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The Day Of Reckoning (Update) - Leaving

A couple of Days ago, after reading a statement left by Bazaar about motivation,

"One (kind of Motivation) is the fear of failure, which can be harnessed and converted into an attitude of working diligently to avoid failure."

I had an epiphany of sorts: I should be fighting for my life and I am not doing enough!

Yes, it's true that I have been severely compromised by the events of the last few years. I am confused, never mind depressed, I am completely distressed. Is this any kind of position from which to make critical decisions that will lead me out of this malaise? No! Will someone, anyone rescue me! Nope! PANIC! OMG, I am alone and there is no one who is going to give me a road map out.

This is not fair! I feel guilty, I feel angry at him, I feel sorry for him. What about my little boy? If I am truly honest with myself, I know that the status quo is best for him. But, all of this doesn't matter because Mom is leaving your Dad. (My husband may not agree to work or even look after our son because it's better for him if I take care of everything and everyone)

I know it's better not to think of him as dead and never expect a thing of him. But truth be told, there are ways in which he can help. The other day, I took him to see a tiny apartment. It was pretty bad but, if we are to live separately, this is what we could afford to do. His responded "Have you ever lived this way with a child?" Then I reminded him that, during a another period of our marriage, we had been separated because of his work and that while pregnant with our son, I had lived in a hole of an apartment with our daughter. I guess fear of failure doesn't motivate him either.

My husband either doesn't want to or can't work. I am going to have to fight to make a living and a path for our children. My husband either doesn't want to or can't be a husband to me. So, whether it's fair or not I am going to have to succeed because I am scared shitless of failure! Ever read about the economics of Single Motherhood? Pretty Bleak, huh?

Oh God, please give me the strength to put one foot in front of the other. Surely the road will rise up to meet me?







amithecrazyone amithecrazyone 46-50, F 4 Responses Jan 26, 2013

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AITC, truly's comment about not caring where she lives, etc., resonates with me deeply. as it should with you.

as for the school your son is in. have you made an appt to talk with the director, whoever is in administration there? if not, please do. sit with them, discuss your situation, your plans, and your deep desire for your child to remain in their care....stability is vital, etc. you may be very delightfully surprised to find the school might be able to help you out while you ease through this transition. if a private school chances are they have a fund to help families in exigent circumstances. (this is my plan for my child's near term future).


as for fearing that taking on all the responsibility will drain you:

don't you already HAVE all the responsibility? with no support from your h? except now, you have the added (considerable) drag of the weight of your h, disagreements re: decisions, wrestling with him over his inability to contribute in any way, etc.

take away that weight and what happens....a huge load off your shoulders. peace. resolve. you'll see your strength as it exists. and begin to believe in yourself.

my. additional suggestion/comment: once you're able to push the process along a bit further, the courts will support you and your child(ren) by forcing your H to do *something* to support you/ the child(ren).

you may not be able to count on it coming through, but you will receive moral support & legal back up. and the govt will chase after him to the extent they can, to enforce that. you won't have to.

so hugs and support to you. keep on posting.

xo

I also encourage you to talk frankly to the school. ASK if there is any way your child can continue to attend. Ask about subsidies, scholarships, etc. And if it seems that it can NOT be possible, ask them to recommend the best possible place for your child as an alternative option.

I took the step of talking with my children's sunday school (Yes I am an atheist whose children have a huge wish to go to Sunday school, and so I sent them to the one I used to go to...)...

Upon being frank about our situation, I was told "pay what you can, we have it covered". I fully intend to pay back when/if the opportunity arises!

The same has happened for: subsidized daycare for me (once I explained the situation of our separation, they looked at me as a single mom, even though he lives here); drama school for eldest (1/2 fees for low income); etc etc.

There is no harm in trying, there is no harm in being honest of the situation. Noone in my case has treated me poorly or my children any differently. I hope you have success.

