UnlearningBazzar recently commented in the forum about all the unlearning you have to do after a SM. To me it's almost like deprogramming yourself after leaving a cult.
Here is an example: something my passive aggressive STBX used to do ALL the time was come home late without calling. I begged him so many times to just let me know if he was going to be really late, like after 2am. I didn't care if he stayed out all night, I just wanted to know so I didn't worry he was dead or in the hospital. It's not inconceivable that he could get mugged or something coming home drunk i the wee hours in NYC. This behavior started at the very beginning of living together and continued sporadically until the end. I felt like it was so mean and insensitive. Why should I have to stay up frantic with worry when all he had to do was send me a two word text message, "home late??" I can't tell you how many times I barely slept because I was so worried. As you can probably tell, it was a big issue with me.
Yesterday when my boyfriend left, he mentioned he had some plans last night but they weren't confirmed. I wasn't sure if he was coming over or not later on---we never made plans but sometimes he shows up after work (he's a musician and keeps late hours). I texted him at 12:45am and didn't hear back, so I just went to sleep. I thought when I woke up this morning he would have replied, but he hadn't, and surprise surprise, I started to worry/get pissed off.
Finally I just texted him to make sure he was ok and he immediately called to say he was sorry he didn't get back to me etc etc. He didn't see the text until very late and assumed I was asleep.
But suddenly, I was SO UPSET I felt like bursting into tears and throwing up at the same time---total sexless marriage (or maybe passive aggressive spouse) PTSD. He didn't actually do anything wrong, we didn't have plans and it's not a big deal. But I had too get off the phone quick before I started crying. WTF? It's like all the years of being angry at my STBX have made me so super-sensitized to this one issue that all those feelings of hurt/frustration/anger came flooding back at once. Apparently, these feelings are still very raw, and it surprised me how easily they were triggered by this one small event.
I guess it takes time to let this crap go...
nyartgal 36-40, F 7 Responses 3 Jan 28, 2013