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After So Much Struggle

It was suggested to me elsewhere that my story may help people here and so I chose to copy paste it. I hope it helps or brings clarity to some of you...

After 3 years of self reflection it boils down to a few things.
Ask yourself seriously...
Do you feel good about being with your partner ?

Do you want to be near them?

Are there fundamental undermining problems which actually destroy(destroyed) the relationship and your self worth dignity? Can you forgive these? Can you live with these hits?

Will you as a person feel better being free of all the drama in your relationship?

Have you ever realized you are being manipulated or abused or micro manged by your spouse to keep you controlled.? Look up emotional abuse and narcissistic personalities.

Are you sick of being told how stupid you are?
Are you sick of being told your dreams are wrong?
you are not capable.

Did you seek the comfort outside your marriage of a woman or man?

It is time to think seriously of your life. Are you better than all this and do you deserve more than it?

Nothing will get better while we write about it.
Nothing will change if we just rationalise it away.
A lover will not take away your issue.

Do you want a chance at a real vibrant partner in your life who loves you will die for you and cant wait to touch you....add support respect trust?

Yes yes I hear you say the kids..the house ..well its all bs. You are just afraid to take control of your life and keep making excuses but take your time because it does take time to understand the real truth. The truth is a ***** that you dont love yourself enough once you know to allow the chance for a better life.

If you dont love them anymore and you dont respect them then respect yourself get counseling join support groups to get to where you know you will be free of those shackles. No I am not refering to the shackles of a marriage but the shackles of a loveless one sided draining soul destroying marriage.
The love of your life could be getting it on with someone else while you wallow in self pity.
If you stay you deserve the pain. If you go it will be scary but a happy single parent home with less money is way better than allowing this poor example to be shown to your kids.
They will grow older you will be older and viagra wont even help you so do it while you are still able to enjoy some years of your life.
Think about it. Who gives a rats arse who you hurt from here on in. If they took care of you you would not be here . So have some concrete and do whats right for you

deleted deleted 26-30 39 Responses Jan 31, 2013

Your Response


I am also in a draining, loveless marriage! I want out so badly but have 2 beautiful daughters at crucial points in their education. I feel so trapped and desperately unhappy, playing happy families is exhausting to say the least. I am at the stage now that the sight of my husband actually repulses me. His controlling, bullish behaviour towards myself and my girls is as with so many men only seen by us! He is sweetness and light to all friends and everyone thinks he is wonderful. I so wish I could expose him for the fake fraud that he is. If only people knew what a useless father and husband he is. Only paying any attention to myself or the girls in company! Any other time he can't be bothered. Grrrrrrrrrr! Fell so angry with myself for not having the guts to just go, I know for sure if he wanted out there wouldn't be a second thought for any of us!

wow thats a story...I was married 10yrs..most of which I took that long to get out.....I love him as a person and always will, but he was a cheater...I always wanted what was best for my I stayed. Hard to believe my divorce has been final a year now...I still have'nt dated or moved forward in that way but as a single mom I have accomplished more in the last yr than in most of my life...I turned 40 last month...I am a proud mother of one, just purchased a home of my own, have a great job, and I'm back in school working towards a masters ...I am blessed....I won't lie....there have been many hard days...and I am a true believer..try everything first...but if it doesnt' work...let go...let God be God in your life and move forward......I hate being alone at times but in time I'm sure I will move forward in that area too....I wish you the best...stay strong...

You've done a great job Sister Faith.

Though, according to one school of thought, such as "MinW" who's writings you can see below, you obviously "gave up too early" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for the good job...and to each his own I guess as for the the writing below.....but it takes 2 to make a marriage can't be forced...and sometimes a bad marriage does more harm to a kid then being son seems to be better now that things are stable then before....don't let them get to you.... divorce is a real part of life... some come quick and others take along time...either way...its life changing and no one should judge so quickly...

