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Made A Big Step, Now Freaking Out ***UPDATE!***

So I haven't written in a while and have been pretty inactive on the board because things in my exit plan/divorce have been quite stagnant. The STBX made a decision that he would not go back to divorce mediation until I had a full-time job, and that was back in May '12.

So I have finally found myself a full-time job in my field, where I think I will be happy and I have struggled over the past several months with finding the right fit and not being supervised by crazy people; I'm a social worker and there are quite a few crazies in social work/counseling who shouldn't be! The job is a school counselor position at a local high school, and I start Monday.

However, now I feel nervous. I haven't worked outside of the home in years. I've had a part-time job that I work from home, so it isn't like I haven't been working at all. I am nervous about going back into a work environment with the possibility of my work and me being judged. My last full-time position ended horribly, I quit because of the way I was treated. Add to that the treatment of me by STBX has shot my self-esteem down to next to nothing. Oh, and now I face all the other big steps of moving out on my own because now I have an income to pay rent, and going back to mediation/court/finalizing the divorce. The job and moving are freaking me out more than the divorce process, that is pretty cut-and-dried, although I know there will be fights over alimony (he thinks I don't deserve it and has said so to me).

I just need to vent and hope that it helps to get this in writing. Sort of SM related! Thanks for reading.


***UPDATE***  First day today and it went really well, I was nervous but I did OK.  Settled in, met a bunch of people (so far, everyone is friendly), and started putting together my office.  =)
misssunnybunny misssunnybunny 41-45, F 10 Responses Jan 25, 2013

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Until you can get a feel for things just be pleasant and neutral if you can do so. Be happy, professional and do not share your personal life too much. You can make a go of this, I had not worked foe 22 years before I went back!

Good luck, missunny

I am just going through one myself, though the shoe is on the other foot. She met some guy on the internet and two weeks later, she was gone. Left me, left her children after 13 years for a stranger.

Oh well, I guess we're better off for it. There was an adjustment period. I had to change jobs because the job I'd been doing for 17 years, the career I loved, was not condusive to being a single parent.

Things do, and will get better. The up side of this is you get to test your resolve and discover just how strong you really are. As for the alimony, I'm not gettting any either, so I know how frustrating that can feel.

Glad to hear your first day at the new gig went well. Things are looking up.

Good luck!! I hope it keeps getting better :)

Thank you! Week #2 and it is still going well. Fingers crossed I can keep this job a while and get everything else moving along... =)

Congratulations on the new job! And at the sign of the first "crazy" (and there WILL be at least one!) smile, and walk away . . . !!

You really don't need to do it all at once. You can give yourself permission to settle into the new job for a few weeks (months?) first. In fact it might be WISE to do so. If you are trying to cope with the new job AND the separation simultaneously, then you will likely not perform at your best in either arena.

Keep coming back here for the support you need. "just feeling like I am incompetent is the big issue, and afraid they will see right through me! " - that is your lowered self esteem talking. And it is sometimes helpful to put that UNhelpful lowered self esteem back in its box and tell it to SHUT the F*** UP!!! {{{Hugs}}}

Yeah, definitely try not to change everything at once. Speaking from experience.
: )
But don't delay too long, either.

I totally agree with this. I have a friend who asked me on Monday if I spent the weekend looking for a place to live now that I have a job. I said I could barely wrap my mind around having employment, let alone thinking of renal hunting! I need to settle into work (day three, going well!) and get used to my new schedule, then I can look into moving and finishing up the divorce. I know I can get overwhelmed and have to go step by step.

Take your time! Well meaning friends may wish to propel you faster than you can manage - only YOU can know how fast you want to take things. And I'm REALLY glad the new job is going well! That is a HUGE step forwarsd! {{{hugs}}}

Thank you! I know my limits and will only move forward when I feel ready. I'm more comfortable considering the legal part than the moving part, moving seems way more traumatic! Thank you so much for all of your support!

