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I Feel Wanted...

I don't know how many of you have heard the song "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes. Living so many years feeling so unwanted by my husband, and then finding the comfort of a man and his beautiful soul that makes me feel so wanted - makes me feel so alive. On my best days and my worst I crave B.

I have a difficult time opening up. Talking about my feelings is incredibly hard. Protecting my heart is something I try to carefully orchestrate on a daily basis. I realize everyone has baggage that changes and alters us. EP has allowed me to vocalize what I can't to anyone else...but what I know I need to in order to be healthy. It's a baby step in the right direction.

I have tried to explain my intimacy problems to B. Years of crying and begging my husband to acknowledge me and my feelings, only to be ignored, have created walls just as thick as they are high. The hope I had of my voice being being heard died over time.

I know B is not the same man my husband is. I know he is gentle, patient, considerate and strong. Yet I can't tell him how I really feel often enough.....

B is a beautiful man. Physically. Emotionally. He's intelligent. He is younger than I am. In his eyes I see a light that draws me in. All intimidating. And I'm scared.

I'm scared of the way I feel when I am with B. The longing, both emotionally and physically. The easy comfort that can't be real. The peace I feel in his presence.

I'm scared of what that means for my life. I know a major change is required if I were to ever be with B the way I want to. He's married. I'm married. We have children. We have friends - some that are common friends of my husband as well.

I have not been happy in my shell of a marriage for a long time. B has told me his feelings for his wife changed over the years and he, like me, has been counting down time until his children graduate high school and he can be free. But now we're in this affair. And waiting for high school graduations feels like waiting for the end of a prison sentence.

I'm working on my exit plan. Trying to get some control over my family finances and some freedom to control my money. It's one step at a time. My husband knows of my unhappiness. He knows I have wanted out and my exit plan revolved around our youngest child's graduation (he's a freshman in high school now). He loves having a family. He loves having me take care of the kids, the house, his needs....but he doesn't like to acknowledge or take care of mine.

He has made it clear he will make it difficult for me if I were to choose B. He said B ruined our marriage. But, that's not the truth. His inability to see my hurt and nurture my soul is what ruined our marriage. I love taking care of my family. I loved, and still to some extent want, to take care of him. It's who I am. But, in return I need to feel cared for and wanted. I need to be held and thought of and made love to. B didn't keep him from loving me in that way. So I know I have to be so careful.

And the idea that I may do this - walk away from the comforts of my life (financial stability, intact family, friends community ties...) to seek my happiness only to be hurt again in a different way.... It's hard to explain the bond B and I have. The easy conversation. The easy walks. The strong physical attraction. The comfort I feel when I'm with him. Before the affair started we were work friends. Lunch companions. Carpooling co-workers. When we were on that business trip, when I found myself in his arms on the dance floor, if was like finding myself in my safe place. In his embrace I felt safe and whole. And from there, the affair started.

The lovemaking was incredible. B was patient. He was passionate. He was strong. I couldnt stop the intensity of my feelings and the draw my body had to his. And, now, those desires continue. When we are able to find a few stolen moments we talk. Most days it's not physical. Once in a while we hold hands for a few brief minutes, or steal a few kisses and try to block the reality of our worlds out. Each time we touch it's still electric for me. His lips on mine make me want him so much. My body moves towards his. I can't even control it.

What if he never leaves his wife? What if my heart seeks what it cannot have? Will I regret leaving a marriage that leaves me empty for a man that will break my heart? I love my husband for the years we have together. I love that he loves his family. But I don't love the way he makes me feel. I hate that I have hurt him and that I will hurt him when I leave. I also love B. I am in love with B. I love how I feel when I am with him. I love how my body instantly reacts and my heart seeks him out. I love the depth of spirit I see in his eyes. I love how he knows when I want to say something that's difficult for me and he calls me out - and he tells me I can talk to him about anything.

Right now I can't talk to him about anything. The fear of what the future holds won't allow me to completely open up. I am trying to protect the pieces of my heart and soul that I can still control. The little shreds that that I still own. My hope is that one day we will both be free. I will be able to trust him with my feelings and my heart and express those emotions. To be able to hold him, love him, talk to him.....