Very proud of you!! I know it was hard. Well done!

thank you

1 More Response

People give up to easy
Marriage is not a piece of cake
If it was then there would be zero divorce rate
I'm saying most people today are self centered and selfish which is contrary to what marriage, sacrifice, require.
Today I can say most people are weak vs people prior to current married folks throwing in the towel because DIVORCE WAS NOT AN OPTION YEARS AGO !!!
And yes I'm married
Today there's a lot of weak people who QUIT BECAUSE Marriage is Tough !
Most people QUIT
IF Yes then go back to the beginning and start over

Would you throw out a kid making a mistake No

Then don't treat your mate like trash and divorce. Fix YOURSELF !!!!

Challenge for you Min. Go back through the last 100 stories on here, and find me one where the poster gave up too quickly. Find me just one such example. Just one.
I look forward to seeing you back here with this example - or an apology for your grossly insensitive remark.

Divorce is severe
Trying is hard

Well Min, you either read at extraordinary speed to have covered 100 stories in a matter of 5 minutes (and failed to find a "giver uperer") or you haven't gone back through those 100 stories at all, and don't intend to. I also figure that you are not the apologising kind.
So do me a favour - and **** off.

To bad you can't take it !

Go quit and cry and divorce 10 times
You'll still not have a perfect mate

You can't handle it period !

Well spoken bazzar.
I like your style! lol

MinW actually is living in a sexless marriage and has no idea how to turn it around. Check out his story "I Enjoy Meaningful Conversations / Featured / Would Appreciate Your Thoughts !" You'd never guess it is the same MinW ranting here!

Baz, that's 2 ***** in one hour, you're on fire LOL

I think viewpoints like MinW's serve a purpose. An extremely polarized position with no inclination to engage in dialogue or recognize real life issues such as marital abuse, (be it from refusing intimacy, emotional or physical violence and mental anguish, etc.) just emphasizes how life affirming and nurturing the alternatives are.

Min, Not only do I find it hard to believe that you know what Everyone is doing, how everyone feels, or what Is placed on the heart of each person, I find it hard to believe that you would be able to accurately diagnose a true marital problem (let alone find a solution) in 70+ years. 'Staying' for the sake of not having to say 'I didn't Quit", doesn't make you a winner, it's makes u a liar. Because pretending to be in a mutually loving marriage can only be true if it is. Geography (staying there)has nothing to do with it.

Maybe. But I've been married for 26 years, the last 4 I have tried very hard to bring back some semblance of a relationship with my wife. I agree with you that people head for the exits far too quickly. However marriage should not be a life of servitude. There should be joy, caring, love, understanding... Pep talks are great but sometimes the fire is just completely gone. I have not left yet, I never thought I would or could. Now I'm wondering if the wrong thing can sometimes be the right thing. Very hard call.

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Oh wow, thank you for sharing this. So many similarities.......I might have co-dependent issues too. Need to learn more on that.
And my age scares me too. And, I'm not even sure what I want, or would do - anymore. Like to some degree, have lost myself.
Thank you again for your post.

I did not invent divorce

But today it's real easy to Quit
Another thing I am not advocating
You are !

Min you have absolutely no concept of my or anyone else's married life/relationship.
It is very simple for you to sit in your easy chair and pass judgement. Come spend 30 years with my ego driven, mentally and verbally abusive spouse. Then I'll listen to what you have to say.

What caused Your marriage to crash

It wasn't me

Most people give up And divorce
That's a fact
The week solution is to quit

In business do you get reviewed and paid to solve problems ?
In marriage people quit and don't fix broken partners just throw each other away

Marital problems can only be solved when both parties are willing to participate. When only one party comes to the table an acceptable solution can not happen. Period.

I did not insinuate that you caused my marital difficulities.

This issue is obviously touching a major button in your life. Perhaps, you should do some soul searching and discover the reason for your over reaction to the people here.

Your insensitivity and harsh words are indicative of a bully.
That being recoginzed, I won't dignify any more of your posts with a response.

You are a blessing for me right now. Thank you. I feel like I am finally getting my "feet under me" and can approach this with sanity. Your posts and experiences have been that life line for me. Thank you.

As to Min.......I must apologize for responding and dragging the conversation on. At the moment I seemed to feel the need to respond back.......I think I'm mostly over that now. That 'holier than thou" attitude pushed a button for me, is all. But I still apologize to you.

