Post

I Just Don'T Care Anymore...

Here is my story. I am very pregnant with my third child... Like about to pop. I have been pregnant and/or nursing straight since March of 2008. I have had two non-sleepers, my second is special needs. I had to quit my job to ensure she get the attention/therapy that she needs, which has caused huge financial strain on the family. And I just am so physically and emotionally exhausted I can't focus on anything but the kids. I just don't have the energy for anything else. Naturally, I have been neglecting my husband, on every level. Things have been off between us for a while. I just have no interest in him at all. I love him, but I am not functioning on a normal level and just can't be bothered, especially when the kids are so demanding of attention and time.

Even before all of this, our sexual chemistry wasn't great. We have been together for almost ten years and I can probably count on two hands how many ******* I have had with him. So, add onto that everything that's going on... It's a recipe for disaster. Oh, and it is only going to get worse with another newborn.

I just don't know what to do. I can see he is starting to resent me, and am devastated by it. But again, pregnant with two kids under the age of four, one being special needs. It's too much to handle.... Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Justgettingby2013 Justgettingby2013 31-35 13 Responses Jan 29, 2013

Your Response

Cancel

As Baz says, you are now reaping the outcome of your previous decision making - or lack of it. But knowing that will not make things any easier for you. You need to accept that you and your marriage are in CRISIS.

Within a few years (possibly only months?) your husband will move from resentment to anger to disengagement. He will either have an affair or leave - or both.

As a mother with three children under five years, one of whom has special needs, your options of being self supporting are incredibly limited. At your ages (I'm assuming your husband is a similar age) you are unlikely to have a one income wage that will allow both of you to live separate lives in any comfort. Therefore, if you separate, you will need to rely on the State for support. This is unlikely to be a very positive experience.

As Essie says, you need HELP. And you need to be honest to those who can assist you and TELL them you need help. You need to be open about your over-work and your exhaustion (the sex part can remain private!) and ACCEPT any help you can get.

It can be galling to accept help from family and friends - particularly if they are the "told you so" type who blame you for your condition. But you will have to swallow that - you are in no position to reject ANY help.

Your doctor or obstetrician can advise you about options. It may be necessary for you to request several days of bed-rest just to get over the worst of your exhaustion. Your husband will HAVE to step up and take care of the two littlies to allow this to happen.

Your child with special needs probably attends early intervention. Ask for a referral to their Counsellor or Psychologist. Consult that person - ask for help. Ask for ANY support strategies that can be put in place for you and your family. One possibility might include respite care for you.

Do you visit a local health centre? Are your children attending preschool or daycare? These organisations have good networks of contacts to assist families. Charities, government run organisations and other community organisations often have assistance you can access that you may currently know nothing about.

I realise you are probably reading this and thinking to yourself "It is not as bad as that!" Believe me, it IS as bad as that. I have worked with families and children for over forty years. FAR too many people refuse to accept a crisis is imminent until it happens - then you have NO choice or control over the way things are managed.

If you are like most of us, you are putting your own needs LAST. But at this time, with your children (including the unborn one) so reliant on you, then the BEST thing you can do for them is to take care of yourself. And along with that goes taking care of your marriage . . . but you need to care for YOU first.

I have no idea what your background is that finds you in the situation that you are in, therefore I am reticent to make any comment lest it sound like straight-forward criticism, but I will take a chance on it.

Firstly, you sound very unhappy. The circumstances are the detail but why you are dealing with the circumstances in the way that you are is what really matters.

Secondly, you sound like a victim with excuses rather than reasons. By all means do that if you feel entitled, but reflect on it, is it actually making your situation better or worse?

Thirdly, what are your solutions to the predicament that you find yourself in/ Bring YOURSELF solutions not problems. I know that is trite and crass, all rolled in to one, but sometimes it just helps to be hard on yourself, to be your own worst critic as long as it is both realistic and constructive.

I have no idea why you have found yourself in a perpetual state of pregnancy for so long but if it has to do with your religion I think it is time for a reappraisal on that front. Whatever, anyone thinks about religion I PREFER to believe that it is not to be about wilful suffering (as opposed to that imposed on you). If that is all your religion has to offer, change the religion, not the God.

I could go on and on but you probably have heard more already than you care to hear. Just be firm with yourself. Your salvation can come out of this.

By the way, you say nothing about HIM, but if he is of a similar mind he simply has to pull his finger out and divvy up his share of the right attitude and the solutions.

Have you thought about getting help, someone to help look after the kids every so often so you can have some rest, like a relative/family member that would charge you to do so, and a support group for yourself like a Mother and Toddler group.

Does H have a sense of what you are up against? Do you have a sense of how H feels about the financial burden? Having a child with special needs can force spouses into traditional gender roles--this is documented with research and not just my opinion, although it is also my experience. Some how you have to create a feeling of being in this together, create some kind of regular time together, even something as small as a daily commitment to telling each other a joke that makes you both laugh. Nothing is worse than each of you feeling you are in this alone.

