25 Years Of RejectionHow many times can you make advances only to be rejected before this begins to build resentment and impact your own self-image as being worth loving and being desirable? I cannot say but in know it began happening to me more years ago than I can count and would have destroyed me had I been any less strong or perhaps we are stronger than we realize.
Ironically one of the motivating factors for marriage was that my wife was far more sexual and responsive than any other woman I had dated and I did not want the situation that I saw as far too common in the marriages I knew of – couples who were barely sexual if at all after a few years of marriage. Now 25 years and 4 kids into a marriage we find ourselves not sexless but close and the joke is on me.
Only in the last few years has it gradually dawned on me the tremendous amount of anger and resentment I had been harboring for my spouse for the seemingly endless number of nights I had made sexual or romantic gestures only to retreat lonely and rejected to my side of the bed. My spouse it should be noted is not evil or vindictive but she never seemed to have energy or interest in recreational sex although otherwise the relationships seemed fine.
I the past 6 or so years has she been diagnosed with significant hormone disorders impacting adrenal function, thyroid, and all the sex hormones. She has been working with one of the leading experts in the field supplementing the missing hormones but because her body is never the same month to month or even day to day the results are very hit and miss. She still lacks energy and her messed up hormone levels make her very prone to yeast infections and irregular periods with often very short cycles. There may be once or twice a month she is actually interested if not infected and then I find I resent that I am supposed to be responsive during her rare windows of sexual availability.
We had argued and fought about this issue our entire married life and were we not so well matched in every other area I suspect we would never have survived this long. Any enter the diagnosis which for me was a HUGE help. I could now blame her disease not her personally for the rejections and I could now see that she simply could not and would not ever be able to be a real sexual partner to me. She would do what she could but the idea that she would be able to meet my needs was now firmly off the table.
So I began looking at the moral ethical issues. How are such situations resolved? She had suggested some time prior that if she was unable to meet my needs I would simple need to look outside the marriage and she would not ob
Then months later I finally meet someone who has the potential or being a perfect stop - gap partner. She wants an ongoing sexual relationship with an older man which I am, does not want me to marry me – in fact knows I would be unsuitable as she wants kids years down the road and I am fixed. She knows I am married and sees herself as no threat to the marriage and says so bluntly.
So now you see where things are however, when I suggest I would like to follow her advice and outsource the sexual demands that she cannot meet due to illness etc. Now she is pissed and wants to try and meet them. WTF!
I told my wife bluntly PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. The only way I have been able to forgive the rejections of more than 20 years is to blame your disease and if you suddenly are able to be more sexual then I know that you rejected me all these years because you wanted to, not because you couldn’t and I not think I could handle that.
I understand that to allow this she must accept to a degree the idea that sexually she is a failure and I understand competitiveness between women so perhaps I am nuts. You would think it would come as a relief to deal with this source of conflict and have it gone. I think If I lost my sex drive she would be happy and content but to have me find any satisfaction with someone else then is unacceptable even if she has little to no interest. I would never turn her down for the new woman – she would always remain my wife and first priority as she has all these years. It is not as if I am doing the other girl in front of her etc. However I reach the point in life where I need to be sexually desired by someone and it seems most unlikely that my wife can do that. She told me I thought if you felt loved you wouldn’t miss the sex. I told her I feel loved when I am desired and wanted which usually ends in sex. I have a hard time feeling loved when I an important aspect of my being is ignored. It is heartbreaking in every aspect and on every side.
Has anyone ever successfully openly juggled two women and kept things working for both? People have discreet affairs and do so successfully; however you want to define successful in the context of an affair which means there is some type of marriage failure involved.
Maybe I should just give up the idea of ever being loved sexually again. I do love my partner no matter how bitter I feel about the sexual rejections. We do not want to end the marriage we both agree on that but the stress of this unresolved issue is taking a toll. She has found contemplating the reality different than making the suggestion. How long can out situation continue without something giving I do not know.
thomascan 46-50 11 Responses 2 Feb 1, 2013