I agree that shallow replies and parroting are not productive. Delete them if you wish, especially if they interfer with healing discussions occuring. Sometimes that type of stupidity needs to be confronted.........not as starting an agrument.......but many of us can sometimes benifit by reading those viewpoints.
So in your threads you are the KING!!!! Do as you will and I will follow!

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I realized that already, now have to 'just' act on it and see how it goes from there. Thanks for this, I think lots of people can use this advice. Hope you found what you have been looking for, or will find in the future :-)

So true and very well spoken, about life being a storybook. Feel the very same about my bf. Need to have a last try on talking to him, hope he realizes that it's his last chance and if he doesn't grab it with both his hands, well I will know my answer.

Very insiteful, thx and sorry, i was not familiar with your story😊

R u writing this from personal experience? If so, how long was your relationship? Do u have children? Only asking this because they seen to be huge factors to me and others in this same situation.

So full of positive affirmations. My therapyst tells me I need to put them on post it notes and stick them everywhere around my house -especially on mirrors that I use. You're an inspiration. Thanks for sharing your story :)

You said it well. I want to move on but am afraid to leave because I don't have a well-paying job. There is NO way I could afford to live on my own with our 12 year old daughter. I used to think I was staying in this marriage for her -I didn't want to tear apart "her" family, but as time fades away, I'm starting to wonder if I'm causing more harm than good. We can never seem to be together as a family without her dad & I arguing over something. I rented movies for all of us last night, thinking we would have a family movie night... What was I thinking? Arguments occurred...she cried... crying how she wishes we could be like a normal family who can have family fun time together. She screamed out she wanted to heart is breaking for her. Is it time to leave this 16 year, sexless marriage to a man who I'm resenting and not even wanting to be friends with? How do I leave on a very little salary with nothing earned during the summer months?

Thanks for the quick response. I do have a 4 year degree, but decided being a teacher isn't what I want to do anymore. I've been a substitute so I could have flexible hours for my daughter-so she wouldn't have to be in anyone else's care. I guess I have to do some soul searching -think about what I want to do with my life -career opts... One of the weird things I think about when I think of leaving, is how lonely I'll be. I'm already lonely! Our minds can really do a number on us! There's this part of me that doesn't want to be without him, but on the other hand, I'm miserable with him. He is a good guy and a great father to our daughter, but we are just so far apart, I can't imagine a lifetime with him anymore. It's time for the soul searching to begin...

2blu, for yourself, don't wait on connecting with other people. Start now to develop connections with like-minded people, by identiying and doing those those things that you like or want to do. This will help chisel away at the loneliness in your life, now and in the future. True, it won't necessarily be the intimate connection you've always wanted from your spouse, but having normal relationships with others will help when you need people to turn to during tough times. For me, being a member of a flying club, a church choir member and an outdoorsman has gotten me in contact with like-minded people whom I now count among my friends. It has helped a lot with the emptiness at home.

Regarding your daughter. I have a daughter and have wondered the same things. Recently, I saw she had a Facebook page open on her computer, where she was describing to her friend that she thought she was asexual. This ripped my heart out, as my wife is also asexual. Perhaps if I had gotten out, with full custody, my daughter may have turned out different. Now it looks like she will just be like her mother. I didn't see this coming and am still reeling from it. As Lookseen says, you need to take things at your own pace and mine is incredibly slow. As a result, things like this will happen. I wish it were different, but I am who I am and this is the life I live.

I hated my marriage and am glad I got free and am now with my soul mate :) that was awesome writing

talk about...
down to the
bottom line...
yep you hit it...
clearly and concisley...
thanks, well written,
joyinthejourney, clg for thought....good posting, thanks for sharing it...

Excellent points to look at.

good realistic one


Holly ****! Do you know me? LOL! I felt like you had video taped my life! Thanks for sharing! It gave me something to think about!


It is so hard to accept that the person I was with, would require me to be married 'for the both of us'- I couldn't love enough so that we were both content. It was a dark day, when it all started becoming very clear. Within days I was nose to nose with 15 years, three small children (and all that goes with that) and the realization that I just simply couldn't love enough for two of us.

