I Was Sure.. But Now?

If you've read my other stories you know I've told my husband of five years I wanted a divorce. He does not. We still live together and most of the time get along well. We do almost everything together. And I know I would really miss him if I do leave. Even though sometimes he can be a jerk and he has a hard time of ever taking anything seriously, I do love him as a freind.

Since I've told him he does seem like hes trying. He has been nicer and has initiated sex a few times. He never does so that is an improvement and he has been overall more affectionante. These very small changes do make me wonder if I still should leave.

I know I may sound like a flake but I'm very realistic. I could get a divorce and lose a very good friend whom I do love. I would also lose two of my cats. I know their just cats but we dont have kids so I love them as if they were part of my family. I would also have no family within hundreds of miles. If my husband and I divorced my closest family member would be 15 hours away (driving). I also do love being a wife and I like most of our life together.

On the other hand though I know if I stay I will be missing that part of my life. Though my husband does seem like hes trying something is missing. We dont kiss or really touch anymore. Even when we have sex we dont kiss. Also when we do have sex there is no connection. Even if he initiates it feels like he just wants to get it over with. He just gets up after, there is no holding each other or never any 'seconds'.

Some days I'm very sure I want to leave and other I'm sure I should stay. I see the benefits of both and I'm really not sure what to do.
jencpa jencpa
31-35, F
15 Responses Jan 29, 2013

Go, but take the cats. You can usually find an apartment that will let you keep them.

I am in a pretty similar situation and am going through the same thought process. On one hand I feel like I am wasting my youth, but on the other, I feel like I'm going to be losing a lot if I leave. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Exactly, its a lot to question. I'm not that young but I dont want to spend most of my life unhappy and feeling unfullfilled or that part of me is missing. On the other hand what if leave and regret it.

I'm sorry your in this situation. Its seem impossible to make the right decision.

Do you want kids? I think I do but I won't consider it in the current situation. Another reason why I feel like I'm wasting my youth.

think hard before you leave cause a lot of times people regret it

All of your stories have such a sweetness which comes through the melancholy. I connect with what you're saying as I get very frustrated indeed with my situation, but find it hard to get very angry at my wife, who is a good person.

I just read your stories. He's not a very good "friend" if he pushes you away . You can move on if you trully want to. Someone will love you and completely fulfill you . Good luck :)

It's never easy, is it? Good luck in your future...

Jen - I feel for you....... The few times that we have sex.... I try to make sure we Kiss (a lot) I feel that the ability to kiss (and I mean really kiss not just a peck good bye good morning etc) is a good barometer on if there any emotional connection at the time......

The last few days (many) we have not been kissing and there has been no sex and frustration on my part......

I pointed that out..... But it seems like things fall back into the same old routines.....

What ever you decide to do Best of luck......

Jencpa, think practically.

1. One set of possible decisions is completely lacking from your story and oh so necessary to making your choices. What if you do divorce--what are your plans then? You would have no familial support, and you sound like you want/need it. Would you plan to then immediately move back to be close to family? How do you plan to support yourself? Do you have friends somewhere? You can't just leap out of a marriage without knowing what you will do next. Ok, you can, but you probably won't be as happy with the result as you will be if you take matters in hand. So answer this question: What are you doing, right now, to take care of yourself, given the crappiness of the situation?

2. If you make an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to follow through. This is true for just about anything. What you want, what everyone on this board wants or wanted, was for our spouse to follow through on the relationship. What if you determine that H is really changing, decide to stay, and then it turns out that he was only engaging in reset behavior? Do you threaten divorce once again? Each time you declare divorce without follow-through, you weaken your position. What, specifically, do you want from your spouse? Be clear with yourself, even if you don't get anything from him.

3. Cats are not children, but the emotional connection they provide cannot be discounted, particularly when contrasted with the lack of emotional connection in a SM. I chose not to kill myself in childhood because of my cat, and I now have both a cat and offspring. I do not conflate the two. Do not denigrate your general need for emotional connection by not giving the cats their due.

I dont actually mind living far away from my family. I actually kind of like it however I know it may be harder being so far away if I'm alone. I do have friends here.

