Exit Confusion (Story #2)Have just had "the big talk" with my wife. This was unplanned and caught me by surprise. I'm very confused in the outcome.
My decision to leave was back in October, and I very, very nearly just walked out then, with no preparation other than actually renting a self store unit to throw some possessions into. At the last minute, my rational side stepped in and averted this "crash and burn" event.
Since then I have maintained control of my emotions, survived Christmas and was planning towards an exit in March. If you read my original story, you can see that my wife does not want to communicate with me about anything, so I wanted to open up at least a little low level dialogue now, to make things less of a shock when the crunch comes in March. The talk a few days ago went like this......
Me: "we need to talk"
Wife: "about what?!"
Me: "about how things are between us"
Wife: "I think I want to leave you..............."
Me: "That's how I feel too....."
This was a relief - when imagining how such a discussion would go, I had envisioned an eruption of pure seething anger and receiving an aggressive physical attack.
Several hours of discussion followed with outpouring of emotions (mainly from the wife - as I stayed reasonably calm and rational). Unbelievably, the wife declared her strong and constant love for me (WTF???) - but then she could not identify one single tangible ex
Much of the talk revolved around my job which I hate, but which I feel trapped to due to the good income level that it delivers. The W has never cared about my job satisfaction and really just wanted me to put up with the sh!t at work and bring home the money for her to spend. Separating would put pressure on continuing in the job, and would setback my recent small steps towards self employment. Somehow our discussion circled around to how I should get my business up and running so that I could feel better about myself and then this would allow us to get our marriage sorted out. I'm encouraged by the wife's interest in supporting my career change, and there is an element of logic in this leading to an improved relationship, BUT.... 1) I was reasonably certain that I am beyond wanting to sort out this marriage. 2) I don't believe the W is offering more than lip service towards supporting me in the employment transition.
Finally I raised the question of sex, as the W did not even remotely go near this topic in her dialogue. Unbelievably, she seemed to have no understanding of how few times this had been over the previous 10 years, and was convinced that things were ok until just the last year. Her self delusion on this was strong - forgetting her refusing, all our arguments and the plain reality that having sex a few times a year does not add up to a healthy sex life.
We rounded things off with discussion about practicalities of separating - finances, housing options and so on. This is difficult, as things will be tight and there is not really anything that will change this in the future (no equity to unlock as we don't own a house to sell).
OK - I'm thinking this went better than expected, we can work together to achieve a smooth separation. However................The next day, she apologises for how she has been over the years and how she is always angry and how she hates herself and has felt unattractive after menopause.
More like the opposite in my view - she loves her own image! I have come to realise that she is an absolute narcissist, and this includes an obsessive compulsive control of the tidyness of every square inch of the house. No item of mine (like a book or pen or my glasses) will be tolerated and said ob
I'm not ready for an argument so I give her a hug, and this feels slightly like the start of a reconciliation, but I'm not convinced. I will keep going with the exit plans, but see how this unfolds. I'm confused that I'm even considering anything except an exit. The possibility of achieving an exit from my job is probably the only thing that is drawing me in. Do I hate my job more than my marriage? possibly........
AloneInUK 51-55, M 8 Responses 0 Jan 29, 2013