I hear ya girl! I got 3 too and I feel like im living with the anti-christ! I've fought for years to get through to my partner and one day I just realized I never would! And now I don't know what to do! All my friends and family think Im a spineless whimp for not leaving. For some reason I just can't make the leap! Maybe I'm just lazy! The scarriest thing for me is not my own happieness, it is the realization that i may pass down this misery to my children! Thanks for reading!

First of all i want to thank Alison for the post she made on how dr khakani helped her in bringing back her lover before christmas.At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted dr khakani and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely without him,So i told him if he has helped anyone called Alison and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before christmas.i said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved.He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover Scott voice.i was so happy he was begging me on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car saying this is my christmas gift i was so happy and made me had access to his account to prove to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady,Am so happy today and am also thanking Alison for posting this early.Dr khakani you are truly a man of your word.Friends you can contact dr khakani on his private khakanibestsolutioncentre12@gmail .com or cell number +2348062216903.
Name: laura davies

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What a great thread. For me it comes down to this: LIFE IS SHORT. This is it, people. This is your life. The only one you're getting. Every day you waste banging your head into a wall trying to change someone or something that's *not in your control* is a day you miss out on better possibilities.

Is it scary to leave a bad marriage? Of course, it's terrifying. Is it painful? Of course, it's like chewing your own arm off without anesthesia. Is it complicated? Of course, it requires careful planning and decision making. BUT...and this is really all that matters...on the other side of the pain, confusion, doubt, sacrifice you have POSSIBILITY. You have the very high likelihood of being happier.

I am.

this is a real story of life

fantastic story


I can identify with many of these problems and behaviours as I am currently going through my own marriage troubles. The worst thing for me is the fact I am still in love with my wife and the hurt I feel is from the realisation that my wife does actually enjoy all the aspects of being in a relationship, I just don't think she enjoys them with me anymore.
So I think it's time to realise that I need to build a life for me now, concentrate on myself before I get lost in the puddle of resentment and hurt. You can love someone as much as you could possibly love anyone but you cannot make them love you back. Enjoyed reading your story, lots of useful information and vast experiences :)

Good one - you cannot make them love you back. Too right!

Lookseen, I like the way you think!!

We can form a mutual admiration society!!

You are absolutely right. I left mine. Thirty long years. Many tears. But I tried everything. So happy to move on. Have you left yours? Cause it is usually the ones who are free who use words like you do. The others make the typical excuses. Not judging them. But they are foolish and time can never be regained. Thank you for your words. Maybe some will actually hear them.

Refusers make me angry.

We won't like you when you're angry...;p

You should read my divorce story. I bet when it's all over, you will be writing the same thing I did. I lived your story. The hard way you write about it is inspiring.

I heard through so many people " the kids" I'm divorced with children and I have fine to this conclusion if mommy isn't happy then how happy are my children? My ex and I get along actually better then when we were married and we try to keep peace for the kids sake. I left because I refuse to teach my daughter that its OK for a man to belittle her and I refuse my son to grow up thinking its OK to belittle a woman.

Why do people in relationships start out with such intensity but never maintain it, or rather expect each other to be head over heals for each other for not continuing the zeal in the beginning ?

Drugs ?
Money ?
Age ?
Excessive Working !
Low Testosterone ?
High Estrogen in Foods ?
Hormones ?
Selfishness ?
Anger and Resentment after Marriage Why Love Someone who Is Mean and Nasty !
Hollywood Myths About Marriage ?
Starting Out Having a Great Courtship, then Come to a Crashing Halt to Bickering and Fighting !
Hormones in Foods and Chemicals to Kill Sexual Desire ?

And more all play into troubled relationships

Divorce is Easy ! Quiting on someone is even easier ! Solving this issue is hard yet you won't even consider it like so many other QUITERS !!!!

What if You had an accident and couldn't have sex anymore would You expect your mate to immediately divorce you because you suddenly became defective ?

@ MinW
Tell me more about this divorce being "easy".
I certainly didn't find it so, and to be frank, I've not seen anyone else in this group make this claim either.

@MinW, unless you have been there, you really can't know why a person who is dying slowly might be open to choosing some other path for their one and only life. You would do well to avoid trivializing real pain as merely some attack on marriage in general.