I wish I had a crystal ball that would show me my future. I hope I am making the right decisions. I want to find my happiness - and I hate that I'm hurting people I love in the process. I hate that I fell in love with a married man. But, I can't stop my heart. It's a terrible situation. And I'm so selfish for allowing myself to feel wanted and hanging on to that - because I've missed that feeling for so very long. I'm scared my heart won't survive if B never leaves his wife. I'm petrified of the regret I'll feel if I don't try to pursue this man that makes me feel so alive.

carpediem2 carpediem2 36-40, F 5 Responses Feb 2, 2013

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I think you are trying to wage war on two fronts. This diminishes your likelyhood of a successful outcome on either or both fronts. You need to bring your full resources to bear on ONE front.

Obviously, the front you decide to concentrate on will be the most important one. I would suggest that has to be the "get out of the shithole marriage front". Nowhere near as much fun to work on as the "the replacement bloke front" of course, but this is the front that everything else hangs off.

If the "bloke" scenario actually does have legs, does have substance, does have a genuine "we" component, it will withstand being put on the backburner as you fight the main fight. If it doesn't have legs / substance / "we", then it won't.

Tread your own path.

Bazzar - great advice. Rationally I get it. Emotionally I do seek what comforts me. But you're absolutely right. In order to get on with my life I need to sever the ties that bind me to so much baggage and unhappiness. As guilty and sad as I am to give up on my marriage, and in a way, my family - I need to put the hard work in to find freedom. I can't have B if he belongs to someone else, B can't have me if I belong to someone else and my husband deserves more than the pretense that there is hope for a happily ever after together. If B and I are to stand a chance at a future together we each need to separate ourselves from the commitments we currently have. You've given me much to think about. Thank you

Such a tough situation. The truth is, most people don't leave their marriages over an affair. Some do.. but so many don't. It doesn't sound like he has ever given you a definite answer so if I were you I would start accepting that he likely will not leave his marriage.

Next, you should still leave YOURS. You are finished with the marriage and ready to move on. If it so happens that you and B end up together that would be fantastic for you - but, your life can be fantastic without him. Getting out of a toxic marriage is the best thing you can do for YOU. You WILL have happiness regardless of whether or not you have B.
You are going to hurt during the divorce. I know you think that having B will make it easier but you need to accept that it's okay to feel hurt and lonely for a while. Your emotions will be crazy out of wack. Let it in. Accept that. But know that after it's all said and done.. you will find TRUE content and happiness again.

This is good advice. You need to leave (if that's what you decide to do) for yourself not because your boyfriend "may" leave his marriage. As lohla suggests--"your life can be fantastic without him." I am in a similar situation and could have subbed myself into all your graphs about your perfect boyfriend. Mine is staying in his marriage for the long haul (15 more years ... sigh) But it doesn't matter. I am excited to move on for me--took 16 months to get to this place--and I focus my thoughts on my new house, setting up a new life, carving out a new coparenting scheme with my STBX, etc.. My affair has his own road to travel and his own decisions to make. Most likely, I will need to end things with him, as relationships such as what you and I are in can quickly become as emotionally draining/painful as the marriages we leave, even if the reasons are different and even if the sex/connection/intimacy is dynamite. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for the response. It sounds as if you are further along than I am. Do you mind if I ask what the most difficult thing has been leaving your husband? I know I'm hurting him by leaving but I'm hurting us all by staying. I feel selfish and guilty and determined all at the same time. It's so strange.

And you're right. A long term relationship as the other woman is just as short-changing as living with a husband who cannot or will not fulfill you. So much to sort through....

The most difficult thing for me is leaving my "family." As in, I know we will be cordial and be good co-parents, but the family will be no longer. And he is insisting that I move out (as I confessed my cheating) so I am sad about leaving the beautiful house I created and took care of for so long. But so be it.

I also am having trouble because though my husband was awful (as in emotionally abusive not just neglectful) he has tried so hard over the past 3 months to make changes (not major changes) that it makes it difficult for me to leave. However, I see you've posted the very same thing about your husband's attempts to change--he has tried to hold your hand, talk to you, etc. But you and I both know no amount of change on their part is going to overwrite the passion, understanding, and belonging we found elsewhere. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what it was supposed to be, and maybe I could find peace staying in what I'm used to. But I can't. I know that, and I'm leaving mid-April.

I have resigned myself to "hurting" my husband in the short term for the long-term benefits for everyone, including the kids (don't want them to think this lame-*** marriage is something to aspire to) and him (something, even if it is my leaving, has to prompt him to get help and figure out how to make himself happy inside, and then, hopefully, with a woman more suited to him as clearly I didn't do it for him.)

