Wow Heartbroken

I have been married for 23 years and we have always had a diificult sex life. Initally he used to say that I just had a higher sex drive then him. Then it was he was too stressed or I was too bitchy. At one point he just flat out said he wasnt attracted to me! At the time I was 28 years old and slender, gorgeous complete with breast implants.

I spent 20 years hoping, waiting trying, willing to do anything. I welcomed hardcore *********** into our bedroom to facilitate him having sex with me instead of himself. I was always willing anytime he wanted to and I became a master in the art of a blow job. Anything to make myself a desirable partner.

Of course he doesn't recognize that a person's brain is their sex organ, not their genitals. At fifty I remain fit and attractive but the sex has dwinded down to next to nothing- it would take a month for him to work up enough interest to have sex with me. (while watching ****) And then often he wouldnt be able to ******, it was more or less an obligation/mercy ****. Needless to say wouldI feel awful after, unloved, unattractive and pathetic, like a dog on someones leg.

When I self pleasure and he happens upon me he will sometimes offer to "help" me- What?????????????

He is addicted to *********** and prefers that to the real thing. Over the years,during one of the many heartwrencing marital/sex crisis sessions he addmitted to ************ multiple times a day to online prornography. He also believes sex is for the young and beautiful. He is all about the physical. He has also had a physical affair as well as inappropiate social media contact. He returned home from a trip with an abrasion on his penis (THAT I FELT WITH MY TONGUE) that was apparently from his jeans abraiding his penis while having two lap dances in a ***** club.

I decided that I would no longer ask for sex or let him "help" me when I self pleasure. So now we have no sexual contact. I really didnt know what or how he was going to react to this. Much to my horror he is DELIGHTED now that sex is non-exsistent in our marriage. He has never been more pleasant or affectionate toward me.

The part I struggle with is acceptance. To let go of hope is so was hope that kept me going all these years.

I feel so sad and heartbroken. Intellectually I know that this isnt about me , or my body but it still cuts me to my core, this rejection.
I do see a conseller who is well aware of our problems and when I told him that my husband is delighted now that we dont have sex he said "yes this is the relationship he has always wanted with you" So very hard to hear and accept. Just writing this makes me sob.

I intend to stay in our marriage for three more years until our kids are done high school.
Apart from the issues around sex he is wonderful, smart sucessful funny.

Why can't I accept a sexless marriage? Many people do and are fine. Why arent I? I just dont know how to help myself...
sunnysaskatoon sunnysaskatoon
11 Responses Jan 24, 2013

I have no affinity to your story but this cut me deep and I shed a tear. The strength required to continuously put an enormous amount of effort in for very little back is astounding. You are clearly strong and tenacious. You will find happiness, I doubt that will be with your husband though. <br />
<br />
Read widely here. Not many accept their SM. There are a multitude of approaches on resolution and people at various stages but it all boils down to the 3 stark choices we all have:<br />
1. Stay and fix<br />
2. Outsource <br />
3. Leave<br />
<br />
There is pain and hurt in all these. Option 1 is what you've done for decades so you're well versed in that particular dance. Good luck.

Thank you, you're very kind. Not to mention succient and to the point. Love the "outsource" phrase made me laugh!I

have started taking baby steps toward building a life that is about me, not about him.

What I really need to deal with is the shame/humiliation I feel over the whole situation...Thanks for your insight. Sunny.

Your marriage is very dysfunctional and the lengths you have gone to make it functional may make you feel ashamed. I don't see it it that way though... It demonstrates you're willing to give it all you've got to get a result. Now if you can focus that drive onto YOU then those baby steps will take you somewhere more positive and less toxic.

and Sunny, hope is what kept me there for years. if i paid attention to reality, i would have left earlier. i do feel better now. it's not easy, and i am sad and lonely some of the time, but i can create my reality now, where before i was choosing to be treated in a way that hurt.

i am sorry Sunny. nice you have that name, it's cheerful. similar situation, but i've decided not to wait. i had my husband move out last June. we have two teens. we haven't started the divorce yet, but we in most ways, haven't been married for years. i want the children to see their Mom happy, and not not settling/accepting less than is right. if they came to me as married adults explaining this as their marital state, i would advise and encourage them and help them to leave. if i don't wish it for them, it isn't good enough for me...married 20 years, many sexless...

