Suddenly He Won't Touch Me!

I am reading everyone's stories and I never thought I would have one to share like this too.  I am in a 2nd marriage, my husband is 10 yrs younger than I.  He is a South American man, and we had hot, frequent (as in daily or more often) sex for the first 4 yrs knowing each other.  We married 1 1/2 yrs ago, and also moved to his country right after that.  There have been many changes for me to adapt to a new culture and language, but I believe that I have made a pretty big leap for a woman my age (just turned 50).  I do not look nor act my age, and most people assume that my husband and I are the same age or occasionaly that I am younger.  What seems to have happened is this:  After I came back from a trip to the US last year, being gone 2 months, he suddenly couldn't seem to have sex with me.  Of course, I was mortifiied and mystified, thinking and accusing him of having an affair.  I know that during that time I was a bit heavier than I had been, and so assumed that now since I wasn't perfect he was turned off.  Well, we were having some sex but not nearly as much, and I kept asking what the matter was.  Then he said some things, thinking he was being "truthful" and "sincere" but his delivery couldn't have been more devastating.  He told me I was looking old, things about my skin, my "odor" (I have no bad odor, I am a pretty woman)  and taste, and that he "knows a lot about biology" (whatever that means) but of course I believed him.  I figured he was much more interested in a younger hot Colombian girl now that he was back in his country and in his element.  Well, this went on and I trimmed down about 10-15 lbs (I am 5'7 and 140, not fat) and I had a liposuction to restructure my shape.  But still his lack of interest seemed to persist, until he started in on me again about how he was "not in love with me anymore" but that he loves me very much.  I of course thought he had someone else again.  We had sporadic sex, but now it seems I must always initiate it and he never will do oral sex on me (didn't do it much before anyway) although I service him this way.  He never seems intent on pleasing me.  He said he doesn't know what his problem is, that it is something in himself, and even suggested maybe to go to counseling, which we did 2 times, but difficult for me because it is all in Spanish.   I understood pretty well, just can't speak as well as I'd like.  Anyway, I was incredibly hurt by his words and his lack of interest in me, felt ugly, unfeminine, rejected, and all the time I am very much in love with him and want him so badly.  Not just for sex, but the intimacy and caring that goes with sexual contact.  So the counselor said this was not my fault, had nothing to do with me but with him and suggested he return to therapy for a while and maybe after a few months we will know if we can solve our problems.  I went for a another trip to US for 5 weeks, mainly because my husband wanted to be alone and couldn't take my moping around, but how else could I feel?  So the counselor said, well okay, go and husband can come to therapy while you are gone.  He didn't go, said he was too busy.  We spoke often on the phone, but on the day I was to return he called and began to say he was "nervous" about my return and was worried.   I actually had been feeling very upbeat that day but then this just slammed me down and my gut began the churning that I have so often these days.  So I  returned with great trepidation and after being apart 5 weeks, he hasn't touched me.  I have been home a week.  So now going on 6 weeks.  One night I tried just to touch him for intimacy, and he pushed me away.  I cry almost every day and often wake up in the middle of the night unable to sleep.  What is going on with him?  How does someone just overnight get like this?  It's not like we had a gradual slide towards infrequent sex.  He is just so not into me!  We will return to counseling, but I do not feel very hopeful right now.  I thought men liked sex, and after 6 weeks would be bursting.  I asked him if he has maybe some physical problems.  I asked him if he even has been ************ while I was gone and he was kind of vague, said no or maybe 1 or 2 times.  I asked him doens't he feel any desires, and he says no.  He is youthful, slim, 39 yrs old.  What the F***!  I, for one, want to have our marriage but do not think I can just be a roommate.  What am I missing here?  Thanks for listening.
anniecoyote anniecoyote
46-50, F
6 Responses May 27, 2007

Thanks RobinJoy..that's really about the best response I have received. I have talked with my husband at great length, and I am convinced he is not having an affair. He just is a very admittedly immature guy that wants his freedom and suddenly can't relate to having a wife and has many other issues. He has never had a penny to his name and likes it that way, and I think differently. I know that you must be prepared in life for situations, with savings, with a plan. He likes to live day to day, and I guess that is okay, but it is not working in a marriage. It is hard to just walk away from him because I do love him and so many things about him, but this is really unfulfilling that he "cares" about me, loves me as a person, but cannot be a husband to me now. It is actually very hurtful. He sees no reason to go back to the therapist, would prefer that we live apart for a while, and then maybe "visit" each other. How cold is that? Where am I supposed to go when I must stay to finish at least 4 months of orthodontia that I began here. If I leave, in the USA they will just undo everything and make me start over. I have never felt so between a rock and a hard place. I had thought to move to Bogota and enroll in a Spanish school, and travel back and forth to my city, Bucaramanga, to continue the orthodontia and visit with my husband. But this seems so lonely, in a foreign country, in a foreign city. He says it is us both, maybe I am slanted in my view but I feel he has committed a very great injustice to me and that my part in it is minimal. I know it takes two to mess things up, however. I pretty much feel it is over and that he will never be a loving, sexual partner to me or a husband. So how do I go on for these 4 months? I don't know. But thank you for your words. I feel more loved by a stranger than by my own right now.