Pregnant and feeling guilty for neglecting your husband? IF you are neglecting him I would CONTINUE TO DO SO-- while informing him of the very best direct method to remedy the situation: he gets a vasectomy and suddenly sex with him doesn't look so bad.

You need to find something to feed your soul and give you some rest. When my kids were small I went to mops. Met other moms. Had food and conversation and had a few hours without my kids. (Daycare was provided). Look into some networking mom groups to help you. You have a lot going on and I feel for you. Hang in there.

Your story reads like this was a dysfunctional situation before there were any kids involved, but you chose to have 2 of these kids, and chose not to prevent a third. And now, you don't like the consequences of those choices.

Unfortunately, you (or me, or anyone) don't get a pass on the consequences of past choices.

What you DO get, is the opportunity to start making INFORMED choices now from which better consequences may ensue. This is the only thing that is going to get you moving forward.

Do you think your marriage has any future ? That is probably the key thing to start challenging your thinking about.

Tread your own path.

Maybe you're in a marriage that will be fine when you come out from under (you have a lot on your plate, as everyone here has noted; been there and understand the special world of special needs--it's tough) but I would say all what you've said here to your husband if you are interested in changing things. You say you see he is starting to resent you, then acknowledge that to him. Even apologize for neglecting him if it's true--but also explain why, how your current situation is too much, and strategize together how to fix it. I remember not caring about a thing at the end of my pregnancies; your job is creating life at the moment. Not a small task. Cut yourself a break, enjoy the excitement of the new one coming, ask for some help from your husband and family, and resolve to work on your marriage--if that's what you want to do--a few months down the road. I really hope things turn up for you so you can enjoy your family.

Look, it's hard to care when YOUR needs are not getting met.

You really need to be having this talk with your spouse - that you not only exhausted and overworked, but that you need certain things sexually that HE hasn't been providing.

If it's "just another chore", if you're not enjoying it, of course you don't want sex with him when you are already over burdened with all the rest of it.

Unfortunately, one day your overworked status will be at an end, and you will have to ask yourself, is there anything left? Ask yourself now: what do you want for yourself and your family in 5 years? in 10 years? in 20?

I see the major problem as one of communication between yourself and your spouse, actually.

Whew! You do have your hands full! Hang in there. Do you have family nearby? Or maybe you could arrange someone to watch the kids overnight so you can have some couple time.

Good luck.

Hopefully with support and maybe even some couples therapy you will have a happy successful marriage & family :) It will get easier as the kids get older and more independent! Their love and accomplishments are well worth the struggles when they are all so young. Hang in there!

You really have your hands full!
Do you remember when you fell in love with your husband? Those butterflies, the attraction and flirtation? It's almost like a stress reliever in itself. Wouldn't it be awesome to get that back into your life? If you could start giving your husband that attention, affection and flirtation you had in the beginning- and he gave it back- I think you would start to see there is more to life than just being a mother.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being a mom and housewife. Taking care of the family fullfills me. But nothing can replace the feelings come from a healthy vibrant relationship. I think you owe it yourself and your spouse to go all in and start from the beginning again! :)

Do you want the intimacy back? Does your husband?
Everyone has time to wake up, roll over, smile and kiss their spouse. We all have time to hug our spouse and compliment them over a cup of coffee (even if we are standing in the kitchen!). And you even have time to surprise him with a 7 minute bathroom quickie while the kids are finishing breakfast or lunch! And really, sex during pregnancy can be pretty amazing if you let go and allow yourself to enjoy it.
Don't throw the towel in. Does your husband express to you that he misses intimacy and intiate sex?

As for the or gasm thing... we are responsible in telling our spouses what pleases us and what does not. You can't really put that on him (unless he ignores you when you do tell him how to please you. In that case, a whole other conversation needs to take place).

I think somewhere along the line, society has given women a list of excuses for not having sex and implying that we get too busy for it. Unfortunately, you've used a couple of them. being a busy mom, nursing and being pregnant. However, by giving yourself those excuses to let the marriage take a back seat, it hurts you, too. Not just your spouse. You start to lose sight of being a sexual passionate being. Don't fall any further into those excuses, please.

Birth control...why are you still having children when the ones you have are so young and need your attention! You're setting yourself up for a disaster as you say! Hopefully you have some family support and hopefully you can have a discussion with your husband and get this sorted out! Communication is the key!! I'm hoping you can make this work and be happy! I love children...wish I had had more than the two wonderful kids I have, but not all at once!! Get some support and some birth control :)

And I hear ya, thanks. We did use birth control. I had to take out my IUD because it wasn't put in correctly, was painful and caused excessive bleeding. I am planning a tubal with this section.