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Moving Forward, One Day, Or One Weekend At A Time. :)

I looked back on a reply I made to LaoTzu, and thought it would serve well as a story too.

I've been away from my kids since Wednesday night, as this is my STBX's weekend with them, plus he has Wed/Thu nights.  I don't see them again until tomorrow at 3 pm.  It's been both liberating and lonely.  :(

Earlier, like as in a week or so ago, I just wasn't in a place to truly understand or hear suggestions properly. What I am finally realizing is that I have to be stronger than I think I am, simply because I am. Make sense? This relationship has not put out my fire, just my own respect for self and my own needs. I have beaten myself up for years and questioned all the WHYS of my marriage (and life to be honest) only to realize that I have been seriously undervaluing my own worth, sanity, and purpose on this earth. Living in a SM has been perhaps the most emotionally draining experience of my life. But somehow, I pressed on, desiring children, a successful career, a stable financial life and a fun life at that. However, I was always doing these things ALONE. I never really had a partner that cared enough about me or my needs for so long, that I began to devalue ME. Make sense? So, although I wanted out, I wanted to stay. Even though I knew I was being used and taken advantage of, I stayed. And, even though I knew my life nd marital relationship deserved more, I HOPED it would change, tried my damnedest to make it change, etc. So, letting go of my marriage, when I knew it was the absolute right thing to do, even when some were telling me to fight for it, has been the greatest challenge of all. I do not give up or give in easily, and I certainly don't go down without a fight. Clearly, a character flaw of mine ;).

I think I finally see that living in his toxic, dysfunctional SM has never been healthy, and would never be if we were to stay together. And that honestly, I was abandoned a long, long time ago. So, I guess my STBX actually did me a favor by filing first, because it gives me a way out, even if I also filed two days after him.

The most important takeaway to this, as i finally see it, is this:

I can get out.
I can start over.
I can find new love when I'm ready.
I can build a life that's good for me and my kids.

I can be happy.

txmusicgal txmusicgal 36-40, F 7 Responses Jan 27, 2013

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"I can get out.
I can start over.
I can find new love when I'm ready.
I can build a life that's good for me and my kids.

I can be happy"

If there has been a better summation of the ILIASM situation on these pages, I ain't seen it.

Brilliant.

Rated up.

Tread your own path.

thank you baz. :)

you can do it.dont look back move on.moving on is development.development is positive.surround urself wid positivity.live wid people who encourage ur positivity.

Yes you can and you WILL... you are strong even though at times you will think you are beaten push on because you deserve to be happy and that will make your children happy also. Take your time away from your children to get out and have some fun that will make when you are with your children even better times because you are being happy in your new life. Find a friend or friends and go out to dinner or somewhere to laugh and be happy.
Stay strong you will make it.

thank you omw. :) i had a great weekend with friends as well as by myself. and when i came home yesterday, i was different, my kids were different, we had a great time. we all slept in bed together last night. i have to sleep between them so they don't fight over me, lol. needless to say, it was great to snuggle, but i don't think any of us got good sleep. ;)

thank you...
it has made me think again.....

thank you! hang in there with your own situation. stay strong and seek out good legal advice. don't let your husband clean you out of make you financially unstable. you need to start protecting yourself and your kids asap. glad you are seeing an attorney soon!

glad to see you back & sounding more resolved & upbeat.

yes! you CAN do it--and you will!

in case you haven't read back, i hired my atty this week and am beginning to move forward...albeit slowly as there are some really big wrinkles to iron out that i need to research as much as possible before he can be served. the papers to "stop the clock" will be filed tomorrow, though.

congratulations on gaining some much needed perspective on your strengths. yes, you're a strong person. and--i hope you used some of your "off" time, to do some GOOD for YOU stuff? (mani, pedi, soak in a bubble bath, reading, movie or show(s) you enjoy, cooking something your boys wouldn't enjoy, having microwave popcorn for dinner and contemplating the color of your toenails, just because you could? if not....PLAN on it for the next time you're solo for a couple/few days.

likewise, plan something FUN and special for you and your boys soon as you're back together. set up new routines that are yours, and your boys, that you decide on together, that are fun and make sense for you in your new life together.

xo

thanks smithy!! i just read all your stories again. i can't believe he's been pulling financial shite on you this whole time. I'm SO proud of you for filing!!

i did use my off time to do some good stuff. wednesday night i went to a concert with girlfriends. thur. and fri. i hung at the hotel thingy and drank wine and vegged out on tv. sat. morning i went to brunch with a girlfriend, got my car washed and saw a movie that night (alone! for the first time in forever!!) and today went to brunch with another girlfriend and gabbed. then came home to see the boys. :)

i came home to see them today at 3 with new haircuts and they seemed so grown up, just in the 4 nights i hadn't seen them. :( i put them to bed together in the same room and we all snuggled. made me so appreciative that i have kids, even though i will always have to co-parent with my STBX.

xo back atchya. :)

Tx, if you ever watch those "real life" diet shows, you will see the Trainer telling the overweight person this:
"You CAN do it (exercise, etc.) - you just don't BELIEVE that you can."

Beliefs are very powerful and once you can change your beliefs - as you have done!! - then anything is possible!! Good for you. Keep believing in yourself - and your life WILL get better. {{{hugs}}}

thank you enna! amazing what separation does for the psyche. living together through this ordeal was awful for all of us. having a temporary arrangement in place helps immensely, allowing us space to breathe and to actually begin the separation process. it's easier to keep emotions at bay this way, at least for me.

and life WILL get better!! i know it will. :) xoxo.

Glad to see a new story. You sound so much better already. It gives me hope.

thanks UJ! letting go is SO freaking hard. it's so much easier said than done, at least for me. :( but like i just told enna, the physical space in our temporary agreement has allowed me to take emotions out of the equation, simply because we are not living together anymore. our priority is our kids, and to me at least, getting a final agreement in place without underhanded tactics. I can't say the same for STBX, as he set the tone for combativeness the minute he filed. he broke my trust all over again by going behind my back and filing. but oh well. what's done is done, and i can only move forward. i just hope i get a fair and equitable settlement so i can move forward and not backward.