Unlearning

My rough estimate is that I will take about 285 years to heal from the day I leave. And another 300 or so years until I can look at a woman with romantic intent. Allow another couple centuries to get adjusted to sharing body fluids.

I think you are doing very well with the "unlearning" - because you recognise and understand that it is about YOU rather than about him. And he has the strength of ego to accept that his behaviour might "trip a switch" - even though this is unintentional - and so he offers to avoid that behaviour because he knows it affects you. Kudos to him too! He could have got upset and complained about you "fussing over nothing" (shades of relationships past?!! lol) - but he is wise and sensitive and realises that you need the reassurance he can give you - and he gladly offers to give it!!

"Unlearning" is a strange thing - and as Lao says, they often take time to surface. Being aware of them when they do is difficult - because they are (as Frustrated says) entrenched within us. But if you bring your self awareness to bear - ou can and will gradually conquer each of these situations. Some may need revisiting a few times before they are truly conquered - be patient if you don't eradicate each one first go!

I agree with Baz - consultation is the best way forward. And admitting your frailties - first to yourself and then to your new significant other. Accepting that certain triggers may result in over-reaction or in fear or anxiety, and sharing that knowledge with your (new) partner, is the best way forward. In a good relationship, the new partner will respond as your's has done - with acceptance, understanding and compassion. (Beware the partner who belittles you or criticises you for being honest and vulnerable with him / her.)

It is very hard to unlearn things that have become entrenched over years. It is however much easier to learn the normal way with a normal partner.

Hang in there sister nyartgal with time your battle scars will heal.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

It does take time to unlearn. However, it can be done.

Take this specific incident you are posting about. How you handled it (instead of sucking it up and saying nothing lest you "rock the boat") by a consultative approach is the best way to go. An engaged person in your life helps this enormously.

There will still be times when these things will come up out of nowhere and bite you on the arse.

Doing what you did this time by way of handling it will work again.

Tread your own path.

Some of these triggers take time to surface and as they do, we realize just how deeply affected we were by our dysfunctional marriages. This is a big reason why so many do not leave - this be
Ief that (for want of a better description), the substandard relationship and treatment of us is the norm regardless of whom we are with.

Yes, in my opinion I do think it will take awhile & with consistent understanding on your boyfriends part you will (probably) eventually get deprogrammed. What you ask for is not unreasonable & it sounds like your boyfriend is willing to comply to give you piece of mind. That is really no less than you would do for him, I'm sure he has things he likes/expects from you that you give without thought. Sounds like he is sensitive to you, congratulations! (And really, your request is all about safety, who really wouldn't want to know if they should call the cops or not because their loved one is missing--you are a smart woman!). Take care & God Bless :)

UPDATE: my boyfriend emailed me to apologize (he could tell I was a little upset), and I emailed back to explain how hypersensitive I am about this issue, even though he didn't do anything wrong and I'm not mad at him. He was SO understanding and sweet and apologetic---and said he wanted to come over and give me a hug and that he loves me so much and didn't know it was such a big issue in my marriage.

OMG---unlike with my STBX, I am not talking to a wall! He hears me, gets it, and responds with empathy. He does not treat me like an inanimate object that he can treat however he wants. AMAZING.