17 Years And Counting...

Don't feel bad... many of us, men or women, are in your position. Having kids together, and just the sheer length of a relationship makes separation or divorce difficult. My marriage has been sexless for over 5 yrs and I know now that it will never be the passionate relationship that it was so long ago . What's amazing to me after reading countless EP stories is how the sexless spouse totally denies they have a problem, even after many sexless years and trips to therapy. It's a total lack of respect for the partner with desire.

Im so sorry for you. My second marriage was to a really good man who left the hotel on our wedding night because he didnt want to have sex with me. I have been married 5 yrs and he is good in every other way. But there is a big hole in my life. please pray hard and God will help you find a way to be happy

Why do you make excuses for him by recounting his good qualities? Those good qualities are not making one bit of difference in how badly you feel treated. So what if he has a great job? Those interactions are with his colleagues, not with you or your daughter. Frankly, that only makes it worse. If he can be personable and successful out in the world, why on earth can't he bring the skills for qualitative interaction home to you? Loving and adoring your daughter is good, but that's only a feeling. It's very easy to have good and noble feelings, yet not follow through with actions.

So you are not lovers and, according to his own words, you are not friends. What are you, then?

You say you are making the ultimate sacrifice to give your daughter a two-parent home. If your daughter is healthy and neurotypical, then you are teaching her that sacrificing herself for a relationship is the appropriate way to relate to a man. What if you were to watch her be subserviant to another person to her own detriment? Would you not hurt for her and want her to get out? The gift of your sacrifice will be wasted if you teach your daughter to be a doormat.

Counseling making you worse? Its because it unearths the truth, even if we've always known it, it makes it hard to ignore. Once the words have left your mouth, they are true and must be reckoned with. My H ignores me saying "I love you but I am not IN love with you". And so yes, while counselling has mad ME better, it has made US worse as well. But I am not a brave soul with four kids. I simply am not. I am a Christian woman too and I don't have any biblical grounds to stand on. If he does **** I have no clue, I don't think he does. I'm just stuck here.

You seem to actually have a pretty good handle on what you need to do to start living the authentic life of 2blu.

Whether that knowledge translates into action, is of course, another matter. Were you to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to - theoretically - see how a divorce would shake out for you, that might provide you with some impetus. And, if it doesn't, you've really lost nothing.

Tread your own path.

1Corinthians 7:1 (or somewhere thereabouts) I think is the verse that talks about a man should give conjugal rights to his wife & vice versa to keep satan (temptation) out of the marriage. I am also a Christian woman who, upon finally waking up to the fact that there is problems in my marriage, went looking for what the bible would say about it. Some say that when a man/woman views p*** then they are having an affair & therefore, in the eyes of God, we are free to seek divorce (this was important to me as I do not want to knowingly be out of the will of God). My husband also has an affinity for p***, s** webcam sites, etc. For myself, I also plan on seeing a christian/s** therapist to talk about my marriage issues, talking to a lawyer (to know my rights, plan to share custody as he is a great father), hire an investigator (to see how far his internet extracurricular activities go). To further plan for my possible exit I plan to lose the baby weight, pay off bills (so we aren't splitting a lot of financial debt), etc.
If I decide to go, I will go sooner rather than later. I am quickly coming to the realization that this is not the type of marriage I want modeled for my daughter. And unfortunately, they seek out later in life what is familiar to them, I would not wish this type of life on her.
My advise to you would be to talk to a lawyer & take a good hard look @ your finances & resources within your community. Use income tax to pay off bills so you can get out quicker. If leaving right now is absolutely not a financial option then I suggest: 1. Limit your time spent around your husband (so you are not fighting in front of your daughter). & 2. Go back to school to obtain a degree you are sure will add to your income upon graduation......If you are truly resigned to stay until your daughter graduates from school then spend those years improving yourself, financially (through education), physically (exercise), & mentally (therapy, friends, church, etc.). Take care & God Bless :)

"We tried counseling, but it seemed to make us worse"
is the usually the sign that you need to have the
"courage to leave -leave this sexless, friendless marriage for good"

continue to have your support network, "blessed to have girlfriends who I can turn to", "my counselor asked if God would want me to be this unhappy, this unfulfilled", make sure you have a separate bank account, only electronic statements, nothing kept about it at home, add money whenever you can, see a lawyer, prepare exit plan, best wishes