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I'M Too Young For This To Be Happening!

I'm a 38 year old female, my husband is 39 and we have been married for 16 years. We have 2 children which keep us busy. My husband in the past 3 years has packed on over 150 lbs. He was always a big man, but always able to be active and we had an active sex life for the most part. Once he gained a lot of weight, his back went out and he has numerous problems because of his weight. And just so you know, hes not just chubby, its a full blown problem-to the point that he cannot clean himself properly, fit in normal chairs, breaks furniture, etc. Hes well over 425 pounds and only 5 foot 8. He's on the verge of death I feel. I hear him gasping for air just to walk from our bedroom to down the hall. It really makes me sad. I have had many talks with him about it but he just does something for awhile then makes excuses.

So the last 2 years we have realized that he has hidden or buried penis. This problemis when there is too much fat around the groin area. His penis is actually hidden inside,even when erect it isn't big enough to have intercourse wtih. Before this happened, the only position we could do was if I was on top and that wasn't fun at all. It was hard to get my legs on either side of him. So now whenever his penis gets hard, it pulls the skin and it becomes sore. He has a foreskin now that doesn't retract and is stuck around the head of his penis-kind of like an innertube of skin. Sorry to be so graphic, but this is our life.

So weight loss surgery isnt an option because our insurance doesn't cover it. Our marriage is starting to break down because of the weight issues. I simply cannot be around someone who cannot take care of himself. He smells and cannot clean himself. I have to do all his laundry and they are usually smelling like pee or feces because he simply cannot do these things. I've told him I cannot live life like this. I feel like I am in my sexual prime and I want a hot sex life. But then I don't know if I even want to have sex with him-its a major turn off when your husband smells constantly. He cannot pee properly either and gets pee all over his pants and sometimes smells like a bum. Its disgusting!!!!!!

So my situation is this. I have been a stay at home mom for the most part for the last 10 years. I really cannot just up and leave him, as I have no source of income. I love him still, but just am not happy anymore. He is grouchy and mean-doesn't want to do much and complains a lot. He's happy playing the xbox, eating, and watching tv. Doesn't want to do anything we used to. Doesn't go to church with us anymore, doesn't want to go to movies or family outings. He's depressed and really doesn't want to admit it. I would be depressed to if I were him. He's been trying to eat better,but even losing weight will not cure this problem. The penis issue would more than likely have to be surgically fixed. We joined a gym, but he has broken all promises to even go more than 5 times in the last 2 weeks. He has not stepped foot in, and I signed a contract for both of us. He just isn't reliable.

I have had fantasies about having an EMA. Which really scares me to even think about. I don't want to hurt him, but I have needs that are not being met. It makes me so sad that I am a married woman and my only outlet for sexual release is to **********. I miss being with my husband in this way, but I am so mad at him for letting himself go to this point. He's embarrassing to go out with and I am self conscious of being around him. I am worried he will break a chair, if we go out we have to make sure there is a chair and not a booth (too big for booth), and he gets many looks for people. Watching him get out of a chair or the sofa is painful . He is going to be 40 this year, and I dont think he will see 50 at all. Our kids need him; I need him. I am sad and lonely and just need some support. Thank you for listening to me.
Desperateillinoishousewife Desperateillinoishousewife 36-40, F 15 Responses Jan 29, 2013

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seriously to keep your sanity find yourself a special friend!!

best of luck

I just don't know how I can find a special friend, at all. The guilt would probably be too overwhelming for me to deal with.

the guilt will go away over time, your new friend will give you what you have been missing and some sanity back

You're a mother... what about the negative impact on the kids of staying? Seriously... measure pros and cons and doesn't that make the case you need to leave? I thought I had put on too much weight when I went to 280lbs at 6' 4" and 40+ years of age and was starting to be 'uncomfortable' with myself. Geez... over 400lbs, 5' 8" and just turning 40? I think you're leaving may be the catalyst he needs to get it together.