Hi Annie,<br />
Everyone is always so quick to say dump the jerk like it is as easy as throwing out the left overs in the back of the fridge. When you have invested so much of your body and soul to this man you love it's not that simple. But they are absolutely right that YOU are beautiful and you are allowed to have wants and needs and desires. They don't make you a bad person or that you're asking too much. What you are longing for are the things that should be in a marriage, they are needs that every person craves and expects. Especially after you gave up your home and country to follow him to his. The therapist is right, it is 110% his issue. While I know none of this makes it any easier. I just wanted to say that you aren't crazy or selfish, you are beautiful, and you deserve to expect the best for yourself. If you had a daughter in your situation what would you want for her? What would you tell her? And just remember that you don't deserve an ounce less than that.<br />
God bless you and best wishes.

you are beautiful, desirable and wantable. remember those things. he sounds like and i hate to say- that he is having an affair. it seems like the only reason he would be "nervous" about your return and have the lack of intimacy you shared prior to your marriage. continue going to therapy until you decide what you need to satisfy you!!!

Sorry anniecoyote I can´t be sure 100 percent of course, but well I am almost sure he is cheating of you, the reason of his cheating is not your age, or that you are not so youthful looking. The reason is other woman and sometimes even 25 years old girls have to deal with philanderers cheating on them. I am sorry you had to undergo a liposuction, just to please him, I am not judging you but hey, take a grip you should never do these kind of things for a man. That is demeaning for women. Dump the jerk he is not going to change. Sex was good but now is not and most probably he is getting it elsewhere. I am sure you will suffer, but for your sanity do that. Now, your case is not of a sexless marriage because one of the spouses has low libido but we are talking about philandering. Hugs and there is plenty of 40 somethings and 50 somethings that can give you the reassurance you need. Do not work hard on this honey, it is just not worth it. Agressor or not agressor most men would be more than happy if the woman is the one that approaches for the sex.... specially like you said, sex was hot and heavy before. Hugs

Thanks white swan...I am not too sure he has been doing it away but maybe thinking of it or had one or two...you kind of know these things and he is also a bit bashful about sex, not wanton like me, I am definitely the agressor, but when everyone weighs in with the same opinion as you I guess the writing may be on the wall. Thanks for your feedback!

Oooh, Girl! I may be wrong but I'm 99% sure you are dealing with another woman here. Hate to say it but damn, why else would he suddenly turn on you and not be interested whatsoever after all that time together with good and normal sex between you??!<br />
"Too busy" for counselling appts says one thing, and one thing only: not a priority in his life. <br />
Age has nothing to do with this, but maturity and level of commitment is all there is to it. <br />
Bless your heart, stop trying to figure him out and get PISSED instead!<br />
You are beautiful (no matter your size! and/or skin condition!) and you are not deserving of this. <br />
Even if you one day look old, that is no reason to stop loving someone and enjoying a marriage. Thats just plain foolish and extremely shallow.<br />
I have to tell you, he is showing CLASSIC signs of adultery. I think you may not be involved with a man who has sexual impotence, but rather one who is dealing you a heaping helping of emotional impotence. <br />
I am 43 and look damn good for my age...but compared to my daughters who are 18 & 20 years younger than me??Come on! People think we are sisters in the mall, but they never mistake me for the younger sister. Get my drift? It's not that you dont look good, it's that he's comparing you to someone 20 years younger than you. And no matter how beautiful we are, we will never be 25 or 39 again (THANK GOD!!!)<br />
This dude is taking you for a ride and you need to hold onto yourself, keep your dignity and beauty close to your heart -- dont squander it on such a jerk. You relax and make your plans to get out while the gettin's good, is my advice.<br />
One thing we all know in this situation of no sex within a good marriage, so to speak: the offending partner usually carries the blame and works twice as hard to make the rest of your life very happy.<br />
I hear how beautiful I am, how intelligent I am, how much he appreciates me in his life....he tunes in to my deeper emotions. That of course is what lets me love him and keeps me in this relationship --- we arent based on sex. <br />
Your husband is turning on you. You dont deserve that.<br />
FIGHT BACK.