In Response To Dave Shipley - Biblical Expectations For Sex In A Marriage.

The Sexless Marriage Trap

We often find that when we write about one side of the issue of low sexual desire in marriage, as Brad did in his post, The Sexless Marriage Catch 22, those who find themselves on the other side comment and ask questions. In order to understand low sexual desire it is important to always remember that both husbands and wives can and do suffer from this. It is definitely not exclusively a woman or wife issue. Just as both women and men are vastly different in many ways, so can the reasons be for low sexual desire in marriage. Brad talked about wives who are not having sex, today I want to address some hang-ups when it is the husband who is not having sexual intimacy in their marriage. Lack of sex in marriage is a real issue for the wives married to these men.

Sexual Desperation

Fact: Married couples are not designed to go without sex for any long duration of time. God’s word is actually quite clear on this:

“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT)

The reason for Paul’s abundant clarity in this message is probably because sexless marriages were an issue even back when he with writing. Paul says it as clear as possible; “If you stop having sex, make it only for a short period of time.”

txmusicgal txmusicgal
36-40, F
3 Responses Jan 27, 2013

I visited his blog site. Very nice...and if you are in a family situation where his "10 steps" might be seen as anything other than insanity perhaps they would even produce fruit. But one thing consistently bothered me in his blog ....the things he suggests doing...may be fine...but he gives no answer as to what might one do when one is married to someone that has simply stated _ to others even_ that she is glad to be rid of this annoyance called sex. So - I typed a portion of my story into his comment section and said - what then Dave?Maybe we will get an answer....or maybe an 11th step....dunno...lets see...? here<br />
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Addendum:<br />
<br />
After two exchanges on his blog - Dave has actually been helpful (his final advice is something that sounds very much like having "the talk") <br />
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The real value is in that after reading his post there and thinking on it - he has made every effort to say (with Christian overtones) that embarking on an effort to improve yourself and let go of all the hurt that YOU have may have an effect if there is anything left on the other side. I am already doing that. And each day only seems to cement the idea that no matter what I do - the result will be the same. <br />
<br />
I await the gates..still. And then there will be the talking.....I suspect the walking will follow.

<p>I too have a Q for Dave.</p><p>How do I get the alloy head off my 96 Ford's cast engine block ?<br />
With all the head bolts removed, the head is still stuck to the block, in fact you can still start it !!<br />
I know "why" this is happening (it is the different heating / cooling rates between the head (alluminium) and the block (cast iron) and the gasket in between them re-acting in some way.<br />
But it is stuck solid.<br />
What can I do Dave ?</p>PS / Addendum - forgot the usual info. Car has done a touch over 200,000k. Everything is great with the car bar it being undriveable.

lmao. awesome baz. ;)

Question for Daveshipley:

PREAMBLE: This forum deals with those marriages where sexual denial exists over long periods - in many cases years, and in lots of cases decades. The absence of sexual intimacy in the ILIASM marriage is NOT of the "Not tonight honey - I've got a head-ache" variety. Rather it is pervasive, chronic and without any possible resolution.

In fact these are marriages in which ONE spouse (without warning, without consultation and certainly without any intention to reconsider) has made the unilateral decision to remove sexual intercourse - and hence sexual intimacy, communication and passion - from the marriage.

The "refused" spouse then embarks on a long campaign of trying to resolve this situation. Every possible "solution" is trialled. NOTHING works. Eventually the refused spouse tries to simply repress the need for sexual intimacy and live without it.

After a time, this repression results in a further degradation of the marital union. Without the nurturing of an intimate relationship, the spouses grow apart, And the refused spouse is vulnerable to being attracted to others in order to meet the needs that their OWN spouse refuses to meet. . . . .

Despite the most fervent efforts of the refused spouse, the natural human inclination to need sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT) reasserts itself.

QUESTION: How, daveshipley, do you propose to resolve this situation without divorce?

I would also like an answer from Dave. I am a devout Christian, but think that most answers Ministers give are simplistic horsesh*t! Sometimes there are no situations that can be resolved.

Well, when a friend of mine was looking for an annullment with the catholic church, her reasons were,
Lack of sexual intimacy, adultery, and her h's refusal to seek counselling. The church never tried to convince her to try more or harder (5 years already, 2 kids) The anullment was granted. Of course, this is in Canada, little more liberal?...

I'd love to hear what daveshipley has to say.....

Dave! DAVE!! Calling Dave to the counter. . . !!

he's got nothing enna. nothing at all. he doesn't view it the same way we do. i'm a christian, but is reading a book about prayer (like my stbx asked me to do to save our marriage, wtf) REALLY going to fix all of the other issues?? NO. without a willing spouse who is ready and able to admit faults, shortcomings and mistakes, without a spouse who doesn't WANT to change or improve themselves for a marriage or relationship of any kind, there can be no resolution. it takes two to tango. and god is not going to drop a bomb on a refuser's head and make them see what they need to see unless they are willing to see it for themselves. God cannot fix such dysfunctional relationships like this. God does not WANT us to live like this. So to people like Dave, who believe all they need to do is PRAY more to save their SM, I call BS. Prayer is not going to fix what is already so far broken that it can never be repaired.

Again, it takes TWO to tango here.

(you already know this, just rambling ;) )

Nice! Agree with you!

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