Hi Smithy:

Thanks for reminding of the truth, I do have all the responsibility. In truth, I was happier when I didn't know this. I wasn't scared. It's strange how a person can walk a tight rope until s/he is told that there is no safety net. I have some blessings vis a vis my son and his schooling. He tests very well and the school wants him. I am actually thinking of leaving my husband here with my son to maintain my little boy's current routine. I feel so selfish saying this but, I want to go home to recreate a life that addresses my needs. I also recognize that I will jeopardize my son's happiness if I move him now. I'm hoping that my husband will share the responsibility of raising our son with me. I know that this will entail my traveling back and forth between states for the foreseeable future. I am also going to have to be the one to make a living. As for the courts, I doubt that they can force my husband to be a capable person. Anyway, isn't interesting being in a sm is actually just the tip of the iceberg? Thank you for your encouragement. It helps so much!

"......there are ways in which he can help"

Of course there are.

But is there any resolve / intent / motivation / history / evidence - to suggest that he WILL ???

Just out of interest, he appears to be coming from a motivational place where he fears success. That is a toxic position.

Tread your own path.

Hi Bazaar: as I mentioned your comment on motivation was like a call to action to me. Up to that point, I had mostly been frozen with fear and running around in a tizzy, trying to get my husband to take action to no avail. Have you ever noticed an elderly person who keeps their eyes closed even when awake? Your correct, my husband doesn't seem to see any relationship between effort and success and it is toxic. I also suspect that age related issues both mental and physical coupled with his depression result in an inability to act. He doesn't seem to have the margin to consider that I am 20 years his junior and with 2 kids, I just can't accompany him to LaLa land.

Have you pictured what a "new" life looks like? How does it make you feel?

It struck me recently that I don't care about where I live or what I have. All that matters is a happy me, a happy mommy, food, shelter, the basics. You'd think that would be a burden, but I felt a sense of relief, of freedom, of lightness.

Hold tight to your vision and remember it as you take each step, make choices. I'm sure the road will rise to meet you along the way.

Also, I can't offer much with respect to resources, as I'm at the beginning of things right now (exploring the questions I have for myself about what I want). That said, housing co-ops might also be an option.

Truly: You are such a positive person! Thank you for that! The point you make about holding on to your vision is such a important one! I think about being with a man who actually wants to take me out and I melt. In terms of being a happy Mommy, I am afraid that taking on all responsibilities has and will suck the life out of me..then there is thought of having to take my son away from the school and place that he loves and I feel guilty. I am up and down.

This is good advice. It really is about taking one step at a time. Between someone on the board telling me one foot in front of the other and another saying "breathe" I've had some forward momentum. Good luck, notthecrazyone.

Hi Ivy: That's it! Today was a good day (relative to many). I took care of one thing and dared to believe that, if I were diligent, something good could actually happen as a result. Yesterday, I started taking Yoga to address the breathing issue--really. At the end of class, I started to cry (slipped out because I didn't want to be noticed in that state) Anyway, I did realize that I needed to work on my flexibility and when I couldn't do something, I needed to let go. Perfect huh!

It's great when you can see the analogies and metaphors in life around. So glad today was better!

AITCO, LOVE that you're practicing yoga! I have been going to Bikram yoga for a couple of weeks now. I nearly cry every time. And though I don't go to church, the word "amen" keeps running through my head during yoga. Found it curious. Why that word? It means "truly" or SO BE IT.

There's a certain kind of acceptance that happens in this process: as you sit with your pain and acknowledge your needs, your desires. Doesn't mean it's a passive thing. But to stop railing against the sad truth of a SM and move towards defining your SELF... kind of exciting and scary. And so be it.

Isn't the crying thing strange though? I don't mean to cry, I don't want anyone to say "what's wrong" I think it is the desire and the loss. I still don't feel like I can define SELF because I live within the confines of a family. So what is good for me is different from what is good for my husband (senior citizen), my 21 year old child and my little boy.

Nah, I don't think it's strange at all. And in the class nobody should be asking what's wrong. Something amazing happens at yoga. At least that's been my experience... I cried the very first time in JOY, 10ish years ago. I was amazed by it. AND last class i had this week was the best one since I started again. It was a bit easier AND something, as always!, unexpected happened... I had a "yogasm!!!" Didn't even know it was possible (before my first child, I went 4-5x each week). It was such a surprise, and, admittedly, delightful. :) That's the gift of yoga, it takes you on a wild journey!

