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Is Marriage All It'S Cracked Up To Be?

Since getting married 6 and a half years ago, intimacy with my wife has ceased altogether. I have tried everything to reignite the fire but to no avail. When we talk, my wife always has ten excuses to not have sex. She says she enjoys it when we do but can't bring herself to do it. Work that one out?? I'm 36, keep myself fit and am reasonably handsome. I try to communicate openly but it's like she has a swinging brick for a heart. Is this just a woman thing in general? I now have no confidence, no self worth and feel myself battling within myself on a daily basis. Could this maybe be the reality that is the rest of my life?
Hansolo1j Hansolo1j 31-35, M 12 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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As others have pointed out earlier, I agree that sometimes sexually incompatible couples end up together and neither get their needs met. I would add to that something I have found in my own life...never trust anyone under 30. By that I mean you can't depend upon the person you fell in love with at 20 will be the same person at 30. I have found people are still sorting out who they will be until about age 30 and the person that start out as may or may not be the same person they are at 30. Some people don't change during this time, some do...and it isn't about them changing into a "bad person", it is about them changing into someone who just isn't a good fit for you any more. Unfortunately for me, I wasted over 23 years with someone who changed in her 20's from someone who really fit well with me to someone who is completely incompatible with me. The last three years we didn't have sex at all and the 10-15 years before that it was a rare occurance. My advice is to get things sorted out with her quickly (preferably with professional help), or cut your loses and move on with life. Life is too short to be miserable and there are others out there who would love to have the chance to show you a different life. I speak from experience, I found one who makes me incredibly happy.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that my ex was also seeing another married man for at least a year or two prior to her filing for divorce...a family friend no less. So, if she's not getting it at home, there's a good chance she's getting it somewhere else.

Thanks for the advice, I've talked to her and waited patiently for a positive outcome but recently its went downhill rapidly. I'm now being told she wants no sexual relations, no intimacy and little affection as she doesn't want to tease me and make me think it will lead to something else. She has refused help so I think I'm done. Onwards and upwards!!

Sounds like there is nothing to work with, so it is time to cut your losses and move on.

Brother Hansolotj no this is not a women thing. Read up here. The ratio of women suffering in sexless marriages is just as high as men.

I completley sympathise with your feelings of low self worth etc, but you have the power to change this.

You can choose whether you want to stay and put up with this behavour or you can take a stand round off the bill and present her with the account owing.

Her outbursts of all you want is one thing are laugahable (except to you of course) and i will tell you straight out that your wife does like sex just not with you. This is a harsh reality to face up to but one you need to come to terms with.

If i were you i would be looking into the possibillity that she might be having an affair. I have noted that you previously mentioned that she had an emotional affair but are you sure thats all it was? She has probably gas lighted you and trickle truthed you regarding details and loving partners like yourself are all to quick to believe their spouse's lies.

I am speaking from experience on these issues as i am of similiar age and recently discovered some hard truths myself.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thanks man, don't think she is seeing anyone else. But thanks for the advice, some good points you make :)

Frustrated - not all of us have spouses who actually want to have sex with other people. That's not guaranteed. My husband has never had sex with anyone else than me. Is there someone out there he'd rather have sex with? Maybe. Is there someone out there with whom he'd have a better sex life? Possibly. Is there someone out there that he'd have tons of hot sex with? I really, really don't think so.

We can't know what's in someone else's head. But whether our spouses just don't want to have sex with anyone or would rather have sex with someone else, the only thing we can know for sure is that they don't want to have sex with us.

No not a woman thing.my husband and I have had sex four times in the last year. It's not me that does not want it. I feel ugly and not appreciated and every other bad feeling. Truth is I'm attractive and alotof fun. Just think I married the wrong person as well ,

I feel your pain, think I'm sitting at the four or five times a year point just now, if that...even then I'm not comfortable as I have all of this in my head and I know she is only doing it to appease me which feels so wrong.

Please do something,should work it out and hansolo...if i had your freqency of 4 I will surely freak out! Marriage is meant for both of you a garden of EDEN...not a monastery in Tibet...when I read this and the number of men and ladies involve...I wonder what is wrong with this world... holy and recognize bed undefiled but not use...on the other side..a ***** see 8-10 men per night and immoral acts of sleeping with bro.sis.father.mother,son,daughter...anybody can give me a clue????

She may just have low self esteem for some reason right now. Ive found recently that ive been neglecting my fiance because ive gained 20 pounds and i feel absolutely disgusting about myself. Its not just that but i have so much stress in my life right now and its extremely hard to concentrate while having sex. It has nothing to do with my fiance, he does everything right. hes good looking and treats me like a queen, but i am just so stressed and have such low self esteem that i avoid having sex at all costs because it is such a chore to pretend to be into it.

I have tried to address the self esteem issues, took her to the gym, she didn't like it. Taken her out long walks, hillwalking, finds an excuse not to do it. I've encouraged her to join fitness groups like Zumba and similar things, not interested. So she can complain about being a few pounds over( personally I think she looks stunning) but my opinion doesn't seem to count.

hansolo...I get it!!!!She is sligtly depress and feels she is not good for even you...and is afraid she can,t satisfy you!my guess! So just say Ineed you so bad...and just do it and show and demonstrate you really enjoy her!!!!PLEASE!!!

-----" I now have no confidence, no self worth and feel myself battling within myself on a daily basis."

