Confused? Affair - Refused Vs RefuserI am a little confused about when a member of ILIASM, a refused person has an affair or "outsources" for intimacy I see comments from fellow members like:
I am so Happy for You
You deserve this
Way to go
Glad you're finally getting some
Good for you
Your refusing wife/husband deserved it
It's a cheering section, an overwhelming response of support and kudos for cheating on their spouse.
Then when a ILIASM member has their spouse to cheat on them then comments are:
I'm so sorry for you
You need to divorce that witch
I know it hurts but hang in there
You don't deserve this
I know it's so painful
It's an overwhelming response of sorrow, sympathy and support because they are the victim of a cheating spouse.
I understand a refused thought process here. They aren't givin it to ya so go get it somewhere else. It seems to me that people who have affairs seem to separate themselves and the act and justify it as if its only them involved and doesn't affect anyone else, except for the spouse which they usually have already written off in their mind. If that's the case then why not go the divorce path vs an affair. The affairies don't think or realize how deeply this act hurts and impacts families usually not just one, but 2 families. It seems to be the norm and almost glamorized in our society and here on this site. Refusers, most refusers I venture to say, have feelings and a heart. Sometimes they are not mean, terrible people they just need to get some help in one area or another. Most do not want to live the way they are living they would much rather be close, loving and in a great relationship. Maybe they don't know how. I'm sure some are cold and maybe calculating using sexual refusal as a weapon and a tool to hurt or manipulate their spouse. There are some I'm sure who are just plum mean and spiteful. Even the mean and spiteful in my humble opinion do not deserve to be lied to, cheated on, disrespected, humiliated, or deceived. It's more honorable and forthright if you take care of your business with your spouse and if you are to that point then leave the marriage. I would guess its just as hard and painful to go through an affair as it is to go ahead and separate or divorce, seems to me. Maybe even harder going the affair route especially if you get caught. Even if you didn't get caught you've still got to live with yourself. One is just morally, ethically, and religiously a more sound decision for everyone involved.
A refused spouse does not deserve to be rejected either. I know it is also humiliating, disrespectful and somewhat deceiving. There are different elements to an affair vs. rejection. There are many similar emotions, and there are a few more emotions involved with an affair. It's hard to explain until you've been on that side of the fence. It just so earth shaking for your spouse to be living a total separate life. Just the gut wrenching fact that someone you loved was so deceiving. Being intimate and sharing themselves and your family's lives with this stranger. This stranger knowing you, about you and your kids and you not even knowing they exist. Knowing they talked about you and your spouse has divulged all this private, personal information about you and your lives. It's very intrusive and you feel violated.
I also understand the thought process of being supportive to a refused person because they were not intimate with their spouse and that refusing spouse went outside the marriage to someone else. I am sure that is devastating also.
I wonder if some of you have suffered both refusal and an affair your spouse was involved in. I would like to know what your feelings are. Are they the same in comparison or is one worse? I realize most of the refused have gone a long time sometimes years without loving intimacy from their partner. I know what affect this can have on someone. It's very mentally and emotionally draining. It has to be exhausting.
Then when an affair is involved it is also mentally, physically and emotionally draining. It's all compacted into usually a short period especially when they've been caught. So it's like compounded 100x over and its a 365 days a year you live in anguish just trying to heal and get your life back on track. There is no in between or down time or happy good times. It's been 3 yrs since this all started for me and my family and I can say its been hell the whole time. So much crap involved just trying to take one hour at a time, day by day.
I realize we are going to disagree here on this issue and I totally get that. I assume if I were on the refused end I would think similar to you. I would not think as some of you do that an affair is okay. It's just my religious beliefs, my upbringing as a pretty moral, ethical, truth tellin person. I could never fathom doing that to myself or my family. That's just me. I am really interested if anyone has been on both sides and the comparison of feelings and the emotions of each experience.
Just seemed really weird to hear comments that are total opposites regarding affairs the refused have vs affairs refusers have. There are always two sides to each story and sometimes if you knew the whole story you might understand things in a whole different light. Both sides have their faults and flaws and both sides have to see and admit their own shortcomings. This is simply my opinion and feelings on this issue. I'm sure I'm wrong in some aspects I'm trying to learn and get a better understand.
RRRW 46-50, F 59 Responses 5 Jan 25, 2013