I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Eight Years No Sex Or Intimacy

By: 4copper

Written on January 30th, 2013

Married for 18 years but the last eight have been absolutely boring, depressing and on the verge of me thinking of leaving the relationship. I am 63 she is 57 and she has lost all interests in any sort of intimacy or sex of any kind in the last eight years. No kissing..embracing..even sometimes conversation ever happens. She is not having any type of affair that I know and would stake my life on it.....it's not her nature. She is virtually a "workaholic-type" person....very family oriented..constantly living in the past. To try and spur some type of intimate thoughts, for our 15th wedding anniversary I celebrated it with a surprise trip to Italy.....it didn't work. We enjoyed the trip and all it's trappings, but not one inkling of intimacy from her appeared.
Prior to eight years ago we had a very aggressive sex life and everything was good. Whatever happened is beyond me.
she did experience her change of life episode. So maybe that is the problem.....who knows. But that was EIGHT years ago....you might think some interests would return. I am really getting bored with the marriage now though.....we virtually do nothing. It sucks and I can see life passing me by.

By: 4copper

Age: 61-65 , Male

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9 responses

mandown

there is no question in the beginning that menopause was the played a very big role is the entire change of no desire , not wanting for me to see her naked, and then total lack of interest in sex. In discussions (when we had them) eh said she fledt dead as a woman.
The irony to all this is that loving this person there was never any discussion about HRT since that in itself could have caused major medical complications. So here we are so in love with person who is the refuser , that HHRT is off the table for fear of bad side effects but little effort given to both understand and work at other ways to rekindle the spark.
We obviously that didn;t happen and there was never any effort to find a different way or means to be the other 1/2 of that relatiosnhip.
So here os my conclusion ( and since I live with it each day i speak from experience) . The wife is no doubt passive agressive , may have always been, combine that with low libido due to menopause and that supplied the reason (or excuse) and now complete control and the choices left are to leave or tolerate it.
This is waht I decided and it was after a lot of soul searching and thinking about it.
I just finished 1 year of chemo treatment and blood work and test (165 trips for various reasons to doctors and tests) no once during that time, even when i begged was there any effort in any way to satisfy the physical need to help me through or feel grounded when i needed it. The refuser , the passive aggresive, can't really have any fun or victim if you don;t play, so I stop playing, with each new type of control attempt I change my course and show it to be insignificant to me or the situation, I have found that is more frustrating since it ends the enitre battle or discussion and she is forced to try something new of move on.
After several times of this it does open a line of communication and hopefully some form of mutual agreement will happen, if not then I am sure she will reach a point and leave , since I have already stated I have no plans on moving.

Feb 1
1 like
bazzar

Insufficient info here to make any relevant remark.
Keep reading on here buddy.
Tread your own path.

Jan 31
1 like
mandown

I think menopause contributes to it in the beginning, but after that it is a convenient excuse for other problems that may exist. My situation is the same here and I have come to the conclusion it is all about control, and being a passive aggresive, I just said I am not playing.

Jan 31
1 like
DrBanner

Liquidate all of your assets, pack your bags and leave.

Jan 30
1 like
OutOfPatience

I am 63 and in the same situation that you are. You and I have to face the reality that this situation is not going to change for you or me. So, we have three options. You already know what they are I'm sure. Neither of them are easy. Is it beyond hope for you and me to save our marriages? That is hard to say with certainty but the reality is extremely high that it is.
I ask why does it have to be this way. I do not have an answer.

Jan 30
2 likes
- something2talkabout
  "I ask why does it have to be this way. I do not have an answer."
  Do you mean "I ask her why ..."?
  
  Jan 30
  1 like
- OutOfPatience
  No, I ask myself why. I don't think my wife knows why?
  
  Jan 31
  1 like
- something2talkabout
  I suggest you do ask her, if only to find out that she has made it this way and it will stay this way.
  
  Jan 31
  1 like
something2talkabout

What took place when you have tried to talk about this?

Jan 30
1 like

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