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I Live In a Sexless Marriage

What's Left To Lose?

By: dalonna
Written on January 23rd, 2013
As the wife in a SM - and how do we define that anyway? For me it has been 4.5 years without even an overture on his part - then before that it went 6 years. I digress. As the wife in a SM I often wonder about all of the things I've heard: "He must have someone else - men can't really turn off their sex drive " (I don't believe that) or "He must be gay"
Yes, things change over the years. We have had health issues I gained some weight - then lost it, he gained a lot of weight and I suspect he has low testosterone but he hates needles and refuses to see a doctor. So the weeks become months and the years go by.

He won't discuss the issue. I've asked, tempted, suggested, etc. He just won't talk about it and we sleep on different shifts - I go to the couch when he falls asleep because his snoring is bad - and he flails a lot and has very big arms, so I've had a few shiners.

I used to feel ugly and desperate, and damaged. Maybe I am damaged, but I don't feel believe I'm ugly or unlovable. He says of course he loves me...he might even smile and the offer to make me some tea. He's smart and funny and we used to have so much. It's hard, I don't want anyone else. But when no sex becomes no hugs, then no touching, then no interaction or connection - well I just don't know what more there is to lose.
By: dalonna
Age: 46-50 , Female
388 people have read this story

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9 responses
  • ulae
    ulae

    What's left to lose? A lot, unfortunately. Whether you stay or go.

    Jan 26
    1 like
  • girlfromthegreatwhitenorth
    girlfromthegreatwhitenorth

    I'm new here ... maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture yet, but a lack of libido in an otherwise loving relationship, especially if the partner who is not giving wants to, but " ..doesn't know why.." ,could be a medical or perhaps mental health issue What happened to ....in sickness and in health..? Why are we so quick with ME when we are busily talking about WE. Its not always about what I WANT but rather what WE need

    Jan 24
    1 like
    • bazzar
      bazzar

      I can see that your experience on this group can be counted in hours only at this point, having just joined gftgwn.
      I'd suggest you read extensively here, over some days.
      You might then choose to return to this thread, and give us your impressions then.

      Jan 24
      1 like
    • dalonna
      dalonna

      Trust me, I am the least "ME" person you will ever meet. To my own detriment, I have always placed others first. Coming to a place where I realize that not only is it not healthy for ME, but not good for the others around me, has been difficult.

      So yes, it isn't always about what *I* want ...but on occasion *we* need to at least take a look at the fact that what *I* want might be important.

      Jan 24
      1 like
  • bazzar
    bazzar

    Are you essentially saying - "everything is great bar the sex" ???

    That's a really good place to start challenging your thinking.

    Is sex the ONLY area in your life where he has acted on an agenda of what is good for "me" (him) ? Or is far more entrenched behaviour, spilling into any aspect of the relationship that nominally involves a "we" (joint choice) ?

    See, in many many many stories that appear on these pages, it transpires that there is no "we", only "me" (him).

    A read of the story "We, or Me" might have some value for you.

    Tread your own path.

    Jan 24
    2 likes
    • dalonna
      dalonna

      Hmmm...that's an interesting question. I can see where what started as a refusal to have sex in any form, has become a situation where I feel quite emotionally separated and that it feels like he is completely disconnected from what goes on in my life and our household. Maybe it's timing - I am undergoing a type of chemo for a non-cancerous issue - after round 1 this week I came home and he barely looked up. Laying on the floor of thebathroom sick as a dog listening to him snore through the night was probably not the highlight of my marriage.

      Thanks for the thought provoking reply. I will check out the story you mentioned.

      Jan 24
      1 like
    • bazzar
      bazzar

      After that, a read of "How Was The Policy Made" might be agood follow up read for you Sister d.

      Jan 24
      1 like
  • mvcmvc
    mvcmvc

    -----" well I just don't know what more there is to lose. "

    There is no WE in this dynamic.

    But there is a ME. And that, dalonna - is a LOT to lose and the far more important loss than the current non existant WE.

    Figure out how to get her back.

    Jan 23
    2 likes
  • zsuzsilowinger
    zsuzsilowinger

    About half of the 30,000+ members in ILIASM are women going through the same thing you are going through.

    Please stick around and read maybe 100, or 200 stories. Then you will have a better idea of your next steps.

    You are right, there comes a time when there's nothing left to lose. If only friendship - or not even that - remains, are you not better off on your own, where there is the possibility of future relationships?

    Jan 23
    2 likes