Moving Forward, One Day, Or One Weekend At A Time. :)
I looked back on a reply I made to LaoTzu, and thought it would serve well as a story too.
I've been away from my kids since Wednesday night, as this is my STBX's weekend with them, plus he has Wed/Thu nights. I don't see them again until tomorrow at 3 pm. It's been both liberating and lonely. :(
Earlier, like as in a week or so ago, I just wasn't in a place to truly understand or hear suggestions properly. What I am finally realizing is that I have to be stronger than I think I am, simply because I am. Make sense? This relationship has not put out my fire, just my own respect for self and my own needs. I have beaten myself up for years and questioned all the WHYS of my marriage (and life to be honest) only to realize that I have been seriously undervaluing my own worth, sanity, and purpose on this earth. Living in a SM has been perhaps the most emotionally draining experience of my life. But somehow, I pressed on, desiring children, a successful career, a stable financial life and a fun life at that. However, I was always doing these things ALONE. I never really had a partner that cared enough about me or my needs for so long, that I began to devalue ME. Make sense? So, although I wanted out, I wanted to stay. Even though I knew I was being used and taken advantage of, I stayed. And, even though I knew my life nd marital relationship deserved more, I HOPED it would change, tried my damnedest to make it change, etc. So, letting go of my marriage, when I knew it was the absolute right thing to do, even when some were telling me to fight for it, has been the greatest challenge of all. I do not give up or give in easily, and I certainly don't go down without a fight. Clearly, a character flaw of mine ;).
I think I finally see that living in his toxic, dysfunctional SM has never been healthy, and would never be if we were to stay together. And that honestly, I was abandoned a long, long time ago. So, I guess my STBX actually did me a favor by filing first, because it gives me a way out, even if I also filed two days after him.
The most important takeaway to this, as i finally see it, is this:
I can get out.
I can start over.
I can find new love when I'm ready.
I can build a life that's good for me and my kids.
I can be happy.