How The Sexless Think. (well At Least Some Of Them)

My situation is different but still difficult to live with. My wife has been badly damaged through surgery and touching her, or her touching herself is painful. She is dry and raw all of the time. I feel so very sorry for her but feel unable to help, other than by not focusing on sex. We cuddle, kiss and generally do all of the boy/girl stuff but no man/woman activity. I deal with my constant frustration through sensual massage. Sadly I don't get that level of intimacy at home. I am not going to pressure her for my needs on any level. I don't want any attention that's not freely given. I have no guilt about the massages and I may consider a discreet affair if the opportunity ever arose. As for your story, I felt sickened and great sadness for the husband. It can be that sort of "control" over a man that may provoke a tragic male response, and they can often create the very worst of outcomes for everyone. We all need to be more gentle with each other and a little less self absorbed. I too need to heed my words.

I don't know how to respond to this. It seems sometimes I am in a sexless marriage. Then we suddenly connect and have a great intimate times...though briefly...and then we don't. Certainly, any sexual activity involves my initiation. Sometimes I wish that it was the other way around. When we go for larger periods of no sex...would I stray. I don't know. I guess I have thought about it. And I am a very sexual being...though I think we all are...just whether we are going to acknowledge or not or embrace it or feel it. How come I don't flirt with my wife, when I find myself flirting with others more recently? I don't know. Is it the wanting of something new? Or wanting a connection that I don't have, without the strains of the marriage that seems to hold us back at times? I don't know. I like your post. And, uhm, you have a cute dog!

Wow that is an awful story. My wife and I don't have sex very often these days and when we do she doesn't want to try anything new. Which is very frustrating for me. But I am so thankful she isn't like your friend. Jerry

I think you were chatting to my wife
Very sad those who don't want sex what they do to those who need it

Wow! I am sure my wife feels the same way. I guess that's why I get a mercy around every 4 months.

Where you talking to my wife.

Everybody is living for security reasons, be it for the children or something else. And for me marriage is a cage to put love into.Read my stories and you will understand my views.I am for love and my message is love.

I was married to a woman like that. Just as you said I had many one timers then a real affair. Kid grew up no longer there.

Unbelievable....and yet, this story does not surprise me at all. I'm also in a sexless marriage, but I know my wife would never talk like that about me. I know she loves me...she just says she is not a sexual person at all anymore. She's just not interested. After 13 years of this, I'm definitely leaning towards cheating. Not to be in a romantic relationship with some other woman....I simply just want to have some intimacy in my freakin' life! I deserve it. Everyone deserves it. Women like her need to understand that sex IS important.

A lot of passion in this story and the thread that goes with it.

Omg its just a matter of time and she will find herself alone... and she'd deserve it. She is a very very selfish lady esp. if she didn't start her relationship that way. She kinda sold him down the river. My heart goes out to her poor man but I would love to see the look on his face when he finds better elsewhere. Her attitude stinks.

Your friend could be hiding much more damaging reason, than what was blatantly confessed. Though I am the refuser in a sexless marriage, I can only assume. Because I believe that between two people who had mutual/deep sexual relationship, some things are not always easy to put in the surface.
Taking for granted that she puts the blame to her side, rather than to her husband, could be that she is to save each other's dignity. She may appear the babbling type, but one just can never tell, what is really happening between their private lives. I still have this "thought" strong in mind, that there are still things worth not talking, and words better left unsaid even after one's own death. Camouflaging things with a bit of irony or mockery, could just be the easiest way to escape or stop others curiousity, saving them a bit from their original shame. I have been that way, hiding. And EP has helped me to let things off my chest (leaving that part to another story).^^

I just want to ask one question. Where did you and my wife have lunch that day?

Her husband is a member on here...

How sad! I suppose your friend is being a little more open and honest than usual about an attitude that is perhaps quite commonly held.

There is a group, though, that espouse and rationalise the view that in one way or another, they are better off without sex.

It seems to me so selfish of them to expect to have a life partner and not to share the physical side of a relationship with them.

Is it fair of me to suggest that almost all of this group will be women? I think that a man would virtually never say something like this. They would always say that sex is "a good thing " and at least pretend that they wanted it from their partner, or that they wanted to change to a different partner - wouldn't they?

Thanks for the post. It is really beyond me why 2 people in a marriage would not want to enjoy each other! That's crazy! God wired men to be physical and need sex. Wives who deny their men this are really depriving them of what they need, just as women need relationship and affection (not just sex). Children need to see their parents in LOVE, which includes gestures of affection and romance. It's a big mistake for parents to focus only on their children and not their spouse.

My ex sad excatly the same with no explanation. That is why she is my ex/

I will never, ever relate to a person who thinks they can enter into a relationship and just shut off sex.......Then claim that it's ok or act shocked when the subject is brought up. I think they play stupid as a way to somehow validate being horrible to their partner......It's NOT ok to shut off sex....When that happens and the person won't get help or try to change I think the other partner SHOULD leave because it isn't healthy to be deprived of something as important as sex!! It isn't just physical either....Huge psychological and emotional issues happen with this and that can have very adverse effects on the persons actual physical health!!!