Well said, simplygirl!

Thanks enna30. Been here. Those who haven't can't really fathom. Shouldn't even try.

Nice retort, sounds to me like you have given this considerable thought. Been there, not a happy place doesn't do anyone justice to delay the inevitable. Good luck going forward, keep using your "grey-matter"!!!

It's Easy to Give Up
It's Easy to Quit
We Live in a Instant Gratification Society

60 % divorce rate everyone should be real proud how close we've come soon the divorce rate will be 100 %

Did you know that the odds of divorcing after a divorce are higher than 60 %,
People Really Could Careless About Fixing the DIVORCE SPIKING UPWARDS

With attitudes like yours easy come, easy go, the rate of divorce will reach 100 %
I'm saying there are a lot of factors helping divorce spike so high but marriage isn't easy what did you expect when you said I. Do ?

It's just sad there are so many quitters in the USA, than people with a backbone.

MinW, I suggest that you read other posts on this topic. You may notice that very many people here are quite reluctant to leave a sexless marriage and are craving the answers that will help to turn things around. So many really want things to work, but have tried everything they can think of and still haven't found the answer. As Lookseen said, you cannot make them love you back. I believe we are the ones who want to make things work, but our spouses have no interest in doing so. Your comments seem more appropriate for our spouses and not for us. Our spouses that have unilaterally decided that marriage no longer has anything to do with sex - take it or leave it. If the love is dead and gone, what does that say about us, the refused? If we are hopelessly clinging onto the fractured image of a marriage, hoping for better, but not knowing what to do, we frankly all need some analysis! Or some good answers.

Complaining about the divorce rate is just venting and really serves no practical purpose. Write us a few paragraphs on how to make our spouses love us again - I will personally rate you up on that! I have the same feelings about those who condemn abortion and tell everyone how bad it is, but never give an ounce of thought to the woman's situation. All that the condemners accomplish is to make someone feel worse. The groups that I support PROVIDE ALTERNATIVES AND PRACTICAL ADVICE.

I encourage you to do the same.

People give up to easy
Marriage is not a piece of cake
If it was then there would be zero divorce rate
I'm saying most people today are self centered and selfish which is contrary to what marriage, sacrifice, require.
Today I can say most people are weak vs people prior to current married folks throwing in the towel because DIVORCE WAS NOT AN OPTION YEARS AGO !!!
And yes I'm married
Today there's a lot of weak people who QUIT BECAUSE Marriage is Tough !
Most people QUIT
IF Yes then go back to the beginning and start over

Would you throw out a kid making a mistake No

Then don't treat your mate like trash and divorce. Fix YOURSELF !!!!

I'm not divorced

3 years and quiting ?
That's why people can't stand for anything when the going gets tough
No one is tough so quit

Did past generations quit ???
Not as much as a now
Because this new generations can't take the heat do you quit !!!!

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Excellent post and just what I needed to hear.

I have been here.

There is a lot of wisdom in your post. I am struggling with sorting out my life and have been through my own unique hell. Thanks for sharing your views.

My 2 cents (my life is anything but perfect... amazingly dysfunctional atm)

I have learned that for every narcissist in a relationship there is a codependent as the other half. Both are equally at fault and yet both equally faultless. They draw eachother because it is exactly what their life needs in order to force the personal growth each desires. To ***** down the narcissist/codependent topic they are both two sides so the same coin. They are both insecure and fearful. When a person faces their own insecurity they have two paths... to give up their authority/self worth to another (codependent) or to grab for more authority/self worth from others (narcissist).

Either side is empty and painful. To live with a codependent is to be trying so hard to feel love from someone who can't give it because they haven't learned to love their self. Every interaction is empty because they are nothing but a mirror. On the flip-side the codependent believes that giving into every whim and being exactly what the other wants will get them love but both sides are empty.

All too common -- A codependent gets out of an 'abusive' relationship without ever learning their part in it just to start a new one with the same dynamic. And vise versa... a narcissist getting out because they crave an equal relationship to feel love and then get right back into a new relationship with the same dynamic.