While you cannot change your wife, you CAN change your own behavior. Starting with the above. Invest in yourself - regardless of your marital circumstance. There is no more intimate relationship than the one you have with yourself.

" Could this maybe be the reality that is the rest of my life?"

No, it will probably get WORSE.

So it is up to you to move things off top dead center, to challenge the sexless status quo.

Be willing to pay the price too.

Keep reading on here you will find something of value.

To keep politically correct I will use the word "some" in some critical places. For some men and some women, sex is like enjoying dessert. You don't need training to enjoy dessert. For some men and some women, sex is like country bicycling. Sure they enjoy it, but it requires training and stamina. You can carry these analogies to greater extremes, such as "sex is as natural to me as breathing" vs. "sex is like trapeze to me, exhilarating, but a lot of upfront investment and risk". Of course the most fortunate situation is that the dessert guys get in bed with dessert gals, and the trapeze folks keep to themselves. Reality, as you have discovered, is all messed up: the trapeze artist ends up with dessert smeared all over her costume, and the bicyclist does not like to breath (ok, not quite sober).

Well if you are someone handsome then we should start our own emotional affair online,
I am not hot or tall, but I can make you laugh till your sides split.
Sorry for your troubles, I have no words to make you feel better as I am battling my very own battle from hell.
As baz said it ***** with your head, soon you will question everything what is real, what is not, and if it ever was.
This isn't easy and the only way out is through, and that hurt as well.
Best of luck.

Lol, laughter is underestimated in my opinion, it can turn a difficult day into a great day :). Your message made me smile so you have the gift to cheer people up. Thanks :)

On your blog -----"To make matters worse i noticed messages on her Facebook from an old boyfriend and it seems she has been having an online or emotional affair."

That might be one reason.

A lady loved to be wanted...talk and touch her lovingly the whole day...tell her you love her..daily, text her then always gently touch her.. massage her in bed...2 hours.....you are already married 6 years...if you don't seduce her..and arouse her...you want me to do the job?Ha! Ha! God forbid! My wife will kill me!Okay if you don't get me...this is what the gigolo in my country did...they gave a complete rub down from head to toes...then they massage the neck. back hands, feet..and so on... for 2-4 hours before the final works...so friend your wife is married to you right??? She deserve better tratment than a gigolo !!!!

Isn't that simple bro, my wife is frigid to the touch, if she is not doing anything and I go to hug her or kiss her she cuts off and makes out there's something needing done. I have tried many times to set the scene but it gets a bit embarrassing when she shows no enthusiasm at all. A kiss is like an electric shock, meaning its over before it starts. Probably better off getting her a gigilo lol

"Could this maybe be the reality that is the rest of my life?"

It maybe could be... but it doesn't HAVE to be. It really really doesn't. You can choose a different life at any moment you wish. You just have to get to the point where you say enough is enough. We all get to that point in our own time and I wish there was a way to tell you how to rush it but one day... you'll wake up and think "I deserve more."

that is not all women i promise.i am so not like that. just means that the marriage has run its course in my opinion.

no such thing, lady delish...we can rekindle the fire!....Trust me!!!

Dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices, that then feed back into the dysfunctional loop.

Although you haven't mentioned any such thing, I'd be betting she has been able to turn it on long enough to have a kid, then turned it off again.

If I am incorrect in this assumption, and there are no kids, then what exactly would you be waiting for here ?

Tread your own path.

Addendum - I note in another part of your EP writings that you suspect she is having an affair. That was probably worth a mention in your story given the context.

I have tried massages but you would need to want one in the first place, I have taken her away for a romantic weekend only to be accused of wanting one thing. Laughable really when I don't pester her for months at a time. The point that I feel I'm pestering her is even worse. The online thing was a month long emotional thing with an old boyfriend which we spoke at length about and thought it was sorted. Things always go back to the same old. If I hadn't tried everything I know then I would not be seeking answers from other great people like yourselves. Just trying to understand what it is that I don't have??? Just feel so alone and I know I shouldn't. When I bring this up with the wife I somehow feel shallow and that in itself is wrong.

It's not wrong. Time for you to decide what you want, and lay it on the line.

Hans, I don't see many on this board suggesting marital therapy ...but I will though I am not at all a success story.. Perhaps your wife is depressed and needs her own therapist too. I once used to refuse my husband as I had not yet come to terms with being a married with children housewife AND because my expectations of our life together were not being met financially nor socially...and his own response to my dissatisfaction led me to believe he was cheating... So nothing is so black/white ...Romance is not just the cliche roses for some of us..as I'm a bit vain/social I love to be paraded/introduced in front of people/friends/family that my husband knows...I like to hear my husband compliment me to his friends...Perhaps your wife might have a different version of romance than you? "The Five Love Languages" really helped another couple I know...good luck.

Earchres, it is clear you have not read very widely here! I am among the most frequent of posters suggesting therapy! I encourage individuals to seek individual therapy because it helps each of us to more clearly understand ourselves, our situations and our choices.

Marital therapy is only likely to have a success rate if BOTH Parties are equally keen to resolve the issues. In a SM this is rarely the case. The Refuser partner does not want a resolution that involves him or her having to have sex!! Heaven Forbid! That being the case, marital therapy is unhelpful for MOST ILIASM couples.

I apologize, there is a lot too read...and it's scary stuff too..and I guess I am discovering what you said about therapy though my husband was the one to suggest it...I guess I still wrestle with my own contribution to the demise of our marriage..

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