<p>I've read your story, the responses and your answers. I'm going out on a limb here and advising you to LEAVE. I rarely do that in a first post - but I think there are a great many factors here to consider.</p><p>The marriage has been dysfunctional for a long time. You have coped with lots of adversity in a positive way - getting your College degree. Your husband has coped in a negative way - becoming morbidly obese.</p><p>As he is quite different at home to his public persona, you can be sure he KNOWS that his "home persona" would be unacceptable in the public arena. This tells me he is quite content to make YOU and the children suffer from his bad behaviour - which says a LOT about his lack of respect for you.</p><p>He does not want to change sufficiently to DO anything about it. He says he will and puts up a token effort but has now genuine resolution. However, he MAY find that if he were on his own. I know it sounds harsh, and this is NOT a criticism of you, but you being with him enables him to feel "life is OK as it is" and continue to abuse his body.</p><p>If you left, he MAY find the motivation to change his own life. Once he no longer has you to clean, cook, wash and take care of him, he will be forced to do it himself - or endure the consequences. For some people, it is necessary to hit "rock bottom" before they find the motivation to help themselves. But even if he does not, that is NOT your responsibility.</p><p>Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. Your husband is intent on making himself less "available" to your family in many ways. "He is grouchy and mean-doesn't want to do much and complains a lot. He's happy playing the xbox, eating, and watching tv. Doesn't want to do anything we used to. Doesn't go to church with us anymore, doesn't want to go to movies or family outings. "</p><p>I suggest you undertake an intensive search for employment and also see a lawyer about your rights if you pursue a divorce. I realise you are sad at the thought of leaving him, but I truly believe you have no genuine alternative - except to stick it out until he dies! And even though there is every indication this will be sooner than later, he may live for another twenty years. Could you TOLERATE a further twenty years like this???</p>

From one with an (ex)spouse with serious illness to another and with 2 kids too, I hear you and I sympathise. You can read my stories starting in Jan 2012, maybe they can help.

There's no good answers. He has to want to do it himself. You can be supportive, but you should not neglect your needs and your children's needs. In the end, you may choose to separate - as I did - either way, get lots of support for yourself.

Your H needs intense psychological therapy. Only you know how far you can take hte caregiving.

First, for your sexual frustration, you should find fulfillment outside NOW. Don't waste your life mourning about your situation. It is indeed very short. Second, you really cannot live with somebody who is not responsible for themselves (at least). I think you should come up with a plan, and walk away from the marriage once your plan is in-place. Most relationships are imperfect, yes, but there is always a tipping point. You need to decide if you have reached yours. Good luck!

You might like to consider approaching the Mayo Clinic, such as at Rochester, MN, with regard to trying to get free treatment for your husband.
The relevant information page is
http://www.mayoclinic.org/becomingpat-jax/charity-care.html
I understand that you would still need a doctor's referral.
I know people who have been treated there at the world-renowned centre of excellence.
I hope this proves helpful and fruitful. I recall comments made by some friends who had nursed their spouses through long periods of terrible illness, to the effect that, "The man I married died the moment he became very ill." It strikes me that you must have been in a similar position with your husband and have done well indeed to have hung on in, as long as you have. It is right for you to not expect to be able to fight this battle alone any more.
With the very best regards.

As a male who has just turned fifty and has been married for 30 years with the same woman, I would like to comment on this. It may be irrelevant or it may help.

We have had our ups and downs like any relationship with some good years and some bad. What I have discovered is marriage is between 2 consulting adults. There may be some underlying issues here. Why the sudden mental change, why the depression and why the sudden weight gain. I empathize with your situation but my question is what was the underlying cause.

Was there an affair? (You may never know). Does he suspect you of having an affair, or are you both in such a rut that depression has reared its ugly head? Like women, guys go thru a menopause of sorts with some having it earlier than others. Most men will hate or disbelieve what I am saying, but its true.

I am sure you are sexy as hell, but to him, it may remind him of where his life has come too. He may wonder where life will end up and living pay check to pay check is not his life's dream. He seems very comfortable at work, but is dissatisfied at home.