In 22 years as the narcissist half of a codependent/narcissistic relationship, what I have learned by creating my own hell is the universe hears your fears... packages up the perfect person to pull you to the fire of self growth... and in the end after all the hurt, all the pain, all the shaking of your fist at the universe, after you have no more fight in you.... all you can do is say thank you. Learn the hard lessons and hope for a break before the next lesson.

In 22 years... I have learned that I haven't yet learned enough to save my marriage.

@Lookseen, I don't know your situation enough to comment directly so I say this generically:

People in a relationship who are codependent believe that they are extending unconditional love by bending themselves to the every whim of a Narc while at the same time resenting them for it -- all the while calling it unconditional love. This is the fallacy that they cling to every bit as strongly as the fallacy of being superior that the Narc clings to. That is not unconditional love. Unconditional love starts with yourself first and someone who loves themselves can't give up their self worth to a Narc and in essence from that very moment forward there is no longer a Narc/CoD relationship. From that point forward the relationship is either over or both parties find a new dynamic to operate from.

That decision to stop feeding the Narc/CoD relationship is extremely difficult and takes awareness and choice on both sides. The danger and worry for most is that once that dynamic falls away, is there anything left to "save"? For some there is and for some the negative spiral was all there ever was.


I've been there and heard that viewpoint many times. That a true far extreme Narc exists in a vacuum but they do not. A Narc requires a codependent to be a narc. There is only way anyone can ever feel negative emotion of ridicule/etc and that is 100% up to the person on the receiving end. CoD must have a victim/villain to function just like a Narc must have a CoD to "feed" from. One can't exist without the other. It is like trying to describe light without using the absent of light in the description. I can tell you have been hurt deeply by the CoD/Narc dance. Unfortunately, there is an extremely high liklihood to repeat that dance with the next person(s), or attempt to enter a CoD/CoD relationship ends very quickly with both people having nothing but shared depression.

It took me a long time to realize that he was manipulating me as well as mentally abusing me. I did not want to see that and for years I thought it was me...that somehow I wasn't trying hard enough for our relationship to take flight.

When I finally realized the truth, I felt a mixture of relief, overwhelming sadness and a little foolish... I consider myself an intelligent woman and here I was experiencing emotional abuse and I didn't see it. But once I realized it, the decision was clear...we had reached a point, or rather I did, when his words had no more power and that was that.

Strange though...I left that relationship and since then I have found the road ahead to be strange and peaceful. I moved to another city, got another job and am starting over. It's always hard to start over, especially the older you are but I must admit it is empowering.

The road ahead, although peaceful, is not always happy. There are days when I wonder if this is it. If there really is no one out there for me. I never feel like I want to go back to the relationship, mind you, but I wonder about the future. I'm not afraid to be alone but I do miss having someone to talk to...a friend.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to vent my feelings. Good luck to all who are going through this. My advice? Hang in there...

I agree. Thanks and likewise.

Get involved in things that interest you - you'll find people there with the same interests. Just like you needed a plan to end the SM, you do need a plan to connect with like-minded people when you are free and clear. Get back into life! It will take wrok, but it will be time well spent. Hope this helps and wishing you the best.

It's not easy because they're not bad people, they are simply "not right" for what we need. My ex-fiancee is a sweet, hard-working, caring man, but God how I hate the way he undermines everything I say/do. It's very painful, we work together and we're trying to get along at least until we sell the things we both own, but even though I miss him so much, each day I see the way he still tries to hurt my selfsteem to make me vulnerable and that makes me happy that I asked him to leave. As you said, I want that supportive, loving, respectful yet inperfect partner, and I truly hope he can find such partner as well. PS: it's not the cliche of the woman kicking out the man, I simply happened to have bought the house before he came along

Leaving is a scary thought especially after feeling not worthy. My situation my fiance is an addict so I know he loves me but the addiction takes over to make me feel like he don't love me at all. Then when I kick him out the addiction gets worse so I am scared my kids will hate me if he dies. So I feel its better to keep him around. I got raped while being with him and didn't tell him. Due to that we have an 8 year old that he signed the birth certificate. 4 kids even though I know I do it on my own I am scared to death. I don't want anyone else but him. He is my first and only love so now I do feel stuck

I just moved out on January 5, I didn't feel sad, I felt relieved, it took me a year to make the decision, I sometimes get mad at myself for taking that long, good luck on your journey

Lookseen, well stated!

