My Decision - Not Bad EnoughI posted this on my blog with quite a few more details, but here it is. My decision. Not on the fence any more, I have thought it through. You know those of us on ILIASM who have left their sexless marriages and are happier for it? I am not likely to be the kind of person who would be happier for it. I know myself.
Reading the posts of other ILIASMers makes me realize I am not "there" yet. Many, most I would say, have reached some point where they believe divorce is the only answer.
This is why I think I am not there yet, might never be in fact-
1. After all those years of near sexlessness I may not desire my husband any more, but I do not HATE having sex with him.
2. I still care about him, as a friend at least.
3. The marriage is not so bad that I think the chaos, hassle and poverty thereafter of divorce would be worth it. I mean, I barely have time to take care of my child, my house, and all the other things I have going on. Don't tell me divorce is not a time-consuming process. I won't believe it. And being a single mom would mean poverty. I see what it meant for H's first wife. ....Uh, no thanks.
4. I do not have the desire to "be with" any other man (am not talking about sex necessarily), anyhow. What outsourcing taught me is that other men also have traits that will drive me up the wall, even if lack of sex is not one of them.
So there. I live in a somewhat dysfunctional marriage. The solution is to work on myself and things that matter to me and to my little girl. If the H I married comes back to me, great. If he doesn't, then I can look back on these years with pride at how I have made the best Engel I could, and did right by my daughter.
That is my solution. That is my chosen path. Not everyone is in a tolerable situation, and for them, leaving is the best thing. For me, better to stay, and find joy in myself and the non-marital aspects of my life. I can do this. Yes, I can.
EinEngel 46-50, F 12 Responses 2 Feb 3, 2013