My Mind Is Racing

My mind is moving ahead without my heart.
When I question my sanity, I remind myself the sad facts:
1) I've given my refuser 8 yrs to accept my invitation to therapy/counselling
2) We haven't been intimate for almost 6 years
3) He isn't going to change
4) I can't live like this anymore
These truths push me forward, though the fear of the unknown is paralyzing.
My heart is breaking. I can feel it being torn apart, almost hear it. I hope it will eventually catch up to my mind, but for now it is dragging along behind.
Unjusted Unjusted
41-45, F
4 Responses Jan 27, 2013

I often wonder about this feeling - when I see it applied in ILIASM shithole marriages.

And, I am inclined to the view that we often get it arse about, and that what is happening in the dynamic is that the heart has broken and thus the leaving becomes just a matter of time. Under that pressure, the heart will send you a series of painful reminders that it actually broke a while back.

Personal opinion only. I am certainly not trying to trivialise what you Sister U (and other members) have felt and are feeling.

Tread your own path.

Apparently I use a lot of analogies when I write or discuss my feelings...
It really does feel like my heart is in a vice, pressed by all of the emotions associated with living as the refused in a SM.
I guess I could also say my mind was shattered as I became overwhelmed with various stressful events and circumstances (including the SM). I sank into a depression (which in turn caused impaired concentration and memory), and only now after countless doctor appointments, therapy sessions, and participating here, have I begun to piece myself back together. It seems some of the pieces don't fit where they did before though, and I will never be the same again. This may not be a bad thing... Diamonds are also created under pressure, so maybe I am a priceless gem in the making :)
So with both impaired mental capabilities and heart function, these separate organs are helping each other claw their way back to health with hopes of a brighter future ahead.
As always Bazzar, thanks for your comments :)


Although you fear the unknown isn't the known cause enough for great fear? For the last 12 years my husband has CHOSEN to neglect my physical and emotional needs. His DECISION has caused me great pain. I have felt unwanted, undesireable, unattractive, empty and incredibly sad. I miss the intimacy and the love I felt during hte first three years of our marriage before it all changed. I don't know if your relationship ever had that - those moments of shared love - but I imagine so or you would not have agreed to a lifetime of this.

My husband has gone through counseling. However, there is something within him that doesn't allow him to see me. To understand that I have needs and feelings that he should nurture. Instead he is happy as long as there isn't any fighting. But I cannot live like this anymore. I need to feel the warmth of another person. I want to spend my life with someone who longs to touch me. I can't just put my feelings and desires in a box and leave them o gather dust until my husband decides that he'd like to be intimate every once in a while.

It's not enough. It's not enough for me and it's not enough for you. We only get one chance at life. Do you really want to spend it wishing your life were different? Or do you want to take the steps to make your life different?

Sure your heart is torn. As is mine. Your family, your friends...I get it. At the end of it all, the only one you have to be accountable to is yourself. Can you live with the regret of staying and shortchanging your own hapiness? There is someone out there dreaming of holding you just the way you are - while you're staying in a marriage that doesn't fulfill you.

I hear you. It is hard to get your heart & mind in the right place. Truth is , you may always love him (as a friend). I am still in my marriage but am deciding my path. I think if I do leave I will tell him that while I don't want out of our friendship, I do want out of our marriage. People are right who post on here, the only difference between friendship & marriage is the s** & we haven't been intimate in years. I too have talked to him about counseling or if he wants to fix it (he says he does)--of which NOTHING ever comes of it, even the times I tell him I've went so far as to be looking at apartments in the area so I could move out (2x), it does nothing to spur him into action. If anything, I am a little bitter about telling him my needs & the consequences of me leaving if things don't change---then he doesn't do anything to try to fix our marriage. Are you bitter/etc. in this area too, considering you have brought up your displeasure in the marriage? Hope all works out for you & you gain the wisdom & strength to do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF. Take care & God Bless :)

Thanks for responding, I appreciate your support. You asked if I was bitter that my husband hasn't made any attempts to fix our marriage - I am frustrated, hurt, confused and sad. I was bitter too, but I feel sorry for him. He can't possibly be happly, and I don't think he will ever truly be. I recently became aware that he suffers from a personality disorder (not a confirmed diagnosis, but I know him better than anyone), and I am now able to understand that he is unable to be intimate with me as that would require him to lose control - something he is unable to do. His symptoms have gradually worsened over the last few years, and I suppose this is one of the reasons I didn't realize he was so ill.
I may need to use your quote, "I don't want out of our friendship, I do want out of our marriage." I fear that he will be unreasonable and uncooperative, but I sincerely hope that we can remain amicable.

Yes, I keep thinking of the day if I decide to leave how I will do it.? Do I wait & tell him face to face or do I move some stuff out while he is at work & leave a note. I think the mature & respectful thing to do would be to tell him face to face. Although, we have talked face to face numerous times about our problems & he just looks @ me like I've grown another head. Moving some stuff out while he's at work with a note explaining why would probably be the least amount of drama---if I decide to leave my mind will be made up & I don't want to be "talked" into staying because I'm afraid of hurting his feelings or he's upset. He hasn't cared about my feelings in 20years. I just figure a note with a cool down for a couple of days/ or no talking justing texting communication for a few days would allow everything to cool down a bit & lessen any drama. On top of that, I have a child so I know I would need to talk to him soon regarding her. But if I do leave I want a clean/no drama break. The above choices may sound like the cowards way out (& I'm no coward) but I believe the whole SM thing is a total mind game & we have been kept so confused in our marriages that if I get a moment of clarity that puts everything in perspective & tells me to leave then I don't want to risk being face to face with him & it getting muddled up again as I'm making my "escape." lol. Does that make sense?

I feel for you, honey. I've tried 3 different marriage counselors with my refuser, and for some reason or another each one hasn't worked. Refusers seem to find a way to defeat therapy for a fair amount of the time, mainly because I think they are blocking something that they don't want to admit to.

To be honest, I have found that couples therapy is great if the couple is having the issues. But in many cases here, it's the refuser who has the bulk of the issues and baggage ... and we are left to cope with the crap that follows.

Here's the thing ... some of us have a much longer rope, or a much more conservative upbringing, or a penchant for self-torture, and so we stay in these relationships longer than others. But each of us will reach a point where we simply don't give a s**t anymore and will leave or sabotage the marriage or philander ourselves blind simply because we can't take it anymore. And leaving is really the best option of all of those, except is isn't the path we always take.

You will find your way ... just know there are many of us out here with you and pulling for you and suffering with you.

"I have found that couples therapy is great if the couple is having the issues. But in many cases here, it's the refuser who has the bulk of the issues and baggage ... and we are left to cope with the crap that follows."
I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out. I kept blaming myself, making excuses for him, and hoping for change. I can say confidently that I did everything in my power to save our marriage, and have finally realized that I'm not to blame. Things between us have changed, simply because I have changed. A friend texted me yesterday, "You can suffer the pain of change, or suffer the pain of remaining the way you are." In order to save my own life, I can no longer remain. My friend texted me another post worth sharing... "Sometimes when things see to be falling apart, they are actually falling into perfect place."
Thanks for responding Blue. I appreciate your company. Peace be with you.