I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Depressed AND I'M Out Of Coffee!

By: cvann5

Written on January 27th, 2013

Here I sit in bed on a Sunday morning feeling like I am alone and going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't feel like going to Church, getting out of bed, eating, being personally hygienic, or making any more coffee! That is saying something since I am a coffee addict!

I think I might need to key an eye on this depression I seem to have slumped into. I vacillate between feeling guilty about my marriage crashing down around me and angry about it also. I want to see my children, but that means interacting with my soon-to-be-ex (hereafter referred to as simply ex). I need to get in into my head that this is over.

I feel this need to be attached to someone, that I belong. I feel lost without that anchor. But I don't know if I can have a healthy relationship right now. Oh I miss sex, but I also miss being held, that feeling of... It's going to be all right.
WTF, I haven't had any meaningful sex in nearly 6 years? Life isn't supposed to be like this. I'm not suicidal, but what's the point if life stays like this.

I have been posting on these boards for a couple of years now and posting about how I wanted my marriage to change... then how I wanted out of my SM. Now that day has arrived and I feel abandoned, and like an abandoner. How long does it take to get out of this funk, if ever?
C

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By: cvann5

Age: 51-55 , Male

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14 responses

bazzar

Do you actually need to be "in a relationship" to feel "complete" ?
That is the subtext I am reading, and that is NOT good.
Have you, as part of your exit strategy, consulted with anyone (support group / mentor / professional) to assist you manage your way through this upheaval in your life ?
Might be worth your while sourcing such assistance.
Tread your own path.

Jan 27
4 likes
- cvann5
  I do sort of feel that way yes. I have some assistance, but not enough. This is where I come most of the time.
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
- enna30
  This is a great goal - fior your future. Tell yourself "it will happen". But don't expect it to happen NOW and thuus be part of your Exit Plan.
  I endorse whole-heartedly Baz's suggestion for support. Depression is a NASTY illness and situational depression is extremely common in sexless marriages. For men it often manifests as feelings of intense anger. Therapy and / or drg treatment might well be in order. Depression has a sneaky way of becoming SERIOUS if it is not addressed in the early stages - so please don't put off getting help.
  And seek out help from a friend or relation to help you negotiate contact with your Ex over the children. I suggest it is NOT a woman friend (might inflame your STBX!) but a male friend (or brother or your Dad) could be the best way to access the kids without your STBX venting on you. (Most people are more restrained in the presence of a third party.)
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
- cvann5
  Thanks for the suggestion!
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
zsuzsilowinger

Well you definitely belong on here, so there you go... from one who is going through it to, hang in there.

Jan 27
4 likes
- cvann5
  Thanks Z!
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
smithy8015

c, this too, shall pass. if you haven't already, recommend you find lao's profile and read "time to sit with your pain," as well as the responses.
in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to first rediscover you. you're in the first stages of mourning. give yourself time to grieve. in addition to the support here, try to connect with an IRL person or persons for support, hugs, shoulder leaning, for these rough days. or, find yourself a boxing bag, hook it up, and have a go on days when you're angry. get some good zen tea for days today when you're feeling down. if you're a music person, top up your collection with songs to boost your mood and play it when you want/need to.
and hey, you can now indulge in what one of the sitcoms called obsessive secret single behaviours. like microwave popcorn and hot chocolate for dinner. or pretzels and coffee for breakfast. or mangoes and asparagus for dinner. (not really but i in fact have done the popcorn hot cocoa for dinner in the past). the point to the last few sentences? have some fun exploring your life and what works (truly works) for YOU. what you think is fun, silly, good, not good, boring, a PITA, you could do a lot of, you don't want to do anymore, you'd like to do with your kids, etc., etc. explore. learn. grow.
as you do? you'll discover also that the time passes in its own way and you've actually (surprise!) enjoyed some/most of it.
keep posting. stay strong. good luck. and remember...your current state of mind is temporary.

Jan 27
3 likes
- enna30
  Great suggestions from Smithy!! I also suggest a small "reward" for yourself at least once a day - a perfect cup of coffee at your favourite coffee shop; a massage; a visit to a friend; a trip to the movies . . . whatever YOU would like. Helps you not to get too sunk in misery. . . .
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
- cvann5
  Now I LIKE that suggestion! Coffee... Most definitely coffee. Oral sex is slightly ahead of coffee, but I think that's out of the question at the moment!.... or was that wildly inappropriate?
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
- cvann5
  What is lao's full username?
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
- smithy8015
  laotzu
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
- enna30
  If the oral sex opportunity presents itself, definitely GO for it!!!
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
- cvann5
  Oh yeah, like that's going to happen!
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
- cvann5
  Thank you!
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
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