Just Thinking...Once again, I'm reading post about people who live in sexless marriages. As some who have read my posts, I do as well. I read the different opinions of how to solve the problem or deal with the issue at hand, and it makes me think about my own situation.
I want to be able to say, that I'm strong enough to continue in this marriage. Honestly, if it were for only lack of sex, I believe that I could probably continue a healthy life. After all, we are capable of taking care of some of that stress ourselves. It's not the lack of sex, that is making this lifestyle so intolerable.
It's the feeling of aloneness. It's the emotional isolation I've dealt with for going on some 24 years. It's the anger I feel toward him, for pushing me into "single" parenting, with his apathetic and self-centered behavior. It's the nights, he slept like a baby while, I waited up for kids to come home safely. His disconnect from our daughter when we found out she was gay.
So many little things, together, far exceed the sexlessness, as a primary factor for my unhappiness in this marriage. God knows my heart. He knows when I married him, I had no intention on breaking our vows. He also knows I stood at that altar, a frightened woman. Marrying a man she barely knew, and praying that some how HE'd "work all things together for my good..." Phil 4:13.
Twenty years ago, we talked about our philosophy of marriage. (Of course after we were married and I had 2 kids.) His philosophy, in spite of his christianity, was what his parents lived in front of him. They just "did it"... they lived day to day in a very mundane, and affection less, non-communicative way. That's what he was modeled, and that is what he believed to be what marriage was. I knew, at that moment, I was in trouble.
So, is it the lack of sex that has me posting here? No... not really. It's way beyond that. It's the emptiness, isolation, and solitude that this marriage has brought me. Therapy can only fix so much... and if the spouse can't see the needs of their partner, it's really a non-issue. What's next? I really don't know. All I know, is I've been working on "me"... my attitudes... doing what makes me happy. Somewhere down the road? Only God knows. AT least that is what I'm thinking...