It's a long, long process. You are angsting and thinking and wallowing. So did I. Once you decide to leave (definitively), it does get easier because you start to focus on the practical issues where/when/$/kids, etc. You get dug in. And you continue to feel, as you say, "selfish and guilty and determined all at the same time." For those of us who truly mean to leave, determination eventually wins out ...

ivyquinn, thank you for telling me a little about your story and answering my question about the hardest part of it all. It has saddened me - at family events looking at my children and my mother and feeling like a traitor because I know deep down my life doesn't fulfill me. I hope they will one day understand and not judge too harshly the passion I feel I can't live without and a mistake in partnering that has proven I am more emotional and physical than I used to believe.

I haven't wanted to press B about his marriage. I don't want to feel as if my questions would be perceived as 'demands' leading him to do something he otherwise would not have. He has told me his heart is with me. That he loves me and would forever wonder if we didn't further pursue what we have. He was on the verge of leaving. He had an apartment lined up and had separated their bank accounts....and during that time my husband had started his 'change' so I felt incredible guilt. I pulled back from B and tried to throw myself into my marriage. B was hurt and confused. When he tried to talk to me about it I denied anything was wrong. But he knew. Because he sees me in that way.

He didn't leave. He said he didn't want to be alone and if I was going to stay in my marriage he may as well stay until his kids were grown - as he had originally planned. That was the only conversation we've had regarding his future plans. I'm afraid to hear the answer - either way. I'm not used to so much uncertainty and feeling so out of control.

EP has allowed me to see how others have progressed. What the feelings and outcomes have been from others in similar situtations. I hope I'm one of the lucky ones with a happy ending. And I hope the collateral damage caused by my decisions can be overcome with time.

speechless....

2 More Responses

@ DancingFire - it's so sad that there are so many of us wandering through life wishing for something more....

@clgsassy - if I were to assume B may not be part of my future I would fear I would never find the passion and comfort I have with him again. I understand I should be skeptical, but how I feel with him is so much more than I can ever explain in words. He is everything that does make me feel safe and complete. I am happy. I cherish each opportunity we have together but I'm more excited for the next time and I long to be able to spend time together, fall asleep together and wake up to him every morning. These desires push me to seek more, and make me realize what I have in my current marriage isn't enough. Not for a lifetime commitment. Not for a lifetime of true happiness. If something fails and I lose B I will continue to search for the one who evokes the feelings I have when I am with him. Once you have experienced this kind of passion I don't think it's fair or true to settle for something less. I can't. I will forever long for this.


That being said, my husband deserves more as well. He doesn't deserve to be lied to and cheated on. He's a good man. Just not an intuitive or passionate person. He is a great provider and an involved father. By staying with him I am cheating him out of more than just a committed relationship. I am cheating him out of his oportunity to find his own happiness as well. There is obviously something about me and our relationship that doesn't inspire him to reach out for intimacy and affection. He used to seek me out like this. Years and years ago. He deserves for his heart to soar when the woman he is in love with enters his thoughts. I have realized over the years I am not that woman to him. To him I am a mother, a cook, a maid, and a friend. But I am not a wanted lover or passionate life partner.

Thanks for making me look deeper into what really feeds and drives me. My friends would not understand. They envy the house and the cars and the lifestyle. My feelings of wanted more would come across as being ungrateful. My closest friends, she understands. She has watched my unhappiness for years and has told me I deserve more and should leave. But I always wanted to wait for my children to be on their own to start my own life. I don't feel like I can wait. I don't want to wait. I want to leave and see where this path in life will take me. If this fails I will at least know I followed my heart. If I don't try I will forever wonder what my life could have been....that type of regret could destroy me.

Stop reading my journal!!!

what would happen...
if you base your choices...
on assuming B may not be part of
your future...
what would change?
what would remain the same?
focus on you...
your needs, wants, making
yourself happy from inside....
just curious...
i know i have been starving for years...
i keep that in mind
as i am hyperresponsive
to touch, compliments, ya
joyinthejourney, clg

That would be my huge concern B has every reason to enjoy you for what you offer but I see no inidication he wil willing to walk away from his family for you. Both of you will face huge legal battles and bills not to mention a huge emotional bagage train of damaged innocents and a life time worth of guilt.

If your marriage is worth leaving I would like to think it is worth leaving with or without B waiting in the wings. If so then your pathway is clear.

If, on the other hand,. you would not leave without B there- then I think you need to seriously reconisder your choices.

Unfortunately for all of us who face such things the qualities that make an excellent person to have an affair with are not always the qualitities that make an excellent partner outside of the extra-marital romance