He'S No Doubt The Love Of My Life, My Soulmate

I have been dating a married man for 4 years (He is in a broken marriage no itamacy no sex but they are friends and share two college age children)

He is 18 years older than me and it was love at first sight ...The first year was no expectations and fun...The fun was realizing we were falling in love it was mutual...From there we fell deeper and deeper. I look in his eyes and I can see my own eyes(There is something familiar and deep there...He feels the same.
We are best friends and when we are together ...The world gets small ....We get lost in each other and dont need to use words to communicate. Sex, Itamacy and friendship are all there. we have broke up several times thru the years ...He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me ,That he has never felt a connection or thought a woman was more beautiful then he has with me and does not know if he can live with out me in his life. He calls me the love of his life. I feel exactly the same. Everytime he wants to leave his wife ...He can't .....He does not understand why. Because he loves her but he's not in love with her.
His main concern is his relationship will change with his boys(they are in college) They are the "apple of his eye" as it should be. If he left and they hated him for hurting their mother. I would feel horrible!
His other concern is he is 18 years older than me. I told him when i look at the handsome face...I see no age(But he is inseccure about it) I am positive I only want him...I love him like my daughters 9&10(I am divorced) I thought about all the things like he may pass before me someday or Sex may be an issue.(his main concern!!!) I would rather have any amount of time with this man then be with anyone else.I said if we truly love each other together we can overcome anything if we want to. He can't get over these concerns and is seeing a therapist to work thru this. He says he doesnt know where he will stand or what side he will come out after therapy ..But he does not want to hold me back....I deserve better then standing still waiting in the unknown.(missed holidays,Birthdays,weekends and limited time sometimes text only or talking during the business day has been torture for me thru the four years)....(He says that bothers him and hurts him to see me like that) Please comment....Will his relationship change with his boys? Will our age gap be a problem(he's 54..Im 35)?
Should I wait for him to work thru his concerns and finding what will make him happy in life? I want to wait for him ....I just don't know if he will ever leave.
We are both suffering emotionally from this relationship ....we love each other so much....But he can't bring himself to get a divorce b/c of the concerns he has. HELP!!!!!!!!!!! Please share your advice....
completelynumb completelynumb
31-35, F
8 Responses Feb 2, 2013

I love very deeply a woman who is a friend of mine. There are as many years in this relationship as you have in the one you describe. She became divorced during our friendship...and I assisted through that mine-field. Helping her fix stuff and giving her loving attention to renew her self-esteem.

I am still married. The gates are so arranged that me even having a viable choice that I can live with, may be this year - or 4 + from now.

Though I love her and I have told her that I do....we have not had a sexual relationship because of our faith, and because she and I agree that could easily turn toxic in this situation. I also simply step aside when she finds someone else as she has right now. I remain her friend...as I can not really offer more at this time.

Since I love her - preventing her from following her heart and being happy in a relationship seems wrong to me. If I have to watch her walk away - it is possible that this friendship will simply fade into a sweet memory. But I would rather that, then to string her along - and ask her to wait. Giving her only that which I have leftover, or that which I steal from another is really no different than a refuser mindset that lives more for itself than it does the relationship and is more concerned with me than we. She deserves my best, if I become free I will gladly offer that, and expect it in return. If I do not....she deserves to find it on her own. If she does not want me after I am out - then I deserve to find another.

If he will not get out - you should not allow many other wonderful men to pass you by.

Though if he were me -he will cry - secretly - and then somewhere in it he will see you smile. And in that smile he will find his answer.....and if he cannot ...than he is not all you believe he is...nor all he makes himself out to be. That last bit is far more telling _IMHO

An male acquaintance of mine long ago explained the appeal of an affair with a younger woman. It wasn't about a dismal marriage and it wasn't about hot intimacy with a younger body. It was about the ease of being with a blank slate, someone who has no life baggage, about the feeling of self-satisfaction that comes with being a mentor and being able to make an impression. From that perspective, a man having an affair is looking for superiority in a relationship rather than equality. Is that the kind of relationship you want for yourself and your kids?

Yeah, i gotta agree with moving this along. Because of the deep mutual love, there is a chance you will have a great life together...but you're note really together...certainly not in the eyes of his boys. I would push continuously for him to **** or get off the pot. He has his cake and eating it too...if he feels the same way, he needs to divorce and marry you. His boys will understand, his wife will be better off. Will you be better off if he does? Are you sure you really want all of him? It almost sounds like you are selling yourself on the idea that it's OK to continue as the other woman.

I agree with others here - he is enjoying you and yet he has no wish or desire to end the marriage and only talks about it because he must keep stringing you along with the idea that some day, some time, he might, perhaps, begin to get around to planning one day to think about leanving his family. I am so sorry but it is not going to happen and you need a man in your life who actually is going to be your man.

You are in the process of being dudded.

Continue at your peril.

Tread your own path.

"When a man marries the other woman, the position of mistress becomes available"

Seen it happen a few times....and those few were too many....

You are the other woman.

The geisha. The woman who meets his romantic and emotional needs, but he has an entirely separate life with a woman who meets the practical, familiar, everyday, routine needs. He has split himself in two and you have HALF of him.

And, you know what? He is SELFISH.

If he really loved you he wouldn't string you along so that he can keep his marriage intact and keep a mistress on the side. Do not fool yourself. The other woman gets the short end of the stick. No commitment. No true partnership, financial protection, or legal rights. He does not want to deal with the consequences of truly leaving his wife. He wants to keep up his status quo and keep you on the side.

Is it really so romantic being the bedded partner without the rest? We glorify romantic love, but relationships are everyday. The mundane. The struggles. The shared history. Children. BIG things that bond them forever. A history that long carries over even after a real split. You are smack in the middle of it.

You are the illusion. Not her.

Believe me. I am with a man who has lived apart from his wife for SEVEN years and they are just now going through the divorce process. And, they still have connections from near three decades together. I am at my wits end with that and he is out and finalizing it. I told him flat out that he can either choose me and really move on or forget it. It has been the biggest contention in our relationship. You are dealing with a life partnership and it may be dysfunctional and unhealthy and miserable. But, it is known and it is established and it is a lifetime connection of memories and shared experience.

SHE is his partner. Not you. Do yourself a HUGE favor and leave. Or, at the very least, tell him that if he does not leave his wife and he does not act within whatever set time, you are GONE. Then, go. You really have nothing to lose. If he stays with her, you will have spared yourself years of heartache. If he leaves and wants to establish a real life with you, you will know it and you can move forward.

Either way, it beats the hell of limbo and the slow smother of putting yourself constantly second to his old life.

"Will his relationship change with his boys?"
Yes, but you would need to know the family dynamic as to what it is now, not what he says it is

Will our age gap be a problem(he's 54..Im 35)?

Should I wait for him to work thru his concerns and finding what will make him happy in life?

and, "torture for me", "He says that bothers him and hurts him", thus your pain just bothers him, and he makes it about him, not you? How about, I, the love of your life, is being tortured, what, if anything, are you going to do about that right now?