Self-ReflectionToday has been a day of self-reflection and remembrance. I see all of these seemingly small moments of my past popping up, now glaringly important. I remember, when my husband and I were dating, maybe a year into our relationship, going out with friends and telling one that I had to be sure to leave by midnight if I wanted to get laid. Me, today, wants to scream, "STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. LOOK AT IT. LOOK RIGHT THERE."
I knew what was going, but I didn't know. I didn't see.
Now, the more I truly see him, the less I love him.
He is, suddenly, trying rather hard. He's following through on things he says he's going to do. He's helping with the kids of his own volition. He's being affectionate. I'm finding it hard to care. We've even had sex semi-recently, though, of course, since then it has been a barrage of excuses.
My short term plan: I get a whole 36-ish hours away from home this weekend! I will be talking some of this out with a trusted friend.
I've been meaning for awhile to try out my local Unitarian church--going to start that and get into their weekly yoga and meditation group.
Figuring out how to support myself! My work experience and my degree are in very different fields. I can make decent enough money in my work experience field, but I think I may be able to up it by getting a masters in my degree field. Need to see if it will be worth it, though. Not sure I'm up for the time commitment without solid benefits.
I find myself wishing that he would cheat. It would make it so easy. And, if I'm being honest, it would put the fault back in his lap as far as public perception. What people think isn't terribly important to me, generally, but I know I'll likely end up the bad guy. I moved for him, way back when. I'm still in his community. I've begun to have some of my own community, but I'm slow to bond with people. My medium term plan: rebuild my support network.