I Feel Wanted...I don't know how many of you have heard the song "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes. Living so many years feeling so unwanted by my husband, and then finding the comfort of a man and his beautiful soul that makes me feel so wanted - makes me feel so alive. On my best days and my worst I crave B.
I have a difficult time opening up. Talking about my feelings is incredibly hard. Protecting my heart is something I try to carefully orchestrate on a daily basis. I realize everyone has baggage that changes and alters us. EP has allowed me to vocalize what I can't to anyone else...but what I know I need to in order to be healthy. It's a baby step in the right direction.
I have tried to explain my intimacy problems to B. Years of crying and begging my husband to acknowledge me and my feelings, only to be ignored, have created walls just as thick as they are high. The hope I had of my voice being being heard died over time.
I know B is not the same man my husband is. I know he is gentle, patient, considerate and strong. Yet I can't tell him how I really feel often enough.....
B is a beautiful man. Physically. Emotionally. He's intelligent. He is younger than I am. In his eyes I see a light that draws me in. All intimidating. And I'm scared.
I'm scared of the way I feel when I am with B. The longing, both emotionally and physically. The easy comfort that can't be real. The peace I feel in his presence.
I'm scared of what that means for my life. I know a major change is required if I were to ever be with B the way I want to. He's married. I'm married. We have children. We have friends - some that are common friends of my husband as well.
I have not been happy in my shell of a marriage for a long time. B has told me his feelings for his wife changed over the years and he, like me, has been counting down time until his children graduate high school and he can be free. But now we're in this affair. And waiting for high school graduations feels like waiting for the end of a prison sentence.
I'm working on my exit plan. Trying to get some control over my family finances and some freedom to control my money. It's one step at a time. My husband knows of my unhappiness. He knows I have wanted out and my exit plan revolved around our youngest child's graduation (he's a freshman in high school now). He loves having a family. He loves having me take care of the kids, the house, his needs....but he doesn't like to acknowledge or take care of mine.
He has made it clear he will make it difficult for me if I were to choose B. He said B ruined our marriage. But, that's not the truth. His inability to see my hurt and nurture my soul is what ruined our marriage. I love taking care of my family. I loved, and still to some extent want, to take care of him. It's who I am. But, in return I need to feel cared for and wanted. I need to be held and thought of and made love to. B didn't keep him from loving me in that way. So I know I have to be so careful.
And the idea that I may do this - walk away from the comforts of my life (financial stability, intact family, friends community ties...) to seek my happiness only to be hurt again in a different way.... It's hard to explain the bond B and I have. The easy conversation. The easy walks. The strong physical attraction. The comfort I feel when I'm with him. Before the affair started we were work friends. Lunch companions. Carpooling co-workers. When we were on that business trip, when I found myself in his arms on the dance floor, if was like finding myself in my safe place. In his embrace I felt safe and whole. And from there, the affair started.
The lovemaking was incredible. B was patient. He was passionate. He was strong. I couldnt stop the intensity of my feelings and the draw my body had to his. And, now, those desires continue. When we are able to find a few stolen moments we talk. Most days it's not physical. Once in a while we hold hands for a few brief minutes, or steal a few kisses and try to block the reality of our worlds out. Each time we touch it's still electric for me. His lips on mine make me want him so much. My body moves towards his. I can't even control it.
What if he never leaves his wife? What if my heart seeks what it cannot have? Will I regret leaving a marriage that leaves me empty for a man that will break my heart? I love my husband for the years we have together. I love that he loves his family. But I don't love the way he makes me feel. I hate that I have hurt him and that I will hurt him when I leave. I also love B. I am in love with B. I love how I feel when I am with him. I love how my body instantly reacts and my heart seeks him out. I love the depth of spirit I see in his eyes. I love how he knows when I want to say something that's difficult for me and he calls me out - and he tells me I can talk to him about anything.
Right now I can't talk to him about anything. The fear of what the future holds won't allow me to completely open up. I am trying to protect the pieces of my heart and soul that I can still control. The little shreds that that I still own. My hope is that one day we will both be free. I will be able to trust him with my feelings and my heart and express those emotions. To be able to hold him, love him, talk to him.....
I wish I had a crystal ball that would show me my future. I hope I am making the right decisions. I want to find my happiness - and I hate that I'm hurting people I love in the process. I hate that I fell in love with a married man. But, I can't stop my heart. It's a terrible situation. And I'm so selfish for allowing myself to feel wanted and hanging on to that - because I've missed that feeling for so very long. I'm scared my heart won't survive if B never leaves his wife. I'm petrified of the regret I'll feel if I don't try to pursue this man that makes me feel so alive.