For so long I merely existed. The years dragged on and nothing changed, nothing happened. I tried to please my refuser, he was never pleased. It became our routine. I would talk to friends and hear about new things they were trying, opportunities they were excited about, and it just seemed foreign. I can remember on a number of occasions being struck by how quickly other peoples lives seemed to move. Now I realize that it is because I wasn't living.
Since I filed for divorce things are happening, I have some forward momentum and I love it. However, my refuser is doing everything in his power to stop it. If you've read my past stories you know I am stuck living with him. Tonight I again broached the subject of a parenting plan. A schedule we could initiate now and continue once we are living separately. He, in true form, refused. He said, "You take care of the kids and I work, that is our arrangement". When I pointed out that he would need to learn to take responsibility for the children he said, "I'll take responsibility for the kids when you take responsibility for the mortgage". In truth, I can not force him to do anything. I feel defeated, like he is taking my life back. Tomorrow is a big day of figuring out how to not rely on him for ANYTHING, even the welfare of his children.
Maleficent77 Maleficent77
31-35, F
4 Responses Jan 26, 2013

Update: today I hired a regular babysitter so that I am no longer subject to his whims. He was surprisingly reasonable when I told him.


Your story scares the SH*T out of me. Have you consulted a lawyer? Have you talked perhaps with women's shelters? Good for hiding the passports, but there are easily obtained forged passports. Can you contact the police and tell him you are worried your H is a flight risk with the kids? They can perhaps put him on a watch list at airports etc.

I hope I am being over cautious here, but every year there are stories of ex's fleeing to other countries with kids...

I admire your strength. I think starting to change is so difficult . If you are strong enough for that , then I know you will have the strength to continue on

You have forward movement and at best he is disinterested in it because he sees it as having nothing to do with him. At worst he is deliberately trying to sabotage your efforts, to make it impossible for you to divorce him by putting practical barriers in your way.

What, if anything, can you do to establish equilibrium? If you have to spend more money having the kids looked after while you seek to make your own way financially; can you put the cost of that on his tab?

The problem is that reality hasn't kicked in for him yet and he instinctively, reactively, thinks he can ignore it and that as a result it will go away. It won't and he will have to come to terms with that.

Make sure you have enough documentation on him, eg, birth cert copies, marriage cert copies, copies of passports, driving licences, notes on social insurance identity, IRS records, health insurance documents, etc. Some men will go as far as trying to do a complete vanishing act. It is rare but it does happen. Make it difficult for him if he is daft enough to do so.

This is my biggest fear. He is a foreign national and our kids have dual citizenship. I have hidden everybody's passports. Today I am looking to hire a babysitter who will sometimes have to be here at the same time as STBX (strange I know) because I can not rely on him to look after his children. It will have to go on his tab, there is no other choice.

Thanks notavbwanabe for your suggestions, they are very practical. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. It seems I have few more documents to copy...

I also suggest you seek legal advice on how to alert authorities that he may try to take the children out of the country. Altho this may not be of huge concern to you, I still recommend you take a "worst case scenario" outlook - just in case. {{{hugs}}}