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Why Do I Bother When I'M Sure It Won'T Make Any Difference.

It seems that in order to "save"our marriage, I am the one that has to make all the changes and the only promise is that there will be no promise that anything will change on the other side.

After twelve years of "not tonight", "maybe later", "it's not you", it's not your fault", all of a sudden it is all my fault and always has been. I am a horrible person and am verbally abusive.

According to the book once accused of abuse the only chance at redemption is to totally submit and never ever try and defend yourself. You must admit that you are scum and even if you are from now forever forward perfect in every way you are not allowed to expect any kindness in return.

I'll admit to being grouchy at times but I do not call my wife names and I do not do or say things to embarrass or belittle  her but apparently I am worse than a man who beats his wife.

I will give all this the benefit of doubt and do what I can to be a much less grouchy person but in the end I expect something in return.  In the mean time I get to put up with getting yelled at about what a rotten person I am for ten minutes at a stretch for having said the wrong thing.
riley7253 riley7253 56-60, M 7 Responses Jan 25, 2013

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I too have witnessed the passive aggressive behavior you are seeing. I am convinced Riley, that at the end of the day, we need to decide to do what is best. The tough part is our desire to hold on to the happy moments from the past. This seems to cloud the present. That was then and this is now might be the better way to look at these times. On the other hand, all of that practical financial family stuff doesn't help either. I think Springsteen's 'Trapped' song kind of sums it up.

Of course your grouchy, you're not getting any (from the one person on earth who should be giving it)! When I'm really in the mood, I get frustrated and restlessly stomp around the house. One time he asked me what's wrong, I told him he didn't want to know. He insisted, so I told him the cold hard truth... "I am angry because I am horny and you won't have sex with me. A married woman shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting intimacy with her husband! And a married woman shouldn't have to resort to master bation in order to have her needs fulfilled (which don't replace the need to be desired and feel physical contact from another person)." He just looked at me blankly and walked away. Yeah, this makes person damn grouchy. I'd say you have a right to be, and tell her so.

You are reaching the bottom of the barrel of excuses to stay in this shithole.

Yet, more depths to the barrel can always be created, and I have every confidence in your ability to find those new depths.

Tread your own path.

This one is on you.

Meaning you must take a stand for yourself and not accept subpar treatment. If you won't stand up for yourself there are always others who will take advantage and abuse you.

Regardless of whether the person doling out the abuse is your spouse or not.

You must take a stand and draw your boundaries. Once you do that their behavior will stop.

When mine starts up I chime in with stating "yes I agree, I'm also responsible for climate change, world hunger & the pot holes in the road.... If you fancy, I can find some other molehills to make into mountains for you?"

sometimes this diffuses the situation, sometimes not. Apart from being sexless, I think she might have a personality disorder too.

I agree with GibbySan. You walk away and state something like "I'm not your emotional punching bag"

Just because our spouses say something is so, doesn't make it so.
Intimacy and respect is a vital component of a healthy marriage.
Honestly about the relationship will never surface when the withholding spouse doesn't want to change, or has made a decision they won't change.

Believe in what you feel inside; what your spirit desires

Well maybe if she would attempt to be sweet she wouldn't get the grouchy you either. You are not horrible. So sorry. This sucks. So frustrating when they cant see they do wrong as well. I feel I have done the same in the past. Tell myself Im no good because he says so. He tells me everything is my fault and I'm not worth anything. I start to say it before he does and I think I start to believe it. You deserve more, a chance at more.