Wow HeartbrokenI have been married for 23 years and we have always had a diificult sex life. Initally he used to say that I just had a higher sex drive then him. Then it was he was too stressed or I was too bitchy. At one point he just flat out said he wasnt attracted to me! At the time I was 28 years old and slender, gorgeous complete with breast implants.
I spent 20 years hoping, waiting trying, willing to do anything. I welcomed hardcore *********** into our bedroom to facilitate him having sex with me instead of himself. I was always willing anytime he wanted to and I became a master in the art of a blow job. Anything to make myself a desirable partner.
Of course he doesn't recognize that a person's brain is their sex organ, not their genitals. At fifty I remain fit and attractive but the sex has dwinded down to next to nothing- it would take a month for him to work up enough interest to have sex with me. (while watching ****) And then often he wouldnt be able to ******, it was more or less an obligation/mercy ****. Needless to say wouldI feel awful after, unloved, unattractive and pathetic, like a dog on someones leg.
When I self pleasure and he happens upon me he will sometimes offer to "help" me- What?????????????
He is addicted to *********** and prefers that to the real thing. Over the years,during one of the many heartwrencing marital/sex crisis sessions he addmitted to ************ multiple times a day to online prornography. He also believes sex is for the young and beautiful. He is all about the physical. He has also had a physical affair as well as inappropiate social media contact. He returned home from a trip with an abrasion on his penis (THAT I FELT WITH MY TONGUE) that was apparently from his jeans abraiding his penis while having two lap dances in a ***** club.
I decided that I would no longer ask for sex or let him "help" me when I self pleasure. So now we have no sexual contact. I really didnt know what or how he was going to react to this. Much to my horror he is DELIGHTED now that sex is non-exsistent in our marriage. He has never been more pleasant or affectionate toward me.
The part I struggle with is acceptance. To let go of hope is so hard....it was hope that kept me going all these years.
I feel so sad and heartbroken. Intellectually I know that this isnt about me , or my body but it still cuts me to my core, this rejection.
I do see a conseller who is well aware of our problems and when I told him that my husband is delighted now that we dont have sex he said "yes this is the relationship he has always wanted with you" So very hard to hear and accept. Just writing this makes me sob.
I intend to stay in our marriage for three more years until our kids are done high school.
Apart from the issues around sex he is wonderful, smart sucessful funny.
Why can't I accept a sexless marriage? Many people do and are fine. Why arent I? I just dont know how to help myself...