I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Just One More

By: nobs4meplz

Written on January 26th, 2013

I have been here for quite some time, lurking, actually for more than a year. Up until that time this was my most intimate secret, that I live in a sexless marriage. I told no one. Not my friends or my family. It was New Years Eve last year that I came here as I sat by myself, hubby asleep in his room, and spent the whole evening reading. At midnight while on TV everyone hugged one another, I was alone with my laptop. The relief of letting go and knowing that I am not the only one is so powerful. The shame of being married but not being married, not having a relationship with someone, not being able to touch or be touched. I spend hours here reading others accounts of their marriages. The same feelings of rejection, hurt, anger, humiliation.
I have been married forever. My husband and I met when we were in our teens, we lived together and then married. We have been together for over 30 years. He was never overly affectionate in public but we usually had sex several times a week. Until the children came, then it dwindled down to once a week, then once a month, then nothing. I admit that I played a part in losing my husbands attention. I admit that I gained weight when I had children. I also probably did put the children ahead of him when they were smaller. However for the last 10 or 11 years he has not touched me. I really don't know how long it has been, it has been so long I have forgotten. I tried to be accepting. I got hobbies, as I see lots others mention on here, I did things with the children. I was the best at everything. (except sex obviously I was not good at that) I lost weight I went to the gym. It did not matter. It was like Seinfeld (no soup for you!... well ...no sex for me!) I decided as soon as my children were grown I would leave.
Well my children are grown and it is getting time. Thanks to this site, I am learning every day, I am working on my exit plan. I envy some of you, I know it is not nice. For some of you once you make the decision to leave -find it easier to leave- it was the decision of leaving that was hard (some have the financial, legal and family resources to make it an easy transition). Some of us after making the hard decision of leaving due to financial, legal and/ or family resources find it quite a difficult and tedious process . However unless you have been in this position you can never know how hard it can be to live in a sexless marriage. No matter if we stay, decide to outsource, or decide to leave. It puts a whammy on your brain and your psyche to live with someone day in and day out knowing that you have offered yourself to them and they refused. (Yes I did) Having them "love you" without wanting to have sex with you. And like others on here after awhile all we want is that someone who wants to touch us in every way once again. Hopefully we can all find someone who will want to love us, touch us and have sex with us.

By: nobs4meplz

Age: 46-50 , Female

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18 responses

EinEngel

Hugs to you my new friend, NoBS. Welcome to the club that everyone wishes they did not belong to. Some of the folks here, have moved on and were kind enough to stay and encourage the rest of us with our coping and our decisions, whatever they may be. I am one who has decided to stay. I have a really long long blog because I have been here a while. Feel free to peruse. Hope you find many inspiring stories from these wonderful folks at ILIASM. I know I did.

Feb 11
1 like
jeepnjohn

You have put into words.....what so much of us feel!!! I find it calming to know that its not just ME. We do share some of the same, "complications i wish you the best in any decision you make, and remember we will be here to talk if you need!

Jan 28
1 like
smithy8015

nobz, welcome to the posting side of ILIASM.
it's always difficult to leave. sometimes nearly impossible--or at least it can seem that way. but having lived the toxic, soul-destructive life you've (we've!) endured for xx number of years: you have strength and creativity and skills and you CAN do it.
it might take longer than you'd like. but here's the thing: just the act of planning and moving forward strengthens you a bit more every day. bonus? once you're able to get some physical and/or mental distance from the toxicity--your thinking and self talk will transform.
be strong. you can do it!

Jan 28
1 like
bazzar

You would like a functional marriage (preferably with him) inclusive of sexual expression.
He is cool with things exactly as they are - exclusive of sexual expression.
Somehow, you seem to have got yourself to a position where you figure something is wrong with YOU.
Dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices which feed back into the dysfunctional loop.
The position your head has taken you to above would seem to be a classic case in point.
It is bloody hard to bust out of the dysfunctional loop, as you are surrounded by its' toxicity all the time. Abnormal things / attitudes start to look "normal".
Reading here extensively might help loosen the grip the dysfunctional loop has around your throat. Taking on some of the strategies you'll see that other people have used successfully might loosen that stranglehold a bit more. A point may emerge where you have enough loosening of the grip that you can do the rest of the job yourself.
Are you up for it ?
Tread your own path.

