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Where To Start When There Is Nothing??

Has anyone seen the movie Hope Springs? Well the couple in the movie reminded me of my husband and I (except for the seperate bedrooms). Our days are just the same-work, dinner, kids, relaxing (usually separate activities) and bed. Just about the same, everyday. We talk, get a long for the most part, but there just isn't any real relationship there. I feel sometimes that we are like roommates. I sometimes don't want to be around him because he annoys me. If you read my other post, you will see that my husband has been gaining lots of weight, to the point where he cannot have intercourse because of it (believe me, we have tried). And with this it has brought a whole slew of problems and resentments from me.

So, I'm eating healthier, going to the gym and want him to do this with me. Something for us to do, together (usually its stuff we do alone or as a family, never just the two of us). I am not ready to give up on our marriage, not willing to sleep with someone else or throw our 16 years down the drain. But where do I start to get some sort of spark back? Even if its not sex, I want intimacy. I want us to WANT to be close together, but with life, you know how it gets, we get laxed in what is important. We didn't go on a date for over a year.

What worked for you? What suggestions do you have to rekindle something that really isn't even there anymore???
Desperateillinoishousewife Desperateillinoishousewife 36-40, F 5 Responses Jan 31, 2013

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I hated that movie. It just depressed me. I cried the whole thing thru, out of sadness. I fortunately/unfortunately have a spouse who wants to fix our sex life and spark... but it was never there for me. I am having a hard time creating something that wasn't there and has been complicated and compounded over 15 years and 4 kids later with hurt and other issues. I feel guilt every day, but I cannot pretend anymore. If the other person has no desire then there is no hope outside of an act of God. I say move on. If they do... then its up to you what you do if it works or not. Me? I'm staying cuz I have 4 kids. I can't be selfish for me but I am not willing to hurt myself emotionally anymore either. STUCK.

Of course they work it out in the end. Guess it's for all us dreamers out there.

But if you noticed it didn't really show how they fixed it so much as that they did... The scene with them in front of the fire... that made me want to vomit. Its my life, but I feel I'm the one at fault for that. :(

You can have all the best intentions in the world. Unfortunately it takes a we to rekindle spark.

So far his form guide suggest that he is not even remotely intrested in improving his game. You have offered him valuable help and support on a Silver Platter. Not many wives would be willing to go to the gym etc in order to improve husbands life.

Its up to him to take your initative and start change. As the old saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Where to start ?

The first thing that would help you is to construct a solid base from which you can operate. You need a bit of certainty in your life to have stable footing from which you can make objective and informed choices.

You need an alternative. That will NOT fall out of the sky, you will have to construct it.

Go and see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. From the financial and custodial facts you establish by doing this, you can put together an exit strategy for a potential life for you post marriage (if it ends up coming to that scenario)

There is you safety net. Your insurance policy. Your fall back position. Your alternative to your present life.

With that viable alternative under your feet, you can turn your attention to the marital issue from a position of strength and certainty. That you will be OK no matter what happens. (Without such a viable alternative, you are operating from a position of weakness and uncertainty. This is NOT a good basis from which to make informed choices about your future.)

What you might do then about the marriage, and how you might do it has as many variations as you like. But bear in mind that YOU wanting to do something about the situation is one thing. Without the full and enthusiastic participation of the other party, nothing happens. On your stories thus far, there is no evidence that the other party in your dynamic has any enthusiasm or motivation, so it would be very wise to run the clock on how long you are going to keep carrying the full load here.

Tread your own path.

I wish I could "like" this response 1000 times.
Desperate, this is what I did almost step by step. I had come to the end of my rope and set a plan in place, understanding that I may have to use it.
First though, I wanted to tell you that even if you and your husband don't work out- you have not "thrown 16 years down the drain." No relationship is wasted. There is constant growth going on for us and even if you don't make it work, you have gained by the time you've spent together. What you REALLY need to think, instead of that you would be throwing 16 years down the drain, is that you have learned and taken all you can from this relationship.

Anyway, that doesn't seem to apply, yet. I encourage you to read my first story "Possible Hope, a Breakthrough of sorts." If your husband isn't enthusiastic and happy to be making things work- it will not work. It just can't when only one person wants it.

My suggestion for you (to rekindle - or start to) is first have an exit plan lined up "just in case." Once that is established, lay all the cards on the table for your husband. Ask him how he can help get the flame back burning. But more than anything, watch his response in the days that follow and months as well. You can tell if someone is looking at this like a chore or if they are genuine.

You continue to live as healthy a life as possible.

If your spouse wants to join you, then that is valuable. If he does not, what you will find is that as the years pass and you grow mentally and keep healthy, you will leave him behind. The chasm between the healthy you and the unhealthy spouse will become wider and wider. There is no way for that to not hapen - unless you remain down on his low level of physical fitness which would be engaging in self harm simply to keep the relationship going at his low level of engagement.

He will probably become more irrelevant to your life with each passing day as you pursue activites that add value to your life.

He owns his behaviorial choices like you own yours.

He has to want to be close too and take the action necessary (from your past story it reads like he need medical intervention) - you cannot work his half of the circle so all your wishing and actions to be closer might not bear any fruit over the long term.

You must be prepared for that to happen.

May I suggest you read widely on this forum?

"But where do I start to get some sort of spark back? Even if its not sex, I want intimacy."
Join the Club!

"What worked for you? What suggestions do you have to rekindle something that really isn't even there anymore??? "

Please let us know the answers you receive. There are thirty thousand people here waiting to hear these self-same suggestions . . . !!

Overwhelmed at how many people are in the same boat. This marriage thing isn't all that its cracked up to be.

A functional marriage is about the best deal going that there is. A mutually supportive "we" situation.

But a dysfunctional marriage, where there is no "we" is a sham.