Sitting Here On A Saturday Night ...

Wife has gone to bed. I'm zoning out, listening to music, watching reruns of Mad Men, a little buzzed.

I used to participate in this group a while back at SolitaryMan, and now I'm back.

My marriage is still sexless, still in limbo, and I'm still unhappy and unfulfilled. We've had "the talk" a few times now. We know what the problems are, or at least we know where they start. They started with her not wanting sex anymore, not wanting intimacy anymore. But they're now my problems, too. My inability to do anything about them. My fatigue in trying to do something about them. My cowardice in making any big statements or drawing that final line in the sand.

And right now it's my cowardice that is killing me. Well, the lack of intimacy and sex is killing me, too, but my cowardice is keeping me from the intimacy. It's odd how one's whole take on humanity sours when you're dying for the touch of another human being. Everyone and everything has a shadow over it. In my opinion, touch and passion are essential to life ... like water and food and music and a snort of fine bourbon (granted ... the latter is an acquired taste). But for some people it isn't. So how do you stay married to someone who doesn't find the touch of a human being essential to life?

I'm not here for sympathy, because I don't really deserve it. I've put myself in this position. I'm also not here for advice, because I know what I should do. I'm here to be heard and to feel like I'm not alone, because that give me the strength to get through another day and try to find my way out of this.

Thanks for listening to me ... let me know if I can ever return the favor.
BlueMinotaur BlueMinotaur
8 Responses Jan 27, 2013

I don't know what hurts more, coming here tonight after a long time away (I posted here long ago, as you did), or having you sum up my situation and feelings so accurately. I especially get the cowardice part--all my life I was the guy who took initiative, who believed no one should ever "settle" in life, and yet here I am, settling for so many years now. Just as bad, the hit to my self-esteem (it's a punch to the gut to not feel desirable) has leaked into other areas of my life. But we're not cowards, we're in some stage of grief, and the one thing we deserve is to believe we'll struggle through to a better and brighter day. Hang in there.

I remember you - and that Neil Diamond avater.

Good to see you.

Tread your own path.

Dude, stop being so hard on yourself. You do deserve that personal touch... get the self dout and pity out of your head or you will always believe it. Talk with this group. You belong here and are wanted. When you realize that you are not alone or are terminally unique, you might decide to make a change. Welcome back!

My goodness, blue one. You are low. What's all this you don't deserve it. Everyone but everyone deserves to be happy. There are no exceptions. There comes a point where there is no green grass on this side of the hill. It cannot be any more barren on the other side so it is or is it time to start planning your trip. You may know what you have to do but you won't take the first step without making a plan. An exit plan?
You say you don't want any advice. I'll give you some anyway else you'll end up 28 years down the road of a fruitless miserable apology for a marriage (like me) thinking you could have done this years ago and how easy it is.
You are the most important person in your life.
First, get yourself a copy of Desiderata off the internet and keep it in your pocket. Keep reminding yourself that you have a right to be here.....
Second, book four or five days away on your own somewhere where you can walk and enjoy the scene, the sea, nature. Somewhere you can breathe and breathe in. Go into pubs or cafes and watch people and couples. People in relationships or just friends. Happy people. See if you can say I want some of that. Write down a few thoughts.
Start to think of a plan to make your life better. If that plan includes your marriage exit plan then so be it.
Don't dare say you don't have five days to spare. It's the rest of your life at stake here. You may have a friend you can stay with. It's probably important that you find some space outside your sad environment. There may be other ways of doing this.
You can do this......

Been there done that. Now I am on my own and very happy. No more misery, no more walking on ice. My life is in my hands. It is up to me to do with it as I see fit. It was tough to finally leave but there comes a point when you realize that all you are doin is just exsisting. Why not live again? You only get one shot at life and every day gone is a day that you will never get back.

Can't offer any fix. I can only say, it doesn't change, doesn't get better, the hurt never stops. It is Sunday morning, I had a carbon copy of your Saturday night. The solution is so blatantly obvious, yet so incredibly difficult.

The days just go by - roommates.

Someone posted that it is not possible for a person to go from asexual to pro-sexual. I wonder if that is true, or is it more specific to two individual people? As years of refusal pass eventually the refused just gives up. In my case, my desires were either rebuffed or made to feel weird or gross. So now the interaction extends far beyond sexual desires. There is a strain relative to everything we do.

Relative to sex - I have no sexual desire for my wife. Not that she is not attractive, but intimacy requires a complete "giving", openness and raw passion. I simply cannot imagine achieving that level of comfort in my relationship.

So ---- why do we stay, why do we continue on? (It is a rhetorical question, I think it is simply a matter of what point do we each - individually cross that threshold and realize there is more to life, and achieving it is worth the pursuit, and all of the pain that will come in the transition.)

Once you fall out of love you can forget about intimacy. Neither really want that once you are to that stage.

Well said. Same reason I here for.