Obesity is a disease and should treated as such. I am sure you love him and maybe he loves you just as much, but if was to give any advice, it would be to seek advice from support groups first and take your kids as well.

Have you talked openly to your husband about your relationship. Remember, it may hurt, but sometimes venting is healthy. Start talking with the man and explain to him your concerns and feelings. This may be just what is needed to kickstart a change.

Seek advice from professionals or support groups and try to keep an open mind. Maybe close friends can help him. All I know is that there is no simple solutions to this problem and that it will take both of you to sit down and figure it out.

Good luck and I will hope for the best.

Well Really we had a tough last 3 years. We lost our business. Filed bankruptcy. Lost our home. Husband got a new job. We had to move to a new city. Daughter has adhd and other issues. Very difficult child. We are going to therapy and doctors for that. So no. Our life just isn't stress free except for the weight. My husband Also was kind of disowned by his father for being so fat. His dad told him if he didnt lose weight he couldn't be around him because he was disgusting. After some harsh words in both ends, they haven't spoke in over 2 years. I know all of this if affecting him. But I feel like he needs to LIVE his life now instead of just being here. Be present in life instead of just wanting time to pass. So there's many issues but he won't deal with him. He is on Paxil for anxiety but that isn't for depression. He was such a kind man wen we were first married. So much fun. Now he's got such a hard shell and its hard to get into the real person anymore. I really miss the man I married.

With respect, the problem here is not a lack of sex, that is but one of many symptoms of a highly dysfunctional situation, one which, I suggest, is way beyond the pay grade of any member here.

I'd be inclined to be googling "morbidly obese husband" or similar. It is highly likely that there are support groups kicking around with that as the main focus.

Meantime, you'd do well to make sure any life insurance he is carrying is paid up, just in case.

Tread your own path.

$500k in life insurance paid every month. $90 but worth it.

Not sure how things work in your jurisdiction. That said, can he get a docs appt to get blood tests done? That kind of drastic weight gain and mood change could be neuro/hormonal in nature. And sometimes, with the depression, they need their ***** kicked to the docs.
And then there's the reality that he hasn't exactly beaten a path to the doc/gym/therapist to fix anything....
You have decide for you and the kids what the best solution is, because modelling these behaviors (yours and his) cant be good. It's part of many people's journey here, mine included.

And needing someone in this high state of disfunction cannot be healthy for your spirit. Do take care of you, you and your kids deserve it.

He has had a physical and all of his levels are fine. He gained weight by eating a ton of food. Eating meals before dinner on the way home from work. Eating sandwiches after dinner and "running up to the store" and hitting a drive thru. Easily eating thousands of calories in a few minutes. :(

I stayed in a sexless marriage for some 18 years, feeling that had enough love for the two of us. My situation was so different from yours, in that my wife was just not interested in sex and I could have left financially at any time; I just stayed to avoid disrupting the children's home. Here's the parallel, though - you stay, thinking you can magically expect things to change and it is unlikely that they ever will and .. this is one of the world's greatest optimists speaking. I don't think things can continue like this. You are desperate and rightly so.
The world's largest and strongest man weighed 425 pounds but had little fat.
Recently a 425 pound woman was refused an airline seat as they did not have a large enough seat belt extender. She since died.
There is hope, though:
The Subway diet is the weight-loss plan created by Jared Fogle, an obese college student who weighed 425 pounds. The 22-year-old Fogle lost 245 pounds. Look it up.
Some change is inevitable and to preserve your sanity and dignity, it is probably better for you to try and steer this change actively rather than sit back, do nothing and have the situation get worse. Your ************, as a token gesture to sex life is about the only thing over which you have much control right now but, I hope you agree, the real issue is not the sex, it is the totally unworkable day-to-day scenario and, it would appear, you are trapped financially.
If you don't earn and he is a couch potato, how to the finances work?
You mention the church and this could be and should be your life-line. It may mean letting down your guard and admitting to being defeated by circumstances but if there is one ounce of humanity in your local church someone should be able to help you and your family receive the love and support you need right now at the very practical level. Try them.
These are just the personal thoughts of a concerned amateur and all my comments should be tempered with the best intelligence and judgement by considering all available evidence and information, particularly from health professionals but remember nobody has as much interest in your situation as you. It took courage as well as despair to join this site and to post your concerns. Well done. I hope you find all the help you need and deserve.

