain balance mainly that's how we set examples for the kids....how well we manage life &amp; cope w/ crises ......your story touched me &amp; brings back some painful memories. I'll cheer you on &amp; pray for your success &amp; that you'll meet your goals &amp; keep them

Best!

Thank you so much.

Hi

Well done! Remember these times without bitterness and know that the changes that you make for yourself are not selfish, they are necessary. I am a mom of adult children now and am working , happy Healthy ( not always the case) and will always be grateful for decisions, although hard at the time to prepare for my own future. My daughters admire me and aspire to be like me. My marriage is definitely better all these years later and it's because I took time for myself and recognised the need to change as you have.
I wish you lots of love and success.

Thank you my dear, they are necessary tough decisions we need to make if we want to raise kids the right way, away from dysfunction.
Best of luck to you as well

"I am doing this because I don’t like me, and I don’t like what life has turned me into, and I don’t want my daughter or son to think this is what life is all about."

this is the #1 reason in the world to change.

They are totally worth it.

Sunday 10 am, half awake with only 4 hours sleep, my 2 children and I were freezing, sitting in church waiting for mass, I can't believe I got this done.
It wasn't easy but I did it, and I look forward to doing it again, and hopefully volunteering too.
First thing on my "to do list"........check.
Oh and I have started working out and boxing stuff, want the house sold by summer.
Thank you all.

You had a lot of responses to your story - there are a lot of nice friends here on EP. I missed this reply of yours - I'm glad you made it to church with the kids. You're taking great steps to improve your life - keep it up!

There are a lot of good people here, we are lucky to have found each other that's for sure.

Same here! Thank you for posting!

So true to so many of us mothers. Good for you to strive for better for yourself. Good luck darling I hope it all works out for you.

I am in the same boat. thanx. I am "rediscovering" myself.

I hope we wont be dis appointed once we do LOL

tell me about it

Thanks for sharing... We have all been guilty of putting others needs in front of ours... I feel I lost myself in my marriage making sure I said the right things whether I believed in it or not, have dinner ready, do all chores expected of me all while working full time. Feels like the past 11 years of my life went by in a blink of an eye. Wishing you all the best as you rediscover yourself.

Yes, time has just flown by, no wonder they say kids grow up fast, I think every parent goes through this, they lose them selves for the kids the house their spouse, and it's ok to priorities, but it's not to put our selves so low down that list that we're pretty much off the list.
Good luck on your journey.

That was so hard for me too. I always put all their needs and happiness on my shoulders. I clean the house, pay the bills, mow the lawns and did nothing for myself.
I work part time now, I have a great relationship with my kids, I go to church and bible studies and am working on how I react to others.

Thanks so much for sharing.

I hope your life gets better hun.

Thank you. I have been through tougher battles and was hoping this would just pass too.

touched by this genuine heartfelt story....perhaps at some point every women feel that way cause she compromise so much for her family at the cost of "self".This is woman....she knows that this would come in later stages still she makes same choices....I do not find reasons....does that mean " emotions" overpower her "self worth"? don't know

I don't know what to say. :'(

Wow,thts nyc evryone deserves to b happy

I understand how you feel ,but can no longer claim to contribute financially( for the last few years )
What i do feel is , what happened to ME , when i had kids ? I love my kids , and my husband , but where did i go ?

Just start by doing one thing for you.
one thing at a time till you get your self esteem back and know your worth.
good luck.

Hi I am guy but i can understand your story well.
I became stay home dad looking after 2 children 2010.
I found i lost myself and have become stuck at home..
my life seems have been forgot .
Read my blog if you like .
hope life get better
phil

Thank you I will read them.