My Decision - Not Bad Enough

I can so relate! You explained how I feel about my own marriage very well.
So you can say that at least one other person on this site understands :)

Engel, I understand the need to create some intentionality going forward. I'm not sure that proclamations of the format are any more useful now than they were on any of our wedding days though. We make decisions based on how we feel right now, with the expectation that our external environment remains fixed, and that our personal viewpoint remains fixed, and neither of those are true.

If I can be arrogant enough to propose, I suggest that the meat of your committment be toward personal growth (which I acknowledge that you have commented on), without censoring yourself against growth that challenges your status quo.

The mental game I play with myself in doing this, is I picture myself as a single, recently-divorced or widowered (sp?) man, and fantasize about what that would mean. What changes would I make (big and small) to restore the sense of self, independence, and individuality, and trajectory that I had before things went off the rails. This excersise presents the most surprising fallout, even from small things. I recall taking up extra tasks around the house, acknowledging the blocks I placed on some, such as that for some reason, I was afraid of operating the washing machine myself, or scheduling children's activities myself, and that I was afraid to book time externally to pursue personal interests. I was surprised by what shook out when I started this.

Once you get used to it though, you can use this process WITHIN your marriage to continue growing. Your perspective will likely shift as well. And your growth WILL apply pressure on your partner to choose to grow as well, regardless of whether you choose to confront him openly about it.

Don't commit to staying married. Let that decision sort itself when you get there - whatever happens will be authentic and true, and will seem much more obvious and comfortable as the right answer.

Do commit to personal growth and differentiation, and see what happens.

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"If the H I married comes back to me, great"

Consider a personal destination at Engel to arrive at, say, a year from now, where you are the individual you'd want to be, post-divorce. It might include bucket list items you've forgotten because they don't fit with your marriage. It might include necessary activities that you avoid because as a married woman, because you can. It might include things that make you feel better and more interesting as a person.

In that sense, it's not about restoring what went before, of your husband "coming back". It's more about preparing a destination in the future, where HerrEngel is invited to join you if he chooses.

You have looked at all the options - you chose the one that fits you best. Many here are on the fence -deciding to drop it all on one side or the other is a very tough thing to do. The fence will likely not go away, recognizing that you may choose to jump over later and deciding to stay and live with it take courage too..

The rest of my postings, whether blog entries or stories, will be about my struggle and journey to heal and improve myself, and dealing with the state of my marriage as I go along. The state of my psyche and the state of my marriage impact each other.

There is nothing wrong with your decision. I'm sure things will change and evolve over time - maybe for the better, maybe not. But I understand remaining in a somewhat stable environment for your child(ren).

I can relate, and respect your decision, it's a very difficult one, but you are doing the best you can, and you will do better as you work on YOU, you deserve to be happy but mostly at peace.
Take care of your self first, and you little girl of course.

Engel, I respect your choice because it is a choice and one that you've made through actively seeking to understand your situation better.

One thing I want you to realize though is that you selected your affair partners as a woman still embedded in a dysfunctional marriage. Should you learn to break free from that dysfunctional marriage and find out who you are beyond that marriage your choices for who you will date and mate with will be significantly different. By default, when you grow and change so do your choices about who you keep around you.

Ms. Engel, if it matters one iota I have no doubt you'd do well either way, but of course it's your decision - on a daily basis! Same as the rest of us.

agreeing with the others here. it's your decision to make and your consequences to own.

though it saddens me greatly, both for your sake, and for your daughter's sake. wishing you all the best as you travel this path.

"I may not desire my husband anymore, but I do not hate having sex with him." This saddens me EinEngel. This and the debits and credits model. But, it is a choice you own and in the end, this is most important. All the best on your Life's path. Be well.

Hey, you're making your choice, and that's what counts. I was where you are now a few years ago. Even just a year ago. You'll know when things change.

Facts are, most people don't leave their dysfunctional marriage, so your choice is not greatly unique. Slight difference in as much as your ARE making a choice, whereas most "stayers" don't make a choice, just float on (thus actually making a default choice to suffer on).

On a personal note, your choice saddens me as I reckon you are capable, well capable, of constructimg the necessary viable alternative to your present circumstances and moving to a greatly enhanced life.

Travel well Sister EinEngel.

Tread your own path.