And The Truth Shall Set Me FreeYesterday I received a very long email from my stbx. I had to sit with it all day and let it simmer in my mind because it was quite shocking. It validated I wasn't crazy and it made me sad - I should have left years ago.
He started by talking about when we met. He said other women he had been meeting were "fat and horrible" but I was "perfect." (keep this in mind for later) Physically, I was everything he wanted and he said I seemed like "the sweetest thing" giving him notes, cards, etc. (I forgot I did that stuff, repressed it from my memory I guess). He noted that he never acknowledged this stuff. Never said anything about the things he liked (which is why I stopped doing things eventually).
I was his first real relationship because other women were not "perfect enough" (His words). He said that doomed us from the start because he didn't know what to do in a relationship. He admitted he didn't open up enough or share enough with me -- never mind all my prodding, probing and encouraging. He wrote, "I THOUGHT things.. but never shared them a lot of the times."
He said once we got married he took me for granted, quote: "I took you for granted, even when you cried for affection, I would sometimes ignore it and assume everything would just work out." (This floors me -- I have tried to bring intimacy into our life from the start and he always turned it down.. is that how things "work out???")
Then things get -- painful.
I went through a low time -- total, full-out depression. I know I wasn't pleasant during this time. Something happened to land me there (not gonna talk about it). I admit I gained weight, I was unattractive. But please note, he stopped giving me affection PRIOR to this - as he even admitted.
He said that when I gained weight, I "repulsed him." He was no longer attracted to me. Quote,'"Of course, I never said a word to you... but by not acting or talking to you, I may as well have said it. You knew. It repulsed me seeing you in this state. But, I assumed everything would be just okay, just work out...you would lose weight and I would be attracted to you again. How HORRIBLE is that thinking? I was pretty much the reason WHY you were depressed and gaining weight yet I didn't see it."
He admits this went hand-in-hand with the no-sex. He *********** in the living room, refusing me. He also said and I quote, "I never cheated, but I probably would have if the opportunity presented itself."
He said and I quote again, "You craved things even from the start I could never give you ... or I refused to give you."
So he wasn't attracted to me during a few year depression - ************, dreaming of cheating if some lady landed on his lap (because he wouldn't work for even that).
Dad dies, I snap out of my depression, start taking control of my life. NO help from my husband, mind you. NO support. NONE. He was playing his video games, guitar and pursuing his hobbies. NOT ONE WORD was said to me of concern during my depressed years. NOT ONE. Not ONCE did he say, "hey, honey, get out of bed.. lets'... (fill in the blank). He checked out. Was repulsed by me, but had NO inclination to say one ******* word to me to offer any kind of support. (through sickness and health my ***)
I pulled MYSELF OUT.
I worked my *** off (literally) and started living again. Meanwhile, he finds himself in a depression - HE is "stuffing his face" (as he told me I was doing) and gaining weight. I ask him to try the meals I am cooking -- make him protein shakes in the mornings, ask him to join me on walks, hikes, activities. No, no, no, no,.is all I get from him. So I stop asking. We start drifting. I lose weight, but he STILL doesn't want sex with me -- now he says it's because he feels bad about HIMself. (that was his excuse last year)
"I always thought it would just work out in the end.. like everything ALWAYS did in my life. I can't believe this went on for years. I can't believe you didn't leave years ago. Everything was fake.. everything was fine to everyone else."
Then he says "fast forward to the last year. I started seeing you again, you were starting to be hot again, you would walk by and I was checking you out all the time, yet I NEVER said a ******* word to you.. "you look great," or "I'm proud of you." I'm sorry. I'm not writing any of this to get you back.. I know it isn't possible. I just thought it was time for truth. That you weren't crazy and wondering why you weren't happy. I wasn't happy either. I always just think everything will work out. For me EVERYTHING stems from physical attraction, without that, there is no passion.. no enthusiasm to live life, boring, dull. I have to tell you, I was REALLY attracted to you in the last two months. You are smoking and I was thinking we could start a normal sex life again. But it is way too late, you had enough and said, '**** it.. we're done.' Like I said, I can't believe you didn't do that years ago. Then (dog) dies and everything comes crashing down.. I no longer thought everything would work out in my life. I was losing my house, my dog AND my wife and there was NOTHING I could do about any of it. I'm at the bottom, no control. All of the other stuff, terrible jobs, no money, etc.. those were just distractions. I 'm sorry. But I finally see you are doing what is best for you. And for that I am happy."
I just get chills when I read this email. Sadness floods over me.
I get how important physical attraction is -- but --- he shut me off during the worse time of my life, exasperating the problem. That just seems... cruel. He also enabled me during that time -- he didn't offer ANY kind of healthy support. I am not just saying that to make myself feel better, it's fact.
Apparently it shook him so bad to see me as imperfect he couldn' t even see my healthy changes until just the last year. But he said he "felt too gross" for sex (his weight now was the issue).
So that's all we ever had then -- no mental / emotional connection. Only a physical connection IF both parties were perfect.
So all the other stuff I might write about, "ardor" / passion / etc........... no... we were in an unhealthy, DYSFUNCTIONAL relationship. He's a passive --- not even aggressive, hell aggression would be something, but he offers NOTHING... he's a PASSIVE NOTHING. Do nothing, say nothing, just "assume it will all work out."
I was NOT crazy. I WAS the only one working in this ******* relationship. Sorry for the vulgarity........ but it's mindblowing how long I forced myself to be stuck out of "vows" and "commitment" when it was an UNHEALTHY, DYSFUNCTIONAL relationship when I was unhappy, depressed and felt it was all wrong for years.
I just feel coldness in my heart --- dark coldness. I don't know how he wants me to respond. I won't. I feel it's closure. It's my validation. It's my freedom.