So I met this guy. I truly intended for it to be a one time thing but there was just... chemistry. So we have gone out a few times, talked on the phone a lot and have decided to date exclusively. Herein lies the trouble. Those who know my history know that I have an awkward living situation. I just can't figure out how to make this work. Having a boyfriend, by definition, means spending time with him and I don't know how to do it. Last night we had a pretty emotional conversation where he said I was treating him like an affair and he didn't want that. He is right, I have been sneaking around lying about where I am going. So what to do? My mind is spinning.

It all comes down to the fact that STBX will not leave the house. Hell, it's been months since our 'we need to divorce' talk. If he were gone I would have no problem getting someone to watch the kids so I could have a little time away. As it is, he will not take care of his children and my parents, who are my go-to babysitters, think I shouldn't be dating while we are still living together. I'm not working right now so I can't afford to hire a babysitter.

Also, I'm doing this play which means I am gone for 2 to 3 hours every weeknight for rehearsals (STBX is paying for this babysitter against his will since he says he can't take care of the baby). Part of me feels like this is all the 'me' time I am allowed. I am with the baby all day every day and my 6 year old all the time he is not in school. I make sure we do homework and dinner every night before rehearsals. But I still feel like leaving them for a day on the weekend is abandoning them.

What this situation is really bringing out is how much my life still revolves around STBX. Will he watch the kids, will he freak out if I go on a date, will he paint me to be an unfit mother? BF said to me, "At some point you are going to decide to start dating, maybe that will be with me maybe not, but you are going to have to decide how you are going to deal with this." He is right. I don't know what to do. I just want to live in a world where I can openly say that I am going to watch the Super Bowl with my boyfriend, but that feels out of reach. It seems as if the world has decided that there is a certain amount of time I am meant to be alone and that time doesn't start until I am living alone.

sidenote: laureltree posted in the forum about being 'normal' in a relationship. When making plans for this weekend bf asked what I wanted to do. I gave him a suggestive, "You know what I want to do". I felt panic set in when he said, "No, I mean go somewhere" and then a little ridiculous when his next sentence was, "of course sex is a given, I just thought you'd like to go out"
The sex is a given, so hard to wrap my mind around.
Maleficent77 Maleficent77
31-35, F
6 Responses Jan 31, 2013

Never trust a father who can not take care of his kids.

Thank you all for giving me some clarity. I am not giving up on this but will be proceeding with caution. Some people have told me that if I showed up with a bf that STBX would decide to leave. These people have not dealt with a P/A. However, I have a strategy to get him out. Then, as you say, everything will fall into place.

Adopting a "me" position means acting in your longer term best interests.

At times, this will mean making a choice between doing something NOW that will have a short term gratification element, or NOT doing it because it is not in your longer term best interests to do so.

The "me" position does not mean that you do what you ******* well like whenever you like. The "me" position means making informed choices that are in your long term interests.

Your core problem is getting cementhead physically distant from you. You get that fixed then everything else falls into place all by itself.

So - does announcing to all and sundry that you and he are an item and openly attending the Superbowl party advance that agenda ?

It does ?? Great. Do it.
It doesn't ?? Fine, don't do it.

Your choice. Make it an INFORMED choice.

Tread your own path.

Well, he needs to be understanding of your situation. You aren't completely divorced yet. He may be fantastic, but he needs to be realistic about how things can be for now. Especially since you have kids.

maleficent, a few things:

first, giant hugs your way. you're, as Lao says, walking the gauntlet right now. it's a hard path. but eventually it will get better.

second, it occurs to me your suitor is fully aware of your circumstances, yes? don't you then think its a bit much for him to be pushing you so hard? it doesn't feel right to me.

next, be VERY careful of what could happen if your new interest decides (because he obviously wants more of and from you) to "out" you.

what has your atty said as regards your rights if such a situation should come about?

this could be what mvc alludes to above.

please be cautious. you deserve, definitely, personal happiness. a combustible situation will not do anyone any good right now.


There is some pushing, and it makes me uncomfortable, but I feel like I am just being pushed to do what I need to do anyway. I need to get out from under STBX. I live in a no fault state so I don't think there can be any legal consequences unless he says I am neglecting the kids (which I am not). Need to talk to my lawyer. This could drag on forever and I don't know how much longer I can put my life on hold.

Yes definitely talk to a lawyer. I understand wanting to take your life back (you deserve it). Just make sure that it won't cost you custody of your kids.

While I was typing this he sent me a text that just said "You make me happy" *sigh*