Hi girlfriend.. it's a shame that you have to go through this at your age. I feel for you and the kids... did you ever tell him how you feel about everything? I know it's a lot to deal with but that is your husband and I know its only so much a person can take.. I heard you speaking about church, as long as you put God first and pray,God gonna make away u will see..but u gotta have faith.... god bless you and your family... and remember all bad things do come to a end!!!

I have found church friends who are partnering with me to pray for him. I also recently got my college degree. I did it in preparation if we were to not make it. :(. I cry when I think about not being with him. But then I cry also when I think about how bad it is. I feel somehow tha I have to stay for his good. That he can't make it without me. He has told me that. He is very dependent of me. That's not good at all. I'm so confused. But it feels great to vent.

He really does need to take drastic measures to get his weight under control. Unfortunately he has to want to. It seems like his desire to eat and play video games trumps his desire for change and you probably have to come to terms with that.
Perhaps a separation would be the swift kick he needs to get motivated? And if not, you would know that going through with divorce was only other option besides staying and cheating or staying in a sexless marriage unhappily. :(
This is an awful situation. :( I feel for you.

All of my options really suck. I feel like I don't want to give up on him or our marriage, but when he has given up what options do I have? He also looks at ****, but is unable to do anything. Which really makes me upset. I know that since we can't have intercourse, then he needs an outlet as well. But it hurts me even more that he searches the internet for **** in our bedroom when I am downstairs taking care of our kids. Sometimes I wish I never married him. We had a rough patch in our marriage 4 years in and I contemplated leaving him but I stayed and he vowed to change. To go to church. To be a better person. To go to counseling. And he did that for years, but the past 4 years really he has changed. He has become bitter, mean, and hard to live with. Everyone at his work says how funny and wonderful he is. He must act totally different around them than me. Even my kids are suffering because of his mood swings. One day hes happy then one day he says everything sucks, why am I not depressed, why don't I get a job (cant find one), and blah blah. I really have to know thats HIS stuff, and not mine. I am not in charge of changing him just in charge of me. Really I am not happy but I have decided to work on myself. I really don't know how I would even begin the process of separation when I have no income and we are living paycheck to paycheck already. I think I am going to go to counseling, even if on my own, and try to get help if even for myself.

I am glad you have a degree, keep searching for work (it will provide financial &amp; social support). I am glad you are going to church &amp; seeking a therapist, I think they will both help. Plan your exit (just in case) &amp; work through what is best for you &amp; the your kids (that is what you are responsible for---you are not responsible for a grown man who will not accept help. I feel for him, but he has refused every help offered him). Take care &amp; God Bless :)

There are multiple issues.
He needs drastic treatment for dramatic weight reduction. I used to work with a guy of over 300 pounds and he had to have both legs amputated as they broke under his own weight and gangrene set in.
He needs cleanliness care which may just be too much for you to continue doing.
You have your sexual needs which may be satisfied outside the marriage but would burden you with guilt. Not easy. Good luck.

I'm so sad for both of you. It is a shame for you have to go without and for him to have let his weight get out of control. It is a shame that he can't see what it is doing to you and your kids. I will keep you in my thoughts

Thank you. It makes me so sad too. I know I vowed in sickness and in health but what happens when the sickness is by thier own choices?

Well when it is like that the only thing you can do is try. If they will not except it and you have tried to help as you told in your story then that vow doesn't hold any more. And he took a vow as well and he is not living up to it either.

So sorry you're going through this. Hugs.