Husband stopped initiating sex and being sexual with me over the past year, he first tried to blame it on his age (37) saying he is getting older, umm (37) Im gonna have to throw down a bullshit card on that one. Which I did successfully when I caught him looking at **** with a visible hard on in the office. So ok its not that you dont want sex its just that you dont want to come after it from me. I initiate sex and he will say to me "see if you just keep doing that we wont have a problem" WTF? He gets angry and evasive when I try to talk with him about it. I ask him direct questions and he tells me Im trying to tell him how he feels. What reality is he living in? Im asking him how he feels, and he is telling me he doesnt know!? Is that even possible? The only real thing he told me was that he feels like its fake if we talk about it. I told him living like nothing is wrong and ignoring the problem feels fake to me. Like the world has no color. Black and white, no passion, just two roomates talking about nothing that ever matters.
This Sucks
screaming1 screaming1
36-40, F
9 Responses Jan 23, 2013

His reaction was the same as my husband's when I complained 10 years ago when he stopped initiating. Then, after children, I had to beg and it took me a while to realize that I was begging for sex that made me feel like a prostitute. I had caught him with **** by then as well. Anyway, it didn't get any better and he'd never talk about it, only argue and defend himself. Wish I had left earlier and still plan to do so. I knew 10 years ago that there was something seriously wrong - I just wasnt strong enough to go. I hope you are strong.

I think you mentioned he does respond when you initiate, but you are frustrated that he seems not to be initiator any longer. Men do go through changes, I am 46 (M) and my experience is similar to yours, well actually the opposite (wife had lower libido than me).

I tried **** but it only made my problem worse. It is not the same thing as being with your wife and only tended to make me more frustrated. She tried to communicate and ask my feelings. Men often have feelings they don't understand and cannot put into words. We don't tend to self-examine in general.

My wife and I took some advice and it seemed to really work for us. I have a very high drive compared to her. She committed to making love every day and multiple times on weekends for 14 days. This was a dream come true for me and it changed our relationship. She began to enjoy as part of her day. Going from a paltry one time per week on Friday night with a please get it over with because I am tired attitude from my wife was desperately needed.

This was several years ago. We don't make love every day, but the frequency & quality is so much better and we both initiate. We talk much more about intimacy.

Maybe try giving this a shot. Even if you have to initiate every time, make love with him daily. Share your self with him (bodily) and see if it helps. Don't talk about it, just make it intimate physically. Don't ask what he thinks, what he is feeling. He may begin to volunteer things on his own.

This may not work. Everyone and situation is different. Good luck!

hes a ******* gay....thats all I can say...Its not the haircut,its not the age...the only thing that is happening to him is that he realize that he was a gay...believe it or not but its true...peace...

You are not alone .... It's not your fault!!! I know all too well what you are going thru ;)

When I was your age (about 10 years ago now) I started to go through the same thing with my husband -- there is alot of love between us but no lovemaking. It didnt end over night but it eventually ended completely almost 2 yrs ago ......he didnt have an answer either ....last October my sweet love was diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer ...... well I guess we have the answer now (these cancers control alot of hormones and thus libido). He passed away less than two months after diagnosis and Im told that he probably had this cancer for at least 10 years. I miss him terribly and that loneliness is what brought me to this site. 10 years ..... can you imagine.... the only symptoms for this deadly killer are general back pain, fatigue and of course reduced libido. I would give anything to have him here with me .....there are some arguments that I need to apologize for.....even if we could only live like room mates .........I would never complain again

You have to let go of your guilt. You could not have known what was wrong- least of all because, I assume, you are not medically trained. Take care.

I'd invite you to search for the story "We, or Me" and have a read of it, and a think about it.

Tread your own path.

I ask you this. What have you changed? Was it a new haircut? Did you stop smoking? Have you gained weight? Did you have children and you have forgotten about him and his needs? Are there money problems? Are you married a long time? There is always a reason. The problems mostly come from you. (sorry)

Some people here were looking for a reason for several decades...

... and posting drivel it would seem.

Im sorry but thats the most idiotic think anyone could say.

Referring to swmp321 message

1 More Response

Need some help,screaming.

completely understand what you are going thru on my end it is the wife that refuses. After yrs of rejection I took things into my own hands and decided to llok elsewhere. There is NO greater feeling in the world than that of feeling wanted!!! I do feel your pain trust me!! best of luck