The Day Of Reckoning (Update) - LeavingA couple of Days ago, after reading a statement left by Bazaar about motivation,
"One (kind of Motivation) is the fear of failure, which can be harnessed and converted into an attitude of working diligently to avoid failure."
I had an epiphany of sorts: I should be fighting for my life and I am not doing enough!
Yes, it's true that I have been severely compromised by the events of the last few years. I am confused, never mind depressed, I am completely distressed. Is this any kind of position from which to make critical decisions that will lead me out of this malaise? No! Will someone, anyone rescue me! Nope! PANIC! OMG, I am alone and there is no one who is going to give me a road map out.
This is not fair! I feel guilty, I feel angry at him, I feel sorry for him. What about my little boy? If I am truly honest with myself, I know that the status quo is best for him. But, all of this doesn't matter because Mom is leaving your Dad. (My husband may not agree to work or even look after our son because it's better for him if I take care of everything and everyone)
I know it's better not to think of him as dead and never expect a thing of him. But truth be told, there are ways in which he can help. The other day, I took him to see a tiny apartment. It was pretty bad but, if we are to live separately, this is what we could afford to do. His responded "Have you ever lived this way with a child?" Then I reminded him that, during a another period of our marriage, we had been separated because of his work and that while pregnant with our son, I had lived in a hole of an apartment with our daughter. I guess fear of failure doesn't motivate him either.
My husband either doesn't want to or can't work. I am going to have to fight to make a living and a path for our children. My husband either doesn't want to or can't be a husband to me. So, whether it's fair or not I am going to have to succeed because I am scared shitless of failure! Ever read about the economics of Single Motherhood? Pretty Bleak, huh?
Oh God, please give me the strength to put one foot in front of the other. Surely the road will rise up to meet me?