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How Do You Handle The Future?

This question is about kids. I have a 13 and a 7 year old. I used to have visions of them being happy, well adjusted, kids that would end up with spouces and grandkids for me. But somehow through the process of being in a sexless marriage, my image for them has changed. Now I would prefer that they go to college, get a nice job, find a fixer upper house that they can afford on just their income. And then if they meet someone, fine. But don't marry and make sure the house is just in their name. Then when the good doesn't outweigh the bad, they just have a conversation and part ways. Not to say that if their lover is having a bad day that they just tell them to **** off and change the locks. No, I'm saying make every effort to work it out. Then just part ways if it can't be fixed. No attorneys, forms, courts, judges, etc.

Have any of you become jaded in this way about marriage in general?

A good friend of mine told me something once. It was an old Army buddy that has passed away now. But he said in the 12 months leading up to marriage, put a penny in the jar every time you have sex. It doesn't have to be 12 months, it can be three months. And then after the wedding, you go the same period of time (12 or 3 months). But this time you take a penny out each time you have sex. At the end of the period, you will see what the difference is after you say "I do". He always said that if there were still pennies in the jar, dump her. Interesting way to look at it. I know it would have fixed my issue because the well completely dried up within weeks of her saying "I do".
FarmerTimAR FarmerTimAR 41-45, M 6 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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My kids are in their late thirties. I can tell you for sure that they are individuals who will live their own lives, choose their own patths, make their own mistakes and have their own happinesses and sadnesses along the way.

DO NOT try to prescribe their lives for them. Tell them with honesty and with humility the truths you have learnt in your own life. Share what has worked for you, and what has not.

Remember that your love for them is unconditional - but that does not mean accepting behaviour from them that is unacceptable to you. Be clear about boundaries, limits and consequences - and be consistent about these. But never ever withdraw your love. Withdraw your approval if it is warranted, but never your love.

Show them you love them, trust them, have pride in them for who they are - not just for their accomplishments. And "hold fast with open hands" . . . .

When you live in a dysfunctional relationship one starts to think in a fuc...ked up way with fuc..ked thoughts.

This is a classic example of fuc..ked up thinking. No insult intended to FarnerTim.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I am trying to not form independent images in my mind of what my kids should do. Life in my generation was worlds different from my parent's, and the next 20-40 years may be another extreme shift in how the world works.

I take my cues from them, and try to guide them onto their own paths, and I give them the best advice from my own experience, but I also listen to their experiences and advise them based on their realities.

Just because I am jaded about marriage for myself, does not mean I will be "popping" their dreams of getting married, if that will be in the future for them. But I do want to be there to guide them to the RIGHT kind of marriage, and make them aware of the struggles I have seen here and elsewhere.

Most of all I think if I have done my job right they will be prepared to do what is right for them in ALL aspects of life. (I hope!)

I think the worst thing my father ever did to me was to tell me that I'd grow up, get married and have kids. Thankfully my mother's family always said put your profession first.

I tell my girls though they have barely started elementary that "careers lead to no fears"... I drill that into them daily.. I somehow ended up where my father had prophesied but not before I had my profession ..I've experienced the corporate world and sailed many seas...thank God I have those memories for that is what sustains me... and I know though I don't know how that my misery will evolve as I learn more and more about this sadistic refusal and withdrawal that my spouse has retched on me.. Oh yeah...the more I read..wow! And once again I am so glad tat I made having a profession first a priority ...

And really whether your legally wed or not is not really the issue anymore for us in sexless marriages anymore...that just secures our rights... The real issue appears to be our emotional damage...that damage ten causes us to wear so many masks...

Recent studies (Psychology Today..the pathology of happiness) discovered that people's happiness is more highly correlated with the authenticity of their lives...not material wealth or gain. I was taught the opposite as a kid as I'm sure many on this board were.."First you get the money, then you get the power and then you get the girls"... And yet still the Discovery Channel did a documentary on how women rate en more attractive based on how much they earn...thank God for The Age of Aquarius.

My Mother drilled into my sister's and my head (almost daily too!) that one is to have a career and be able to support themselves - and not live an adult life depending on another for financial support for to do so could bring misery because of a lack of options later in life. We must have our own assets and retirement plan independent of a husband. It was the best thing she could have ever told the two of us. And it WORKED!

The advice you would give your kids - "I would prefer that they go to college, get a nice job, find a fixer upper house that they can afford on just their income. And then if they meet someone, fine. But don't marry and make sure the house is just in their name. Then when the good doesn't outweigh the bad, they just have a conversation and part ways. Not to say that if their lover is having a bad day that they just tell them to **** off and change the locks. No, I'm saying make every effort to work it out. Then just part ways if it can't be fixed"

It is very very sound advice, particularly this bit - "Then when the good doesn't outweigh the bad, they just have a conversation and part ways. Not to say that if their lover is having a bad day that they just tell them to **** off and change the locks. No, I'm saying make every effort to work it out. Then just part ways if it can't be fixed"

In fact, this would be the exact suggestion I would make to "FarmerTimAR".

Tread your own path.

<p>I am all for people being autonomous and being able to support themselves - regardless of relationship status. All marriages end in tears - whether through death or divorce. One must be able to forge on regardless of the ending.<br />
They can go to college, have jobs or careers, own homes and marry or not. None of these are mutually exclusive.<br />
<p>Your kids will decide for themselves which path(s) to take. Might be best to encourage them to do what feels right for THEM, and not what your own personal feelings are on the subject.<br />
<p>With our elongated lifespans and the flexibility about varied lifestyles - people can choose to do whatever suits them, relative to the past whereas folks were more apt to follow the social sc<x>ript.</P><br />
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<p>You can have it all - maybe just not all at the same time!</P>