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Just Thinking...

Once again, I'm reading post about people who live in sexless marriages. As some who have read my posts, I do as well. I read the different opinions of how to solve the problem or deal with the issue at hand, and it makes me think about my own situation.

I want to be able to say, that I'm strong enough to continue in this marriage. Honestly, if it were for only lack of sex, I believe that I could probably continue a healthy life. After all, we are capable of taking care of some of that stress ourselves. It's not the lack of sex, that is making this lifestyle so intolerable. 

It's the feeling of aloneness. It's the emotional isolation I've dealt with for going on some 24 years. It's the anger I feel toward him, for pushing me into "single" parenting, with his apathetic and self-centered behavior. It's the nights, he slept like a baby while, I waited up for kids to come home safely. His disconnect from our daughter when we found out she was gay. 

So many little things, together, far exceed the sexlessness, as a primary factor  for my unhappiness in this marriage. God knows my heart. He knows when I married him, I had no intention on breaking our vows. He also knows I stood at that altar, a frightened woman. Marrying a man she barely knew, and praying that some how HE'd "work all things together for my good..." Phil 4:13. 

Twenty years ago, we talked about our philosophy of marriage. (Of course after we were married and I had 2 kids.) His philosophy, in spite of his christianity, was what his parents lived in front of him. They just "did it"... they lived day to day in a very mundane, and affection less, non-communicative way. That's what he was modeled, and that is what he believed to be what marriage was. I knew, at that moment, I was in trouble. 

So, is it the lack of sex that has me posting here? No... not really. It's way beyond that. It's the emptiness, isolation, and solitude that this marriage has brought me. Therapy can only fix so much... and if the spouse can't see the needs of their partner, it's really a non-issue. What's next? I really don't know. All I know, is I've been working on "me"... my attitudes... doing what makes me happy. Somewhere down the road? Only God knows. AT least that is what I'm thinking...


ExistsinHOPE ExistsinHOPE 51-55, F 3 Responses Feb 3, 2013

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I totally get what you're saying. I think on another story of yours, I mentioned parenting and you replied that all the parenting had been on you. I found that so unfair and cold of him. In fact, I think that's just one more thing that should make it easier to walk away.
When I was struggling with whether or not to leave, I kept reflecting on my husbands parenting. If I'm honest with myself, many times he's an even better parent than myself. So deciding that if I do go, joint custody would have been fair- is how I planned it. But... if I remember correctly, your kids are all grown and out of the house? If so, at least you don't have to worry about custody now. One more reason to go...

You have such a vibrant intelligent personality, from your stories, and I just know you will be okay and find what you deserve and desire in life.

Even before the loneliness and emptiness there is the effect of being rejected. I am vulnerable to my wife in so many ways yet the core of me is being rejected and refused. That has caused me a big set back. Finding me and who I am is important to loving myself. Is there too much selfishness in that? I don't know, but it seems important after being rejected for so long.

Rarely, very rarely, is it "just about the sex". The paucity of sex is the most obvious symptom of the festering dysfunction gurgling along under the facade.

If you continue on with your "me" position, there can only be one outcome. That being you living an authentic and greatly enhanced life. Whether your marriage survives this process or not is going to depend on its' underlying quality. If it doesn't have that quality, then it won't survive the process. Nor should it. An inauthentic "we" is nothing.

Your God will likely give you a few little hints about what you might do next, and will then likely have the good sense and respect for your abilities to step back and leave you to make your own INFORMED choices.

There's no race going on here. The (relatively) simple expedient of adopting "me" thinking has you underway. Might be a sprint. Might be a marathon.

Tread your own path.