Jan 28
2 likes
- nobs4meplz
  Q.You would like a functional marriage (preferably with him) inclusive of sexual expression.
  A Yes I want a functional marriage including sex. (Used to think preferably w/him)
  He is cool with things exactly as they are - exclusive of sexual expression. This appears to be true.
  Somehow, you seem to have got yourself to a position where you figure something is wrong with YOU.
  I had for a while thought this - but I know although I have faults this one is not mine.
  Dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices which feed back into the dysfunctional loop.
  VERY TRUE I AGREE ! 1000%
  The position your head has taken you to above would seem to be a classic case in point. It is bloody hard to bust out of the dysfunctional loop, as you are surrounded by its' toxicity all the time. Abnormal things / attitudes start to look "normal".
  My head has been ****** with so much and has so much weird **** in it I may never get off the loop, but I have been reading here for over a year. I have learned lots from others. As I sit and read and nod my head in agreement at the thoughts and comments of others. Such as this one "When I realized (some months ago) that I actually still loved him/her, but it had morphed into a 'brother / sister" type of love, it was clear to me that it had to end. If you don't love your spouse as a spouse then you are demeaning both parties." sound familiar?
  Are you up for it ?
  Up? Well lets just say I gotta do what I gotta do... however long it takes me. There are some days when I just don't want to get up and deal with all of the crap, but looking at the ones on here who have gone on to have a real romance well... they make me say hell yeah I'm up for it. Thanks for helping me figure it all out.
  
  Jan 28
  1 like
enna30

I encourage you to read the stories and comments of Neuilly who left her marriage of over forty years duration. She is inspirational.

Jan 27
2 likes
bazzar

This bit puzzles me, where you say "....some of you find it so easy to leave"
Can you actually quote me an example of that being said here ??
Tread your own path.

Jan 26
3 likes
- enna30
  Nobs, I totally agree with Baz. Point out just ONE person who found it "so easy to leave"?? Or, if anyone who reads this says "I just found it SO easy to leave!" - please tell us!
  Te "so easy to leave" is a total myth. In fact, I can honestly say I do not think ANY intelligent caring human being finds it "easy" to end a relationship - especially a marriage.
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
- nobs4meplz
  I am sorry I have edited my story- I did not mean to offend anyone, I said it was not nice that I was envious, it was more to do with having the ability to go once you have made the decision. The fact that some can go as soon as they make that decision does make me jealous. I did not mean that it is "so easy to leave" your marriage. But once you have made the decision to leave having to stay for weeks and months and possibly years because of circumstances does make me envious and I am sorry if that makes me a terrible person. I already feel like a terrible person.
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
- enna30
  You are certainly NOT a terrible person! And I'm so sorry if my post and Baz's made you feel that way. It IS hard to leave a marriage - even a bad one. All of us find it very difficult- and some circumstances make it even more difficult.
  But keep on reading here - and use the information that you learn to help you make informed choices for yourself. {{{hugs}}}
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
zsuzsilowinger

YOu are definitely not alone in being alone.
Wishing you the best in your future AUTHENTIC life!

Jan 26
3 likes
catfishpooh3

Thanks for sharing with us. You have put a lot of my frustrations and feelings into words. One day you will be satisfied in knowing that you raised your children and supported your husband. In the end you will be better and stronger person.

Jan 26
2 likes
caldreamer

This sounds like a familiar story around here; co-dependance perhaps. Maybe a passive/aggressive refuser. Stick to your plan and be happy, joyous and free.

Jan 26
2 likes
Endthegame

And a happy new year to you :)
"At midnight while on TV everyone hugged one another, I was alone with my laptop."... with me on the other end. Lol.
Take care. Keep planning

Jan 26
2 likes
- nobs4meplz
  You are my hero! :)
  You saved me that night!
  Just knowing...you were there and I was not alone helped so much.
  
  Jan 26
  1 like
something2talkabout

One could take this story, switch the genders around, and you would have most of my story right down to the feelings, including: having them "love you" without wanting to have sex with you. I actually envy you, as I don't have an exit plan that is feasible at this time.

Jan 26
4 likes
- nobs4meplz
  Don't envy me yet lol I do have a plan...but it is very much a work in progress and still has much work to be done to be feasible but I am working on it. (I remember you ...did you figure out what to do with your fund?)
  
  Jan 26
  1 like
john818

HI , THANK GOD SOME IS IN THE SAME NON RELATIONSHIP THAT IM IN ...GOOD LUCK WITH MOVING ON ...IF YOU FANCY A CHAT THATS OK JOHN X

Jan 26
1 like

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