Aw your'e sweet. Thanks for your message.I know its not something I would want for any of my children.. but so again so why is okay for me? For me there is an element of shame get a divorce because your husband wont have sex with you-I mean really I'm 50 now -should sex matter that much? I feel like our marriage is scham/farce. But I'm so weak and damaged that I don't think I can leave until the our youngest finishes high school(3 years)...

we have some similarities. regarding being 50 and leaving your marriage because there's no sex - i've had no sex for YEARS and i'm glad i'm on my own now instead of later! yes, it does matter to me, i am so looking forward to getting into a relationship (tho i'm not now). i also didn't want to leave the marriage and the kids leave at the same time, i want to start getting strong and healthy now. i toyed with the college plan for years...then made it the elementary school plan - that is my youngest finished elementary school.

(My apologies as I am new to the site. I'm not sure I posted in the correct spot. )

I totally understand all that you are feeling. I too am in a pathetic situation. So sad and frustrating and embarrassing.
I am 48 yrs old and have been married 24 years. I have never been crazy-attracted to him but I told myself he was a good man and he loved me and we would build a good life together. And the attraction would come as the love deepened. I lived in the "good girl" world where sex wasnt the most important thing, right?
So we lived the textbook Leave it to Beaver life. Had 4 children, was a good supportive wife, took great care of the kids and the house, even went back to work fulltime to support us after he lost his job.
And perhaps I lost myself while I was so focused on taking care of everyone else. I forgot that I had needs and desires and I deserved attention too. In the early years we had just enough sex to make children. And nothing earth shattering like the stuff on cable! But even that looks good now. I cannot believe I am typing this but we have not had intercourse since my last child was conceived - 13 years ago. It makes me feel so unwanted and unloved to admit that. I only had one sexual partner prior to marriage and he was horny all the time. I cannot believe I am spending all my young years with someone who doesnt want to be close to me. I could cry for hours. I've tried everything to be desired - even losing 145 lbs in an attempt to peak his interest. I dont think he noticed! BUT, other men have. And recently I have been pursued by a man who is very attracted to me and has made it clear. You know, good girl BS aside, I am considering having an affair with him. He sees me in all the ways that my husband doesnt. He thinks I am sexy and lovely and funny and great to be around. I think of him often. Wow, I never thought I'd be "that kind" of woman but I don't want to feel alone anymore. I feel the years slipping by and I want to matter to someone. REally matter.

Ok, now is where I end this and apologize for saying too much. Trouble is, I dont feel sorry. Just sad and very alone.

I am so sorry for you.Sex is the driving force in most mens brains.If a man is sexually fulfilled in
his parnership relations, then he is normally contented. Of course,some people like to use sex as a weapon and my ex wife did in the end and it was the end so get rid of him and move on as your obviously better than that! Where have you been all my life?
I wish you happiness.

So sorry you have to face this. I hear about your frustration about him watching p0rn and self pleasuring rather than doing it with you! It's heartbreaking I had same situation 2 yrs into my marriage. Needless to say my self confidence shattered and I felt unattractive. It is the worst thing and yes the mercy sex isn't wonderful either.

Sweety your story is heartbreaking. You have put up with a lot more than you should. Affairs you say.

Speaking as somebody who only just discovered my wifes unfaithfullness this week i would honestly suggest to draw the line pick up the phone and make an appoitment with a Divorce Lawyer.

Establish some facts and start planning your exit. This tool will do nothing but make whatever few years you have left on this earth miserable.

You deserve better.

In ILIASM parlance, this is "The College Plan".

This plan tends to go guts up in numerous cases, because it is so "easy" to get up to that time, then defer it again for another reason.

If you are truly committed to it, go and see a lawyer NOW to establish how a divorce will shake out for you, and start your "College Plan" exit preparations NOW. By the time it comes time to execute said plan, you should be in the best possible shape to do so.

Tread your own path.

Bahh-love it! As of tomorrow I will start refering to it as the College Plan! Im disappointed to hear that people tend not to follow through...
Thanks for the advice re seeing a lawyer now, there is a fair bit of shared assests both corporate and personal....

Welcome to ILIASM. Usually people stumble in here saying "The marriage is great except for the sex". You've got a husband who's saying "delighted now that we dont have sex ... this is the relationship he has always wanted with you."

You are thinking ... there's something very wrong with this picture. And you're right. No, you don't have to learn to accept this. Yes, some people do, but it's a choice. You have a choice.

Stick around and read in this group, all the stories (and comments) that you can manage, and the forum too. You'll find you're not alone.

(Left 27 year marriage ... last 12 years without any form of affection.)

Cant understand him. Normally it is the woman who withdraws sex in a marriage.
Go out and have a wild affair and enjoy yourself! My marriage ended because my wife had his attitude.Im free now and happy!
So add me X

Nope, definitely not