AND I think it helps define SELF. I want to have an ******! Everyday, in fact. To some extent, that's why you and I are here, isn't it? Turns out that there's one pose, in particular, that is notorious for practitioners to experience a yogasm. Guess what? I CANNOT do that pose. It's physically impossible for me; incredibly painful. Ironic, yes? I'm obviously holding onto something, am blocked. God, I'm so determined to ace that pose now! ((giggle))

As for defining yourself, it's perfectly okay to create a vision for what you want in your life, and to start taking steps toward it. Maybe it's as simple as doing yoga, because its good for you. Or going for coffee, by yourself, or with a confidant, to reflect. Honour yourself. Put yourself first. If you don't put yourself first, and ensure the WHOLE of your being, then what's left of you with which to "take care" of the people, specifically your youngest child, who need you?

Hi Truly: I woke up crying, then I read your comment. I cry everyday out of complete frustration. This morning, I was dreaming of making love with the one I didn't choose to marry...oopps, here comes that intimacy frustration again! Funny thing, it's my yoga day today. Your so right when you say "to some extent, that's why you and I are here" There certainly are other issues as well. Years ago, my gynecologist asked me about mastur...but, I absolutely have to be in a man's arms. In the meantime, I hope that yoga will help me, I am so bewildered. BTW, Your comments are so wonderful!

Yoga will give you some peace today, I hope!

LOL. My comments are wonderful? Will you then appreciate it if I tell you to just ********** and get it over with!? LOL. Yes, it's way better in the company of a beautiful man, but sometimes, well, a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do... ((wink, wink)).

yes, I will appreciate it if you tell me to just ******** and get it over with. Really, after 8 years of celibacy, I just need to be told that it's okay

OMG! Totally okay!!! Just do it! :)

Early in my marriage my girlfriend, who was shocked by the lack of sex in my relationship, threatened to buy me a vibrator if I didn't get one first. Was kind of like permission. ((Just thought I should share that with you.)). :)

8 More Responses

Knowledge is your friend. Find out where it would be best for you and your children to live - where are your familial and friend resources; where are municipal or other government resources to help single, low income parents?

You may qualify for low-income housing, subsidized daycare, help with food, utilities, etc., depending on where you settle. If you belong to a religious organization they may also be of use. There may be money for retraining, etc.

Try to find somewhere with a school system that understands how hard it is for single parents, and that works to give your children the best education they can and the best help in all aspects of life.

Do not be too prideful to ask for help where you can. This was likely my biggest hurdle, but as soon as I started asking for MYSELF (instead of always trying to get everyone else help), LOTS of doors have opened up, including fully subsidized daycare, which has been a blessing.

That mini apartment may or may not be your only hope.

If you live in Canada i may be able to direct you to some resources. Best of luck and keep walking that one-foot-in-front-of-the-other walk...

Love this reply. Far too many of us are so used to being the responsible one to consider that in most civilised societies there ARE organisations and support systms we can access. If you feel your pride is lowered by doing this, know that is only your internal feelings and does NOT have any genuine relationship to the truth. Others do not think less of you for accessing help - they consider you to be wise and pro=active to do so.

Open your mind to possibilities you may not have previously considered. Allow others to offer you help in ways that you may not have previously entertained. And under NO circumstances minimise or downplay the seriousness of your situation. . . ! We have a tendency to say "Oh, it is all right" or "I am OK" when in fact we are NOT! You don't need to lie - just be honest about how difficult your circumstances are - em,otionally, financially, legally etc.

Zsuzsil is pragmatic. And our situations certainly require pragmatism!
I like enna's "Allow others to offer you help in ways that you may not have previously entertained" This is how I have decided to put this one into practice: I intend to be honest with people who care about me and seek out their support. However, I also know that I need to be weary about people who do not care about me and for whom my marital difficulties would simply be fodder for their gossip or an opportunity to take advantage. In practice this has meant that I came to the realization that some people I previously believed were friends (or family) are not.

There are many who are friends and 'family" when we live as they would chose us to live. Many people cannot imagine the mental and emotional toll of a SM takes and unfortunately there is no explaining to someone who has never lived it.

Break the "opinion of man" in your life, choose whats best for you and your child, look for help and KNOW that you do have support here...forget the opinions of those who do not matter.

Kudos for having the strength to take charge of your life. If you refuser wont step up....what other choice do you have?

Blessings.