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Is He Stupid?

After more than 10 yrs, of a miserable, sexless, intimacy void marriage, He really expects to give me a "crumb" and make everything better. Like I can just turn my emotions back on, and forget the years of neglect I've experienced. Is he THAT STUPID? I know part of "loving" is a choice, however, would you chose to put your hand on a hot skillet? If it's burnt you once... it'll burn you again. It won't be until you turn off the stove, let it cool down, and test it to prove it won't hurt you, before you pick it up again. Right?
A hug won't make it all better. Heck, a kiss won't make it all better. SEX wouldn't make it all better. What will make it better is consistent effort. WORK!!  I really don't understand why that is so difficult to understand! 
He just doesn't "get " it... he has no clue. I've said it.... my actions say it. Is he completely stupid?
His lack of effort just says to me over and over, "I really don't care", "Nothing will ever be different", "I don't want anything more than what we have". What I need really doesn't matter... as long as he's okay, in his mind "we're ok".
I woke up this morning angry. Angry, that I ask him for so little, and he can't seem to care enough to even try. After 24 years, it's not worth the effort. Is he so stupid to think that marriage and relationships, "just happen"? 

ExistsinHOPE ExistsinHOPE 51-55, F 12 Responses Jan 31, 2013

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I have a question for you.. did u realize how stupid he is just now, or u knew it when you married to him? because i see so many girls/women with stupid guys, i cant seem to get it

honestly... I didn't know that he was like this.

This was a big issue for me. For many years I assumed my husband was too stupid to understand my advances and needs even after telling him. I then thought I needed to lower my expectations drastically if I'm dealing with a stupid person. Then when I joined EP and started reading through, I realized this is a rather common approach of Refusers. If we think they are too stupid, we lower expectations and that's just exactly what they wanted all along. THIS realization did not sit well with me to say the least. In fact, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was so insulted and offended that I had been played like that.
It happened to hit me AFTER my husband and I started to work on our marriage but I did have a long discussion about how much this hurt me and asked him to not even deny it- just to listen to what I had to say.

So you ask "Is he stupid?" I would say if this man can raise children, hold down a career and generally do normal daily tasks and isn't socially stupid then no- he's not stupid. BUT he wants you think he is.

Well.. 1) He really didn't raise our kids... I did. He watched.
2) He is socially inept wouldn't say stupid... just incapable of having real friends without me directing.
3) I agree, if he isn't totally stupid, he at least wants me to believe he is incapable of not only having a real relationship, paying bills, mowing the yard, going grocery shopping, folding clothes...etc.

I think he should pair up with my wife they could make a good pair, she doesn't do anything, that's part of a real relationship, all the boring stuff, still needs to get done. I feel for you, coz im in the same situation

awww I'm so sorry. I wouldn't wish this lifestyle on anyone. It massively stinky!

Do you love him?

Love as in care about yes... love as "IN Love"... NO

I figured so. I did not sound like it. So, you are the stupid one for staying married to a man you do not love.

Is it stupidity - or is it lack of emotional intelligence? There is plenty of evidence to suggest that people with limited emotional intelligence are NOT able to be good partners.

honestly... E I think it's a combo. He's not the brightest bulb, but he's also ignorant about emotional things. He grew up exactly the way he's behaved in our 24 yrs. Disconnected... and aloof.

In evaluating my own marriage, I have to say, yes... yes he really IS that stupid.

And so was I for not seeing it sooner.

OMG this feels exactly like my husband. We have talked before and I have told him how I feel and he says he's completely happy. Then whenever I tell him what I need he turns it back to me that I haven't done anything so why am I complaining. So i am angry too. We have had sex about 2 times in the last 2 years. So depressing. We used to not be able to keep our hands off eachother. But I agree, as long as in their minds they are ok then of course we are ok. Have you thought about counseling? Even if only for yourself, its good to have some insight on the situation. I am going to start therapy for myself. Sometimes I take whatever HE says as the truth instead of going with my gut. We have to make sure we know what we want and go after that! Good luck!

Tried the therapy thing together... have been going alone for more than a year. Thanks for sharing though, makes me feel better just to know I'm not alone.

I'd worry more about frostbite than burns.

Be strong hun, if things are not okay, then you have to find ways to make you happy and make you okay.
I know how you feel, I know the anger, don't let this determine the person you are going to be, find your kind self again and nurture that, for you, not for anyone else.

I said to my therapist, "I can't tell if he is really mean or really stupid". His response, "If he was stupid would that change your mind?" The answer of course is no. I don't have the energy to invest in figuring out what's wrong with him anymore.

I think labels are important as they help us process. I don't think I would use "stupid", but something that fits better, like, Is he that insensitive? Is he that self-centered? Is he that uncaring? Does he care for we? Does he care for me?

That's exactly what I am trying to get at Brother S. Apply whatever label you like to his intimacy averse behaviour. The labelling will not make a blind bit of difference to his intimacy averse behaviour. The intimacy averse behaviour is what you make the call on. Either it's a dealbreaker - or it is acceptable.

YOU are both right, it doesn't matter whether he's stupid or just plain insensitive or he could even have a personality disorder that keeps him from being a "real person"... the reality of it all is, I'm alone... I'm tired of being treated as unimportant and I certainly need affection, compassion and empathy. That is the reality of the issue.

EIH, i suggest he's not stupid. just completely unaware. if/when you change your dynamic, he will either panic, or some other reaction. but, so long as telling him what you need is the only step you take, he'll continue the way he's been.

the changes can start small & grow. sort if like a snowball rolling down a snow covered hill. example: start taking time to do something (new/additional/different) for yourself. regularly. like: working out; visiting your local coffee shop for a few hours; mani pedi; coffee or lunch or dinner with girlfriends; taking your child(ren) on a weekly fun outing. the point here is to do something new, that feeds *your* happiness, and is solely for you. (e.g., ME thinking). gradually introduce more such "me" focused activities in your life. please yourself.

learn to make things about you. like you. value you.

eventually small successes lead to larger.

get the idea?


<p>I mean no disrespect by this, but there have actually been TWO of you in this dynamic for 10+ years.</p><p>He owns his behaviour in the situation, no question about that, but by the same token, you own your choice (thus far) to stay in the situation. By so doing you've sent a clear message to him that his behaviour was acceptable.</p><p>The dynamic may now be changing, but you both own your piece of it up until now.</p><p>He may well be stupid. Might be a complete cementhead. That might be the "why" he is intimacy averse to you. But knowing "why" doesn't actually help any. He will remain 'stupid' / 'intimacy averse' to you whether you know "why" or whether you don't.</p><p>His behaviour is either a deal breaker for you - or - it is acceptable.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>

yeah I guess you are right.... I'm as stupid as he is, if I continue.

don't beat yourself up. you realize now you've stayed, for whatever reasons. you woke and smelled the coffee. make your decision and make steps accordingly.

There's a BIG difference between being stupid, and being uninformed. I'd suggest Sister E, that up until recent times you have been "uninformed".

See, your husband could have claimed being "uninformed" up until when you laid it on him recently. Now he IS informed. That he has chosen to do nothing even though he is now "informed" does seem to suggest that he IS stupid.

You (me / anyone) can do something about being uninformed. But we can't do anything about being stupid. Stupid is forever.