I dont know what I would do. I would like to think I would be strong enough to leave but I havent yet so I dont know.

Then start making a plan. You don't have to be strong all alone

Thank you all for responding. I know most of you are right and that my husband likes the benefits of marriage but doesnt care if I'm happy or maybe even about me. I know things will go back to normal. I also know the only way to ever have the kind of marriage or relationship i want is to leave him. However saying it and doing it are very different and I have not yet found enough courage to do the latter.

So just start by imagining what you would do, allow yourself to day dream and see where it takes you.

Paraphrasing you.

I am prepared to live as an inauthentic "we", and forego any chance at all of living as the authentic "me".

I think you will find that the consequences of this choice will not be life enhancing in any way, shape or form.

But, it is your choice, it is a valid choice, and the consequences, be they good or ill, are yours to own.

Tread your own path.

When you initiate a kiss what does he do?

He usually pulls away or gives me just a peck then walks away.

Likely best to remain friends, but not lovers.

I dont disagree. I just know that if we get a divorce we wont be friends. He would be to angry with me. Thats one of my heistations. I dont want to hurt him and I dont want him to hate me.

Wow, your best friend would quit being friends with you if you pursued a higher quality of life? Time to question you friend criteria, not to mention husband criteria.

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now i am a bit down today, so take this post with that state of mind in account,

honey, he's only doing the bare minimum to keep you. soon as the immediate threat is over, be prepared for a return to what was. and wash, rinse, repeat as many times over the next xx number of months/years you threaten to leave.

i am terrified (a bit!) right now, as i filed yesterday. still have to tell him. (read my stories you'll understand why the gap between filing & telling).

what if the $$ issue means i have to file bankruptcy? (so i explain on a need to know basis...and the facts of why favor me and not him)

what if there *isn't* someone out there who's a good match for me? (so?!?? it's got to be more fun to look than to live like a frustrated nun for the rest of my life)

what if i'm never able to afford a house again? (there are plenty of other options and hey no maintenance woes)

what if my husband tries to turn our daughter against me? (not a snowball's chance...even if there were, she's nearly old enough now to see the truth for herself)

what if i lose my friends? (then they weren't friends, really)

what do i tell people? (as little as possible. those who're closest to me know we've got problems anyway).

what if my daughter grows up & resents me later because she won't have the fancy house with the pool and possibly loses her favorite activities too? (i guess that's a chance i have to take, so she and i can have a happier quality of living on a day to day basis. and, if my STBX keeps doing what he's been doing, chances are he won't be able to keep the house of cards up much longer anyways...)

so i am sure you have your own list (there's more on mine)--but you get the idea.

you're so young. please do both of you a favour and file, move on, and BE HAPPIER.


He's (uncomfortably) doing the minimum it takes to keep you interested. Low quality reset/pity sex is empty and bereft of any real passion, desire or even connection. I'm guessing that when he thinks you're staying, he'll go back to his status quo.
Just picture your future in 5, 10, 20 years if you stay... Equally what would the future hold with your freedom.

If you ever want to chat I'm here...the very same thought process goes through my mind and has for years.

Your story sounds very similar to mine, almost like I wrote it my self - right down to the cats! I've been married 10 years and essentially this is exactly how my wife has been the past 7 years at least. Only difference is we have a 3 year old daughter. I'm so lonely and no matter what I say or do...or don't do, nothing changes. I can definetly understand what you are going through!

I'm sorry your going through the same thing. And I'm not comparing having cats to kids. I know if i had a child I probably wouldnt consider leaving.

I hope things improve for you. Thank you.

We also have 2 cats, had them long before our child. So I can actually relate to the cat thing as before our child came along, this was a thought of mine when we were concidering divorce.

Ah okay. So you were considering divorce before..did things get better for awhile?

Kind of like you explain, I bring up my issue, my desire for intimacy. The rare occasion she wants to communicate about it, it would seem like there's a little effort on her part. Then after a couple of weeks back to the status quo. That's the way it's been for a long time, just a continuous pattern.

So many of us stay when our so's throw us a bone...

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