Val, no worries! From you it feels more like excited encouragement. The pressure is from a friend here, she is very much an immediate gratification person, and I think has a tough time understanding the dynamics of leaving. I can handle it, I'll do what I have to do when I feel comfortable with it. =)

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Keep on going ahead. How to survive when working with dysfunctional people? This is what I did, I only addressed issues and not people. I never become personal when trying to resolve a problem. I stay positive and supportive. They can' t stand it and I never have anything bad to say about anyone. I accept no stupid chit chat that is hurtful. I now stay away from all drama . Many people including myself have had a lot of criticism in life. It is hurtful to the soul and I will always be sensitive to rejection but it has forced me to learn to deal with difficult people.

Thanks! I'll find out what the work environment is once I start....lots of new things happening for me in the near future. At least it is a school job and if it sucks summer break is only 5 months away! =)

Yay! congrats on your new job! And remember - everyone is nervous when attempting something new, but the joys of the new experience should outweigh the risks!!!

As someone who left a toxic work situation 2 years ago, I look forward to hearing how it went and gaining courage from your experience. Best of luck!

<p>Here is what I saw when I had the pleasure of meeting you for that wonderful lunch last year:</P><br />
<p>A smart, thoughtful and competent woman who will rise to those challenges that life presents.</P><br />
<p>Take the issues one at a time. You will get there. It won't be painless however, you do possess the where withall to get to where you need to go.</P><br />
<p>A higher quality of life awaits you. Embrace it, along with the inevitable challenges - and you will get to where you need to go.</P>

Thanks M. I think just feeling like I am incompetent is the big issue, and afraid they will see right through me! Just need to get back into working and I think I will be fine. Everyone seemed nice at the interview, and the staff at the school appeared happy and relaxed, definitely a good sign.

Take things at school one day at a time. You have valuable insights to offer - the students at the school who need you will flourish under your guidance and be fortunate to have someone wise in dealing with the gritty realities of life on their mental heal team.

misssunny: CONGRATS on landing the job!!!! ride that success. take it slowly and cautiously yet with HOPE and optimism. you will rebuild your self esteem. xo

I have a feeling once I start I'll be fine. It is facing that fear that is the difficult part. Yes, I need to "breathe" and try and take a step back and tackle one thing at a time. If I don't, I will get too overwhelmed. One day at a time they say.....

I did go shopping and got myself some new additions for the wardrobe! =)

Already there, wash and go with the hair! Not high-maintenance in that department at all... =)

You say your nervous and why wouldn't you be? But it is a bit more than that. You are anxious and I mean seriously anxious, to the point where you are already anticipating failure, even if there is no specific indicator(s) for failure. It's your experience in your last job is doing that to you. The fact that you can't 'manage' your personal relationship doesn't help with that.

There are no magic answers to that and you will continue to struggle with that until you hopefully and suddenly find yourself on the other side again. It's not the battering that your self-esteem has taken that is the biggest issue but that you have no confidence in your abilities, which is a much more stark predicament.

All I can suggest is that you try and keep trying to find little successes for yourself, that you continue allowing yourself to find yourself having little failures where you realise that your success and failures are not all down to yourself. We are all too ready to exclaim that our successes are often down to good luck but much more reticent to claim that our failures can be down to bad luck. Sometimes it can be useful to tell yourself that even if at the same time you believe that you are telling yourself wee lies. It doesn't help, of course, if you look at those around you who never accept their culpabilities and wonder could you ever be like that.

I keep on maintaining that EVERYTHING in life is all about balance and equilibrium, accepting that we can be a failure while still having successes. However, if you have had what appears to be an unending succession of failures, you can't help wondering whether that is all you can do and it is extremely difficult to prise yourself out of that mind-set.

I reckon, for me, that the only conceivable way of dealing with it is to focus less on the distant future and 'inevitable' failure and try to focus on now and tomorrow and the possibilities that I can more distinctly identify and deal with, see less of an amorphous jelly-like mass that I can't possibly handle. There isn't one reality for each of us in our futures but a number of alternative realities that we can have a greater or lesser influence over but that overall we can have more influence over than we either think we can have or choose to have.

The real struggle for any of us is to take that one little first step forward.

PS. And do you know what? It is likely that the story for him is more or less the same. It's the same for most of us. That's the really sad bit.