I agree with you and I took the hardest step I had ever taken and I finally left. I risk losing alot but All of that will come back around. I had already left myself a long time ago by staying miserable and constantly hoping and wishing it would change. You have to decide if You are worth it. All the excuses in the world are just fear. After 27 years of marriage I just could not do it anymore. I am scarred and being alone for the first month was hard, but the second month has been better. I am healing. I feel stronger. And the biggest thing: i feel a sense of relief. No sex yet, but I feel so much better mentally. I will be in the right place in myself when that time comes again in my life. I feel I now have control over alot of my situations. No more sitting around whining about being lonely and sexless and why me. You have to make a choice, to take a chance if you want to make a change. Good luck to you!

You do care. And you are right. It is abuse and control. But you stay out of love and loyalty. But the damage it does to your sense of self is not good. I had to make a change. It was not only the lack of sex. It is the lack of the intimacy and closeness you share as a couple. That died. Then I felt a part of me starting to die. Then my love for him died. Its very sad. But maybe our story had reached its end? The kids were grown and then there wasnt anything left.

It isn't an easy step to take but what is the alternative? Living the way I was, wasn't any easier. Now I am trying to heal and I do have alot of support. Hopefully the next half will at least have me happier. I am in least in control of most of it. Good luck to you. You will make the decision when you are ready.

@ Lookseen - yours is an interesting launching platform. I understand that it is call to action. One thing sits slightly off kilter to me and that is the hard edge to this rally without a balancing acknowledgement of our own responsibility in the dynamics and how the need to understand our own darkness. IMO this is important lest we bring our bag of unresolved issues into the next relationship. Be well.

I agree. Would also like to add that you must forgive to take the negative feelings out of your heart before moving forward.

That is very true.

my great aunt charlet was in a sexless, loveless, marriage with a selfish man who emotionally and verbally abused her. it took her several years before she was ready for another relationship. she had to learn to be by herself and be content and let her heart heal before moving on. it was quite the journey just for a divorce.

and he was the one crying "why?" even though she told him she was gonna divorce him and he didn't believe her.

Most people in shithole marriages (such as grace this groups boards) end up continuing with the default choice - of staying in the situation.

"Why" they choose this is not usually known. But they do. Stay that is.

One can make the case for a different choice (to staying) on many many levels. These pages are full of such dissertations. Yet, most people stay in their shithole marriage.

You lose me a bit where you say - "Who gives a rats arse who you hurt from here on in" as I don't think that philosiphy is a real good fit for what I see of the membership here, plus, I don't think that adopting such a position will prove to be all that life enhancing longer term.

Anyway, welcome aboard.

In going through your past posts in various groups, I didn't pick up where you are on this continuum. I am assuming that you have "left" ????

Tread your own path.

So you have "left" ????

Yep. In Oct 2009

I am yet to see a story in here that says "I left my shithole marriage, and I really wish I was back in it" but I do see plenty of them saying "I left my shithole marriage and regret I didn't do it earlier".

Baz since when does the "why" matter?

"Baz since when does the "why" matter?"
OS, where do you see Baz asking about the "why"? He asked the OP if he had left his marriage - that is not asking about the "why".

Lonely, "but there's no guarantee that happiness awaits on the other side either".
I think you might be surprised to know that happiness is almost certainly assured! Does that mean a new relationshiop that fulfills all your dreams? Possibly but there are no guarantees.
BUT! You can live as your authentic self. You are NOT living as a person whose life is dictated to by another person. You are NOT living in a situatiion where you know your needs will NEVER be met. YOU are living a life over which YOU have control - and that allows you to make choices to improve and enhance your life. For most of us, this is definitely a form of happiness worth having . . . .

@bazzar: I am yet to see a story in here that says "I left my shithole marriage, and I really wish I was back in it" but I do see plenty of them saying "I left my shithole marriage and regret I didn't do it earlier".

Best. Observation. Ever. Inaction always takes less effort than action, but if it's got to be done, it's got to be done - and sooner is generally better than later.

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