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Self-Reflection

Today has been a day of self-reflection and remembrance. I see all of these seemingly small moments of my past popping up, now glaringly important. I remember, when my husband and I were dating, maybe a year into our relationship, going out with friends and telling one that I had to be sure to leave by midnight if I wanted to get laid. Me, today, wants to scream, "STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. LOOK AT IT. LOOK RIGHT THERE."

I knew what was going, but I didn't know. I didn't see.

Now, the more I truly see him, the less I love him.

He is, suddenly, trying rather hard. He's following through on things he says he's going to do. He's helping with the kids of his own volition. He's being affectionate. I'm finding it hard to care. We've even had sex semi-recently, though, of course, since then it has been a barrage of excuses.

My short term plan: I get a whole 36-ish hours away from home this weekend! I will be talking some of this out with a trusted friend.
I've been meaning for awhile to try out my local Unitarian church--going to start that and get into their weekly yoga and meditation group.
Figuring out how to support myself! My work experience and my degree are in very different fields. I can make decent enough money in my work experience field, but I think I may be able to up it by getting a masters in my degree field. Need to see if it will be worth it, though. Not sure I'm up for the time commitment without solid benefits.

I find myself wishing that he would cheat. It would make it so easy. And, if I'm being honest, it would put the fault back in his lap as far as public perception. What people think isn't terribly important to me, generally, but I know I'll likely end up the bad guy. I moved for him, way back when. I'm still in his community. I've begun to have some of my own community, but I'm slow to bond with people. My medium term plan: rebuild my support network.
liltree liltree 26-30, F 6 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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Good luck with the UU church. I was very pleasently surprised when I found it. Hope you are as satisfied as I've been there.

So far I'm really liking the UU church! Everyone is so incredibly kind and friendly. Having a great time there!

With hindsight comes clarity. You've learned a valuable lesson and are planning your resolution. Keep it up!

Just a thought on this bit - "I find myself wishing that he would cheat. It would make it so easy" (to leave).

It wouldn't you know. Might make the decision more clear cut, but won't make the 'doing' any easier.

Ask brother Frustrated.

Another person who's spouse has cheated on them, might have a view "If only he would verbally abuse me, that would make it so much easier to go"

Yet another who's spouse is verbally abusive might have a view - "If only he would belt me, that would clinch the leaving question for me"

We are each in different, but common holes here. And one circumstance is no 'easier' or 'harder' than another. They are all ******* hard.

Tread your own path.

Wow, are you sure you are not my long-lost twin? It would almost be plausible if you were not just over half my age, wince! You're doing right. Keep observing and planning, take your time, and get out into your new life!

I know how you feel, as I start to pull away emotionally from my spouse, its like he can sense it & then the attentiveness is back...gets old. Personally, I don't even know if I'd want s** with him now after things have gone on the way they are for so long. I am happy to read in your post that you are making an exit plan, thinking through your career options, etc. It is very smart of you to do so. Good luck & God Bless :)

I know how you feel. I'm going through something similar with my spouse.