Sex is a total NEED for both my hubs and me. We are both hyper sexual and LOVE that quality in each other!! If something happened to one of us that effected our health and sexuality we'd BOTH work on finding some way to bring pleasure to the other....Creativity would totally be our friend then!

Sad..

Sex is need of all creature like air n water

really fine to follow in some respect

Many people experince sexless marridges because of factors like chemical change in woman after birth. Medication (in both men and woman), erectile dysfunction, premature ejeculation and the list goes on. There are many bad sex pratices that many repeat, as in part that they are lazy to go out side the box to try something new with their parnters. Hence it becomes boring and predictable sex. The disire in sex and your partner fades into an almost or certain death. Rather to point fingers in blame. Seek help medical attention, seek counselling, as to many of the dysfunctions mentioned, is in turn due to a medical or psycological condition. Education is key. Men know that the circulation of the vascular system is important. Ladies ask yourself do you think you are sexy? To take drastic measures to cheat inpart is cheating on your self.

Sex is very important part of marriage, but not a key factor! I have wonderful sex with my wife almost everyday, but this haven't influence on quality in the rest of our life, where we have good relationship on all other ways. Also, I know many couples with great and frequent sex, but their life on other fields is completely hell. My good friend told me that her husband is great in bed, but for everything else is totally jerk, so he disgust to her and she haven't any desire to make love with him anymore.

Wow. I dated an older woman (me 49, her 59) for a while. She had been a cold fish in bed her whole life. Husband left when last child went to college, wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage. She blamed it on his midlife crisis. She was shocked when she discovered (with me) that sex was fun and that ******* for women were real. The guilt she felt over having failed her marriage once she realized that sex could and should be fun was horrible to watch. I wonder what messages she got about sex as a child. (more in my story "An older woman's first ***** eating" about this encounter)

I think anyone who is "against sex" with their mate is against having a mate. That simple.

I was in a near sexless marriage for years...to this day I can't explain why I tolerated not being desired...but I did because I loved her, and I thought she loved me and just had hangups from her past....then the day came when I came home in the morning (I work 24 hour shifts), it was Christmas day and she informed me that she was in love with someone else and that she was leaving (didn't even get me a present damnit! lol)...It all hurt but I learned that some people just aren't compatable.....She has since apologized for her lack of interest..and I've discovered that I was not to blame..(I am desirable to a woman)....I guess my point is although somethings take effort we as partners need to place the others feeling before ours (something hard to do for the human being)...but sometimes (at least I feel) placing anothers needs before yours increases your pleasures..does any of that make a lick of sense?! lol

This is heartbreaking. People's view on sex and sexuality is so skewed that it pains me.

:o I would DIE without sex. I love it. Why women do this (I am a woman also) I will never understand. I have a friend who hasnt had sex in a year with her husband. I would totally understand why he cheated if he did and quite honestly hope he changes his situtation soon. Becoming sexually frustrated is something there really is no need for especially when your in a relationship. I feel so bad. Sex is so many things. Its fun, boosts ego, it makes me feel ****** sexy at times, its intense, sometime we laugh. By the sounds of it, it's a very selfish relationship. You have to care about the other person. She obviously doesnt love herself. :(

After reading the many comments here, I'm wondering maybe many women experience a chemical or hormonal change after giving birth? My ex-wife had two beautiful kids, and things began to change. Yes, it was exactly like how this comment was written: she just lost her sex drive after giving birth. The bedroom activity ceased completely, and she began to only care about our two kids. We were both obsessive and overprotective about the kids in retrospect. She became a "shield" and a filter that so-called protected them from unseen harm. Again in retrospect, it appeared like she was almost paranoid about the children's well-being: Everything revolved around the children. I mean that's how it suppose to be, right? She didn't want to be bothered about sex, and the children were constantly on her mind. She had forgotten about me. Granted, we did a lot of family thing together like going on picnics and vacations, and she did her chores as much as I did my share, but there was no bedroom activity. After about 5 years after her giving birth, that's when I started to reach my limitation. I couldn't take the "itch" anymore and started to act on impulse. "No sense in begging to make love at this point," I thought so I had an affair with a lady that I met at work. And affair being an affair, it blew up in my face and both parties left my sorry *** to say the least. Surprisingly, my ex and I have lots of sex now. Although she's still upset at what I did, she does admit that something came over her during the five years. The only regrettable part is that we both didn't go to counseling or see the doctor in regards to her loss of sex drive, but we are trying to mend things back together.

I have found that I dont really care for sex with my husband anymore . But I do actually like sex - a lot. Seems after years together it loses excitement . Youre freinds husband will find it somewhere else , and your friend may also .