If You Ignore Something....I have been on/off this group for several awhile now, sort-of lurking in the background; reading other stories and learning how to cope but I am feeling the need to write my own story and hopefully get some sage advice.
I am 47, wife is 44, married 22 years and together for 5 years prior to getting married. 5 kids(10-18yrs). Both professional, fit and successful. Our sex life was very quite fulfilling in the beginning but waned over the years when the kids starting arriving. Back in the spring of 2000 my wife pronounced to me that she was “not doing it anymore”, there was no discussion of the issue(s) and to this day I still don’t know why/what caused the change. She has never been comfortable discussing sexual topics and has a really hard time being vulnerable in any sexual activity. In trying to understand and talk about the issue she would get quite agitated and even hostile if I persisted in the conversation. Hence I gave up talking and tried other means to get her to change back to some semblance of her former self. I tried all kinds of things like surprise flowers for no reason, spa days, perfume, lingerie, weekends in the Bahamas, helping around the house, helping more with kids etc etc. While the notions were appreciated verbally and with public demonstrations of affection there was little to no bedroom activity. I couldn’t figure it out. I figure that from 2000 to end of 2007 I was rejected over 1500 times and successful less than 70 times( < once a month). When we did engage it was a very one-sided effort, mechanical and almost obligatory type of encounter. Passionless to say the least. I used to love to perform oral on my wife but this was also no longer allowed, again I don’t understand why she would refuse an activity that gave us both pleasure. As an aside, she has never satisfied me orally, she tried once in 1987. She hated it, said it felt degrading. No attempt since, I even got flavoured condoms once but the answer was always no.
In 2008 I worked in a different part of the country and flew back and forth twice a month and I skyped everyday with her and the kids. In a period of extreme gut wrenching loneliness I let my guard down and succumbed to an affair( please don’t judge me). For a few months of 2008 I had never ever felt more alive!!! I got caught and felt horrible her breaching her trust. I returned home in 2009, left my lover behind and in an effort to fix things. We are currently in counselling however the difficult subject of intimacy and sex has not been broached yet but when we are getting close to discussing the subject I feel the tension rise and the hostility in her posture.
I have been through a plethora of emotions over this, from anger to bitterness to resentment followed by despair and sadness; the only constant being feeling terribly lonely. To combat these I have come to the conclusion that I cannot force her to forgive me, I cannot change her asexual intimacy averse behaviour. The root of my unhappiness was having unmet expectations, once I removed to notion of having expectations I stopped initiating, stopped doing the little things like calling during the day, bringing her breakfast on Sundays etc etc and basically withdrew. Sure there were times when I felt like trying but these usually ended up going badly. There have been a few occasions where I pleasure her manually, with reciprocation being rare. Once, i think it was in 2010, she submitted to my advances only to criticize me halfway through the act for taking longer than the statistical average of 5-7 minutes to reach ******. Needless to say that was a mood killer==insta-limp!
So fast forward to November 2012, I had to go to Paris for a week and while I was there I bought her some really nice things; perfume, chocolate, lingerie(not trashy just nice), champagne for our anniversary. I gave them to her in eager anticipation.....big mistake. I got a humorous card and I haven’t seen the lingerie since, champagne is unopened but the chocolate is all gone now. No intimacy, none at xmas, none at New Years....alas the saga continues!
The problem now is that I no longer desire my wife. She is still attractive, tall thin with nice curves, pretty etc but when I look at her I do not see a sexual being and have no urges whatsoever. I guess the old saying of “if you ignore something long enough it will go away” is true......now what do I do?