The Cold House

What happens when you wake up every morning craving the feeling of someone next to you? What happens when you touch your spouse and she pulls away? What does it mean when your wife tells you that she wants to be more like roommates and never touch you again?

These questions are mine and I am dealing with them each in my own way. I am going to share my life with all of you; hoping that someone is experiencing some of the same things I am. I hope that my problems and solutions will help and comfort others.

Generally I am a loving person who likes to hug and make people feel welcome. I especially have a soft spot in my heart for kids and the elderly. I will never treat anyone bad on purpose and go out of my way to make people feel needed and special. I am very tolerant with people, but believe that everyone should be responsible for their own actions. I am quick to forgive and seldom hold a grudge. I am drawn to people that need rescuing!

The Mistake
I have been married for over 20 years and have made lots of mistakes...that is a fact, not a statement. I blame myself for my wife not wanting anything to do with me. It started about 10 years ago. We were having a family disagreement that involved our entire family about the way we planned to raise our children. One of our sons has ADHD and several other problems. If you have child with special needs, you know how much pressure is on the parents. During one of our arguments with our parents, I said the wrong thing and chose the parents side, instead of my spouses. She has not had any trust in me since that day. In my defense, I was a confused man who didn't support his wife. I have no excuse as to why I didn't take her side in the matter. We have had other disagreements since then, but that was the one that cost me the love of my life. Since then anything that I do that doesn't agree with her ideas go back to me taking our parents side. We have since stopped seeing any of our family; became outcast.

We have tried many things to heal the split between us; counselling, therapy...nothing has changed her mind about the back stabbing husband that I am. Finally about two years ago she just stopped any physical contact with me at all. She told me that she couldn't be with a man she didn't trust and was finished with me. I thought this would eventually go away and have remained supportive and helpful. I have taken over almost all of the household chores and dealing with the kids. I moved into the downstairs bedroom and remain there to this day. Over the last year I have noticed that she has been working late at night and on weekends. She has always hung out with friends and went to concerts and stuff, but she has stayed out later and later. It doesn't take a genius to realize that she has met someone.

Three to four months ago I confronted her about my thoughts. I told her that I knew she had met someone. She wouldn't admit it to me, but she didn't deny it either. I finally broke down and told her my true feelings about our entire lives. I told her that I was sick of sleeping by myself. I am tired of not being able to hug her or hold her hand. I told her that I missed being able to go out to dinner or to a movie and not be stressed out. I told her that I craved contact. I have noticed that when I hug a friend or acquaintance that I hold on too long or hug to tight. I am one of those people who have to have contact with others. I told her that if she was going to continue living her life without me, then I was going to find someone to be friends with. I told her that I was going crazy and that I loved her, but I couldn't keep going on like I had been. I asked her if she understood what I was saying and she said, want to know if I'm having an affair. She missed the entire point of our conversation. She then told me that I should do whatever I needed to do. I should consider us room mates and nothing more. She wants us to be parents for our children and that's it. She wants nothing else to do with me. She told me that I must have found someone else and that's why I was pushing things. I told her that I hadn't found someone else and didn't want anyone else, but I was tired of being lonely.

I know in my mind that the solution would be a divorce. I see people all the time that split over much less. I even believe a divorce would be the best thing for both of us, but I cant do it because of the kids. She even told me that I could have custody of them and she would come and visit if I made her leave. I know what that would do to our kids and I cant break their hearts. In a few years they will be grown and I will move on then, but until then I will stay in my dungeon, smile, and support my family.

If you can call it a good thing, I have found someone that I can talk to. We were drawn to each other like magnets. Its scary how similar our situations are. I will tell that story in another place.

I value everyone's thoughts and opinions. I know that what I am doing is wrong in every way, but I don't know what else to do. I didn't tell you that my flaws are loyalty and not quitting anything.
catfishpooh3 catfishpooh3
46-50, M
3 Responses Jan 26, 2013

"We have tried many things to heal the split between us; counselling, therapy...nothing has changed her mind about the back stabbing husband that I am."

So, you had ONE difference of opinion about how to raise your ADHD son, ONE time where you didn't back her up - and that is enough for her to never sleep with you again?

That, my friend, is bullsh*t of the highest order.

The incident above was the start of it. It has gone down hill ever since. My wife has one major are either 100 percent with her or you are against her for life. She has no real friends, only acquaintances that come and go in her life.

Sounds like my very passive-aggressive/abusive MOTHER. This is 100% my mother "you are either with me or against me" type behaviour, i am getting goosebumps just reading it.

Let me tell you something, if she's pulling that sh*t with the KIDS (and you can bet she is), they are going to be scarred FOR FREAKIN LIFE...I am shaking just now thinking of what I went through, and scared for you kids.

My parents divorce was the START of my sanity/life.

Your wife's 1 flaw points to a serious, serious personality disorder. Some people around here have some great websites relating to various personality disorders -can someone post one of those for catfish to have a look?

Thanks for the reply. I will look for some stuff on personality disorders. I hadnt thought of that. I thought she was just set in her ways.

Here's a great site that Enna30 pointed me to:

So sorry you are dealing with this. :(

1 More Response

This breaks my heart, I had when relationships/marriages....I hope you can find the strength to move out and on... She has clearly... I am here as your friend, if you should need me..

Lady Dane

Thank you!

I hope whom ever you have found, is there to support you at this time of need.. I can tell you that I know how is feels to need & desire touch, to not have something that is so basic, a hug, holding hands, a hello, a good bye, just a like across the room, to say I am thinking of you .. I miss these things so much, as I know you do as well... My friend I hope you will lean on me as your new friend when you need some emotional support, I am only a message away!

Hugs from Texas !
Lady Dane

Two questions: Do you think the kids have not noticed the problems the two of you have, and your living arrangements? Do you think the kids would be better off having two happy parents and seeing loving relationships?

We have had this sleeping/living relationship for years. So the kids don't seem to pay any attention to it. I do think the kids would be better off with two happy parents. We did try separation for awhile and the kids were devastated. I know in my head that it would be better for everyone and that after a little time, things would settle down and we would all learn to live and be happy. Its getting to the point where I can do it.

this is so true and is from a comment in the post right above yours: "living authentically heals not only yourself but everyone around you"