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I Don’T Hate My Wife – Why We Stay

I’m probably just echoing what so many of you have already figured out or have expressed in the past. The reality is I don’t hate my wife. In fact, I love my wife. My wife is a kind, caring individual. An overprotective mom, a godsend to my parents – she is a wonderful person.

I used to travel a great deal. I can easily recall being away and couldn't wait to get home. Somehow, when you’re away, the vision of reality becomes distorted. I would look forward to coming home to a warm, inviting home and think of a warm embrace, a loving touch, kiss and feeling that all is right in the world.

I’d get home, and within seconds reality would hit me in the face. No warm embrace, wife sitting in front of the TV, dinner is in the micro. My son – 20, recently said to me, when I’m away, I miss mom. When I’m home, I can’t stand it – overbearing, condescending, no real conversation, just drives me crazy.

So why we stay – it is that ever present belief that somehow things will change. What “we”, collectively all of us that come to this forum and express is a very simple desire – to love, be loved and express that love. Nothing complex - just human contact.

Perhaps to us, it seems so basic that it should easily be obtainable – who doesn't want to be loved, and to express that love – skin to skin, the warmth of a human body. So perhaps it is that point of view that what we seek is so desirable and obvious, that surely it must be just around the corner – one more day and the world will be right.

I’ve read stories of women that go down the sexy lingerie path – all but demand sex from their husbands, yet despite best attempts can’t engage their husbands. I look at that as a whole other level – that is the fun stuff. If “you” a husband and wife can’t find comfort in a simple embrace that lets each party know that the world is in balance, the fun stuff can’t ever happen.
Why, we stay – perhaps it is simply we’re hopelessly hopeful.
boater12 boater12 51-55, M 10 Responses Jan 29, 2013

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Wow... I feel like this is my future... we are "there" now. For the kids- feeling hopelessly hopeful. I hold onto the thread of waiting to see what's there when the kids are grown & perhaps- it will be the same as what you have. Make me sad. So if your son is grown, why still stay?

Lonely -

You may or may not want to read a recent post from me and MoonRiver about staying for the kids.

Why am I still here - it's complicated. But I am planning. I know the conversation will in no way be a surprise - not that it will make it any easier.

Please do not be sad - that one word is so powerful to me. I absolutely hate to think of people out there "sad". Be hopeful. You are young, articulate, obviously a good/caring mother - so much going for you. As so many have said here - start your plan - you deserve far better.

You don't try to sleep with everyone that you do not hate. Life is too short and there are too many nice people around. And people stay for all kinds of reasons other than hope.

"Why, we stay – perhaps it is simply we’re hopelessly hopeful.'

Hope Sucks!

There's a theory I have (just a theory, not proven, sorry) that the reason we stay is that they picked a spouse that stays

You're saying they picked us out for loyalty???

Yes

HMMMMM....

I agree.

Yes they did. Certainly my husband did.

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oh boater i wrestled with this for years.

what it boiled down to in the end for me is my little girl and what kind of future (and present) do i want for her?

me filing for divorce at these toughest of times (read my stories) has as much to do with my hopes and dreams for her, as it does my desires hopes and dreams for myself.

if it had just been myself i would've left years ago. i stayed years longer than i should have in hopes for better with many discussions, not wanting to split up a family.

unfortunately it dawned on me my daughter wasn't (and isn't) as happy as she should and could be, with BOTH of her parents living happier and authentically. some of what she's said and done over the past year has shown me, clearly, no matter the price, i need to force a change.

and so, here i go.

as others have said, it's tough. but so is staying.

Like +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The title to this story needs a question mark at the end. I do not have a sense here that you do, in fact, understand why you stay. When you read the Peanuts cartoon in which Charlie Brown is duped, time after time, into trying to kick the football Lucy is holding, do you not wish he would wise up and tell Lucy where she can put her stupid toy? This is the story you paint: Charlie Brown needs to keep trying to kick that football because surely any sane person would not want to torture him over and over. Surely this time Lucy will hold the football in place. Why does Charlie Brown keep being lured into an exhilarating run, filled with promise, only to have satisfaction removed at the last minute?

Do you even wonder about what causes him to repeat the cycle, or do you laugh at his persistent gullability?

We stay because it is familiar ~~ because finances are bad enough as it is ~~ because we lack the courage and conviction that we can leave ~~ because we think the best years have already passed us by ~~ because we can't split our dog in half ~~ because we are fearful ~~~~

If not having sex was fine with you, would the "overbearing, condescending, no real conversation, kind, caring, wonderful person" be okay for you?

Rhetorically speaking, no. Thereinlies the dilemma.

Given the few postings I've made you'll know that I had a lengthy affair. Prior to that I assumed my SM was quite normal. After all virtually every guy I know has expressed some degree of frustration with the level of sexual satisfaction in their marriage. It really wasn't until my affair that I realized that there were people, (women) out there that actually enjoyed physical intimacy as much as I did. So my dilemma I could have slipped through life oblivious to what could be and gotten by... But now I know there is more and I'm no longer satisfied. At one level, life sucks, at another WOW - what could be. As baz says we all must tread our own path. This forum is incredibly helpful to me.

I think what baz would ask here, would be is there a "we" or a "me" here?

You can get to living a higher quality of life.

You need a plan, some intestinal fortitude and a willingness to pay the price.

Among the myriad of reasons people stay (and most people DO stay) is because they can't be arsed constructing a viable alternative to staying. Can't be arsed really challenging their thinking about their circumstance. Aren't prepared to go "all in" in an effort to reconstruct the dynamic or dissolve the dynamic. It gets put in the "too hard" basket.

Staying is a perfectly valid choice (though whether it is an INFORMED choice is usually up for debate). And the consequences of that choice are yours to enjoy, or rue.

Tread your own path.