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Ema When Iliasm

My husband is unable to has sex due to health issues and jokingly told me one time that I should get a lover and that I deserve to have someone make love to me since he can't. I abruptly said no, then we haven't spoke about it since. Now I'm wondering if I should. How can a woman not get their heart involved and how can this not ruin our already fragile marriage? I have needs and miss physical closeness. The romance department in our marriage is pretty much a big fat zero.
Desperateillinoishousewife Desperateillinoishousewife 36-40, F 9 Responses Jan 31, 2013

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If you are seriously considering his suggested option, please read my story "outsourcing your needs". It will give you information that you may find useful in your decision making.

It sounds like a sick joke.

I would probably say there was some truth behind his comment. He just masked it off as a joke.

I would consult a lawyer and find out your rights cause as Bazz so rightly stated his reaction to any news of affair is likely to be volcanic.

And yes you do deserve to be loved. Just start planning your exit plan if you think husband is unwilling or unable to resolve his health issues.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you.

For several reasons.

1 - if you go down the affair path, your husband may react volcanically when he finds out and instigate a split.
2 - if you go down the affair path, you might meet the 'soulmate' and need to dump the husband to be with the 'soulmate'.
3 - his potential for early death. It would be handy to know how your life might look like should he not be around.

The affair route requires a very informed choice. There are many potential traps in it.

Tread your own path.

Is he unwilling to find other ways to provide for your needs HIMSELF? There is more than one way to go about it, after all...

Yeah there's more than one way to go about it I suppose but it just isn't doing it for me anymore. Don't think I would ever even pursue this anyway, but just thought I'd see what everyone said.

This was how my husband and I chose to deal with the issue. He has health issues that severely affect his libido. I now identify as polyamorous. The problem I see is that if the marriage isn't rock solid, an external relationship can make you feel like your marriage is a waste of time. On the other hand, working through our agreement made me realize how wonderful my husband really is. He's a wonderful man who has selflessly admitted that he wants me to be happy, even if it means I need someone else to fulfill some of my needs. In doing so, he's made our bond even stronger. There are some good books on the subject of open relationships. I'd suggest The Future of Love or Opening Up as starters. Keep in mind that these are considered alternative lifestyles, and some of the issues addressed in the books may not apply.

I understand that your husband can not preform sex for heath reasons but that does not have to stop him from zeroing out the physical closeness and romance. If it is all at zero maybe you need to find someone new for all your needs.. just my thoughts.

BTDT. You can pursue this, but it will be difficult not to get your heart involved. Also, experiencing intimacy elsewhere is likely to make you even more aware of what is lacking in your marriage. Even if he never found out, it could destroy what is left of the marriage for you.

If he joked about it, you should confirm with him, and do it! Just look at it as sex, not a relationship.